Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Figured it Out
I think I just cracked the case. Finally. Sitting here at my desk at work, I just figured out what has been wrong with me lately. I struggled so much with the fact that other single women my age raise their children JUST FINE...so very much that I had to justify to myself why I couldn't raise her. I told myself, over and over, that she wouldn't have had an amazing life with me. I wouldn't be able to provide for her the way I would want to. I wouldn't be able to give her everything she deserves - and that includes a stable, two-parent home. I had to basically brand this onto the inner side of my forehead in order to be able to get up in the morning. Whenever I got any confidence about the matter, any inkling that I could have raised her, or I could have made it work this way or that, I would start to regret my decision. I can't handle that pain. Right now I'm just numb. I shouldn't still be numb. In order to "dumb myself down" enough to believe that I did do the right thing for her and she will hurt so much less without me, I've wiped away any bit of self-confidence I had in every other aspect of my life, too. None of my clothes look good on me. My hair never looks right. My makeup never flatters me. I know I am an intelligent person, I know I could have been a great mom to her. I convinced myself I must not be worthy of being a mom. She would never have gone without her necessities or love. I KNOW she deserves better than just the "necessities." I also KNOW it's not just about material things, it's about security, and family. But I have security, and I have family. Not a picture-perfect family to raise a child in, no, and she would have had an in-and-out dad, but my parents wouldn't have left us homeless. Whenever I realize this, I just start to get angry - at everything. If it's not about money, or material items...why was I not "qualified?" Why was I not "good enough?" I love that little girl more than anything or anyone in the world. Why did I think I wouldn't be able to give her enough of it? Why did I think she would go without? I wanted her to have better - and there certainly is "better" than me out there. But I can't figure out how to balance it. I can't figure out how to stop hating myself for the decision I made. I feel like I either hate the decision I made because I feel that I must have been good enough, or I hate myself because I've convinced myself that I'm the lowest of the low and I was no good for her. It's the hardest thing in the world to realize that you weren't good enough for your own and only child.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Gift-planning, 6 months early!
I know it's a ways away, but I'm already putting some thought into what I should get Miss Arianna for her birthday. I want to have time to save up, if need be. I 'stole' a few good ideas from some of the girls on the Facebook support site...one of which was to create an American Girl Doll that looks like your child (particularly your daughter). I wish you could create the doll from scratch - I can't find one that looks *just* like her. Growing up, I had three - Samantha, Kit, and then one that was supposed to be "me." She had medium-blonde hair and blue eyes, and looked considerably like me - if I were a 2-foot tall, lifeless, plastic doll, that is. They have a much larger variety of dolls now than they did then. The one that looks the most like her is the one with "medium skin, curly dark hair, brown eyes," even though her skin is a little lighter than this. I know I loved my dolls as a child..I learned how to french-braid hair on these dolls! Hence why the "me" doll is now downstairs with tangly, bushy (absolutely ruined) hair.
What do you guys think? Is this a good idea, or should I do something a bit more age-appropriate? Do you know of any good sites for customizing dolls or other toys?
What do you guys think? Is this a good idea, or should I do something a bit more age-appropriate? Do you know of any good sites for customizing dolls or other toys?
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Simple Quote I Love...
Oh, how I wish I had a recording of her heart beat. I don't think I'll ever hear a more amazing sound in my life.
Friday, May 18, 2012
My Mother's Day
Mother's Day weekend was surprisingly okay. Much better than last year, although that makes sense. Saturday was my self-proclaimed "me" day...I got a manicure, pedicure, and my eyebrows done. I went by myself, something I normally don't do, but I just wanted to be alone and relax. It was actually really nice.
On Sunday, My grandmother came over and we had a nice dinner and watched a movie with my mother. My mother made turkey or ham or something along those lines, so I had my usual "vegetarian" dinner:
My mom gave me some new beads for my Pandora bracelet, including an "E" which is the first letter of Arianna's 'new' name.
...and an Alex and Ani bracelet with the same letter. Apparently these are the "new thing," according to her!
I did give in and decide to meet up with her father. It was honestly against my better judgement and I know many people won't approve of this, but whatever, I did it and it's done. It was my decision and I did what I felt was right in my heart. Did my head agree? No, but we can't always listen to our heads, can we?
It was surprisingly a very nice time. Not too nice - not "I think I'm falling back in love with you and now I'm all confused because you treated me so amazingly this one night" nice - but very calm and peaceful. Very uncharacteristic of us as of late. We went to dinner and a movie on him (sounds date-like, but it wasn't), and then he gave me a really sweet gift and a card. I can tell he put a lot of thought into the gift...I was floored. It was so thoughtful.
It was a huge basket filled with a bunch of different things - some things I would use daily, some things that represent old jokes between us, and some things that are a bit more sentimental. Now, you wouldn't really think getting shampoo and conditioner in a gift basket would mean much, but the fact that he remembers which brand, type, and scent is my favorite means something to me. Sounds silly when I write it out! The card, of course, made me cry - he wrote about how he knows that a lot of what I have facing me is hard to deal with, but he knows me and knows that I have a strong spirit. He said that I more than deserve to be treated on Mother's Day, and he also said that even though this is one of the toughest things he has gone through in his life, he is glad that it's me who is the mother of this baby and that we are going through it "together," and that he is always here. I won't write out the entire thing, and I'm not one to normally even go in to that much detail, but it showed me that he (maybe, just maybe) is growing up a little. So funny to say about a man who is 10 (give or take) years older than I am, but I guess age really is just a number.
(And yes, he did color the boy in with a pencil on the front of the card and gave him curly black hair. If you didn't know, my daughter's father is African-American and she is bi-racial. Now you know!)
We had a few good conversations, which were needed, and he didn't try to pull any funny business. I think he respects the situation enough now to not try that with me. This doesn't mean much of anything really, I know I need to take it at face-value. So we had one good get-together...it doesn't mean we will start hanging out on a regular basis again or even speaking on one. I'm grateful that it went well and I felt appreciated, but I'm not a fool (anymore). I did, however, make one teensy (huge) mistake. He called as I was pulling on to my street, to make sure I got home. I was tired from working all day and then going straight to meet him, and it was around eleven when I finally got home. I said that I was just getting home, and thanked him again. He told me that I more than deserved it, and there was no need to thank him. Then he said, "okay, so...I'll talk to you...sometime.." and I replied, "yeah, sounds good. I love you, have a good night," and before I could even realize what I had just said, he said "I love you too, goodnight." Old habits die hard, I guess. I couldn't believe I said it, and it was just that - habit. But he replied as if I had just said "hey, what's up?" and he responded "nothing." It was that natural. Maybe that was out of habit, too. Yeah, there are worse things...but that's a pretty big faux pas in the land of let's-be-civil-because-there's-a-kid-in-the-"picture"-land.
On Sunday, My grandmother came over and we had a nice dinner and watched a movie with my mother. My mother made turkey or ham or something along those lines, so I had my usual "vegetarian" dinner:
My mom gave me some new beads for my Pandora bracelet, including an "E" which is the first letter of Arianna's 'new' name.
...and an Alex and Ani bracelet with the same letter. Apparently these are the "new thing," according to her!
I did give in and decide to meet up with her father. It was honestly against my better judgement and I know many people won't approve of this, but whatever, I did it and it's done. It was my decision and I did what I felt was right in my heart. Did my head agree? No, but we can't always listen to our heads, can we?
It was surprisingly a very nice time. Not too nice - not "I think I'm falling back in love with you and now I'm all confused because you treated me so amazingly this one night" nice - but very calm and peaceful. Very uncharacteristic of us as of late. We went to dinner and a movie on him (sounds date-like, but it wasn't), and then he gave me a really sweet gift and a card. I can tell he put a lot of thought into the gift...I was floored. It was so thoughtful.
It was a huge basket filled with a bunch of different things - some things I would use daily, some things that represent old jokes between us, and some things that are a bit more sentimental. Now, you wouldn't really think getting shampoo and conditioner in a gift basket would mean much, but the fact that he remembers which brand, type, and scent is my favorite means something to me. Sounds silly when I write it out! The card, of course, made me cry - he wrote about how he knows that a lot of what I have facing me is hard to deal with, but he knows me and knows that I have a strong spirit. He said that I more than deserve to be treated on Mother's Day, and he also said that even though this is one of the toughest things he has gone through in his life, he is glad that it's me who is the mother of this baby and that we are going through it "together," and that he is always here. I won't write out the entire thing, and I'm not one to normally even go in to that much detail, but it showed me that he (maybe, just maybe) is growing up a little. So funny to say about a man who is 10 (give or take) years older than I am, but I guess age really is just a number.
(And yes, he did color the boy in with a pencil on the front of the card and gave him curly black hair. If you didn't know, my daughter's father is African-American and she is bi-racial. Now you know!)
We had a few good conversations, which were needed, and he didn't try to pull any funny business. I think he respects the situation enough now to not try that with me. This doesn't mean much of anything really, I know I need to take it at face-value. So we had one good get-together...it doesn't mean we will start hanging out on a regular basis again or even speaking on one. I'm grateful that it went well and I felt appreciated, but I'm not a fool (anymore). I did, however, make one teensy (huge) mistake. He called as I was pulling on to my street, to make sure I got home. I was tired from working all day and then going straight to meet him, and it was around eleven when I finally got home. I said that I was just getting home, and thanked him again. He told me that I more than deserved it, and there was no need to thank him. Then he said, "okay, so...I'll talk to you...sometime.." and I replied, "yeah, sounds good. I love you, have a good night," and before I could even realize what I had just said, he said "I love you too, goodnight." Old habits die hard, I guess. I couldn't believe I said it, and it was just that - habit. But he replied as if I had just said "hey, what's up?" and he responded "nothing." It was that natural. Maybe that was out of habit, too. Yeah, there are worse things...but that's a pretty big faux pas in the land of let's-be-civil-because-there's-a-kid-in-the-"picture"-land.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Magazine, are you a joke?
Hmph, did this really have to come in the mail on the day before Mother's Day?
Friday, May 11, 2012
In Other News . . .
I am so thankful that it's Friday. This week was so stressful at work. I have only one week and four days to get through until I have a 5 day weekend! The 27th is Memorial Day and we have the Friday before off as well. Thank you, national holiday declarers. Thank you very much.
I put my letter in the mail for A's mom the other day, and it felt really good. I didn't do it to get something from her, not at all...but I am a little eager to hear how she feels about it. I hope she likes it, and I hope she knows it came straight from my heart. I didn't even do a first draft like I normally do for "important" letters, I just laid on my the rug in my bedroom floor and wrote until I felt I had covered it all.
What else has been going on? This past Wednesday marked two entire weeks that I have gone to bed without taking Ambien and still successfully slept like a baby. And I actually slept better and felt 1000% less robotic than I felt when I was taking it. I started taking it in October, and took it faithfully every night since. Yes, I slept, but when I woke up, I didn't really feel rested and I didn't really feel like 'myself.' Then again, I haven't been my old self for a while now...not that I necessarily want to be. My worst fear had started to come true, and I finally realized it: I was becoming addicted to it. There were several nights that I tried to go to sleep without it, but I would lie there and convince myself that I wouldn't fall asleep without it, which stressed me out even more than I already was, so I would end up taking it. I wanted to be off of it so badly. I've never liked taking medications, especially not for prolonged periods of time. Especially not for sleeping. One night, I went to take it, and realized the bottle was empty...I had forgotten to refill it. I'm a little ashamed to admit this, but I would up on my floor, looking for the one that I thought I heard fall the night before. To admit that I would have taken a pill that I found on my bedroom floor is appalling to me. Not that my room is dirty - that's not it. What's appalling is how loudly it screams "desperation." (Side note: I didn't find it). That night, I probably would have fallen asleep on my own, had I not been so stressed about not falling asleep because I didn't take it. I eventually got up and took a Tylenol, just to swallow something and try and convince myself that I took the Ambien. That. is. a. problem. No? So, fast forward a month or so, after I had refilled it once more. I fell asleep one night, on my own, without taking it or even thinking about taking it. Once I woke up in the morning and realized this, I decided that if I could do it once, I could do it again. So I didn't take it the next night, or the next night, and slowly I realized that I could fall asleep on my own and that maybe I had overcome the psychological side of it all (not the adoption, but the medication). Before I knew it, I realized it had been two weeks since I had taken it. I still have 5 left in the bottle on my nightstand, and I'm not going to throw them or the prescription away, but it feels so good to know that I don't "need" them.
I've kept this in for a few days, but I have to share. On Tuesday, I got a phone call from her birth dad, out of the blue. We do occasionally talk (about our daughter) but we hadn't in a while and we sort of left it at "we'll talk sometime...eventually..." and that was that. Anyways, he called and said that he had been thinking about what to do for me for Mother's Day (SHOCKER!!). Last year, he gave me a card, and while it was simple, it was sweet. We've been through a lot, he put me through a lot, and at times he hurt me to the core and worked my last nerve, but as a person, he is a good man. He's made some mistakes and hurt some of the people closest to him, but at the end of the day, he is not a bad person. I was flattered that he called to acknowledge the day at all this year. He said that he wanted to do a little more for me than just getting a card or a gift, so he asked me if I'd be able to spare a couple of hours to meet up with him because he wanted to surprise me with something nice. I have absolutely no clue what he is or could be planning. Dinner, possibly. I know many of you reading this are probably thinking "he just wants something," and honestly, the thought went through my head, too, and even though I have been with him (read: slept with him) a couple of times since the baby was born, I know he respects me enough not to pull that with me again. The couple of times that it happened were two too many, and it was a while ago. He wouldn't cross that line now. I'm not completely naive to him now, though. With his track record, it's tough to give him the benefit of the doubt all the time. But at the same time, I suppose I have to admit that I've wronged him in the past before, too. We've wronged each other and both tried to move on from it. I told him I would let him know. I want to go, but I don't want to make a mistake, either. I don't want to back track here, I need to move forward. I was flattered by the invite, and am honored that he wants to acknowledge me as the person who carried and delivered his child. I want, with all of my heart, to believe that he has good intentions. I'm torn. And I only have a few more days to figure it out...
I put my letter in the mail for A's mom the other day, and it felt really good. I didn't do it to get something from her, not at all...but I am a little eager to hear how she feels about it. I hope she likes it, and I hope she knows it came straight from my heart. I didn't even do a first draft like I normally do for "important" letters, I just laid on my the rug in my bedroom floor and wrote until I felt I had covered it all.
What else has been going on? This past Wednesday marked two entire weeks that I have gone to bed without taking Ambien and still successfully slept like a baby. And I actually slept better and felt 1000% less robotic than I felt when I was taking it. I started taking it in October, and took it faithfully every night since. Yes, I slept, but when I woke up, I didn't really feel rested and I didn't really feel like 'myself.' Then again, I haven't been my old self for a while now...not that I necessarily want to be. My worst fear had started to come true, and I finally realized it: I was becoming addicted to it. There were several nights that I tried to go to sleep without it, but I would lie there and convince myself that I wouldn't fall asleep without it, which stressed me out even more than I already was, so I would end up taking it. I wanted to be off of it so badly. I've never liked taking medications, especially not for prolonged periods of time. Especially not for sleeping. One night, I went to take it, and realized the bottle was empty...I had forgotten to refill it. I'm a little ashamed to admit this, but I would up on my floor, looking for the one that I thought I heard fall the night before. To admit that I would have taken a pill that I found on my bedroom floor is appalling to me. Not that my room is dirty - that's not it. What's appalling is how loudly it screams "desperation." (Side note: I didn't find it). That night, I probably would have fallen asleep on my own, had I not been so stressed about not falling asleep because I didn't take it. I eventually got up and took a Tylenol, just to swallow something and try and convince myself that I took the Ambien. That. is. a. problem. No? So, fast forward a month or so, after I had refilled it once more. I fell asleep one night, on my own, without taking it or even thinking about taking it. Once I woke up in the morning and realized this, I decided that if I could do it once, I could do it again. So I didn't take it the next night, or the next night, and slowly I realized that I could fall asleep on my own and that maybe I had overcome the psychological side of it all (not the adoption, but the medication). Before I knew it, I realized it had been two weeks since I had taken it. I still have 5 left in the bottle on my nightstand, and I'm not going to throw them or the prescription away, but it feels so good to know that I don't "need" them.
I've kept this in for a few days, but I have to share. On Tuesday, I got a phone call from her birth dad, out of the blue. We do occasionally talk (about our daughter) but we hadn't in a while and we sort of left it at "we'll talk sometime...eventually..." and that was that. Anyways, he called and said that he had been thinking about what to do for me for Mother's Day (SHOCKER!!). Last year, he gave me a card, and while it was simple, it was sweet. We've been through a lot, he put me through a lot, and at times he hurt me to the core and worked my last nerve, but as a person, he is a good man. He's made some mistakes and hurt some of the people closest to him, but at the end of the day, he is not a bad person. I was flattered that he called to acknowledge the day at all this year. He said that he wanted to do a little more for me than just getting a card or a gift, so he asked me if I'd be able to spare a couple of hours to meet up with him because he wanted to surprise me with something nice. I have absolutely no clue what he is or could be planning. Dinner, possibly. I know many of you reading this are probably thinking "he just wants something," and honestly, the thought went through my head, too, and even though I have been with him (read: slept with him) a couple of times since the baby was born, I know he respects me enough not to pull that with me again. The couple of times that it happened were two too many, and it was a while ago. He wouldn't cross that line now. I'm not completely naive to him now, though. With his track record, it's tough to give him the benefit of the doubt all the time. But at the same time, I suppose I have to admit that I've wronged him in the past before, too. We've wronged each other and both tried to move on from it. I told him I would let him know. I want to go, but I don't want to make a mistake, either. I don't want to back track here, I need to move forward. I was flattered by the invite, and am honored that he wants to acknowledge me as the person who carried and delivered his child. I want, with all of my heart, to believe that he has good intentions. I'm torn. And I only have a few more days to figure it out...
Thursday, May 10, 2012
"I Would Have Loved to be Her Mom"
Through various links, I came across this amazing blog post today. Which led me to this even more amazing video:
Watch that and try not to cry! These birth moms are putting my exact emotions into words, which is a sentiment that I am sure will be shared by almost any birth mom who watches the video. This five-minute video made me cry happy tears as well as sad tears, and gave me an even deeper appreciation for my daughter's adoptive family...did I mention that this happened all in under 6 minutes?
Monday, May 7, 2012
A Mother's Day Letter (in the works)
The gears have been turning and spinning in my brain for a couple of weeks now. I was trying to figure out what I could get for my little one's mom for Mother's Day. Everything I thought of was either cliche or not fitting. The last day that I saw them, she gave me a necklace with our daughter's birthstone on it and told me that she had one for Arianna for when she's older, too. She wrote me a beautiful card to go with it and when she got to the part about the necklace, she said "Of course, it is her birthstone. We cannot thank you enough for your selflessness and this necklace in no way represents how grateful we are to you, because there are no words or objects that we could say or give to you that would show how much we love you. You and ----- both have matching ones, and we will explain the significance of her necklace to her for the day that they (and you) come together again." (God, I could cry just typing that.) So, the idea of birth stone necklaces was out of the question. Then I started thinking about mani/pedi/spa day gift certificates, but that seems too generic. Don't get me wrong, it's a great gift, and I know she deserves to treat herself to a "me" day. I posed the question to some girls in the support group last night, and I got the most perfect response from one of them. Kari - if you read this, you rock! She suggested I write her a letter! I've been meaning to do that for the longest time, but I just haven't done it. I was too focused on writing to my little girl and writing back to emails from her a-mom that I never took the time to actually hand-write her a letter. What better time than now? I will probably keep it personal and private, because I think even the most sentimental things become cheapened a little when they're publicly read or written, but I can tell you that I am going to thank her for giving our daughter everything that I couldn't give her and more. I know I talk a lot about the hard side of things on this blog - how much it hurts sometimes, how it KILLS me sometimes - but I never really talk about how much I truly love this woman and her family (but especially her. There is a bond you share when you are both mothers of the same child that's not really explainable to anyone other than another birth mom or adoptive mom). I could go on for days about how I feel about her family. I know I went through a really rough time from January to March of this year, what with the waiting for photos and the broken promises, but that's water under the bridge now. I haven't forgotten, but I know life gets in the way sometimes. All that matters is she followed through on her word. It may have (okay, it definitely did) taken longer than I would have liked it to, but she came through.
Okay, I'm going to go get some paper and a box of tissues and lock myself in my room and start writing...
Okay, I'm going to go get some paper and a box of tissues and lock myself in my room and start writing...
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Self, make it through the week, please.
1 week til Mother's Day 1 week til Mother's Day 1 week til Mother's Day. One more week of sappy commercials and even sappier Lifetime specials...I can do it! Mother's Day is so bittersweet for me. I love and appreciate being recognized by those who send me well wishes on this day, but it doesn't take away the sting that the "holiday" brings on at full-force. It is the one day that I can be acknowledged as a mother, yet I have no child to celebrate with me. More to come on this, I'm sure...
Saturday, May 5, 2012
"Go Away"
Right before I got out of work on Thursday, I had a conversation that both baffled me and made me want to smack someone at the same time. Luckily it happened a few minutes before 5:00, which is when I leave. See, I have a photo of Arianna on my desk. It's been there since the day I started working at this company, and I love having it there. It makes me smile throughout the day. Every now and then someone will walk by and say "she's adorable, who is she?" and I usually just say "my daughter," and for the most part, they keep it moving. I went back and forth about whether or not I should keep the photo there, because (a) simply saying "my daughter" leads them to believe that I am raising her, and there is a huge risk of someone asking me something later on down the road that I cannot answer... (b) it is usually not the time nor the place to go into the 'adoption' discussion because I've realized that people either give you that sympathetic look, become extremely awkward and don't know what to say, or a mix of both... and (c) I refuse to lie and say "my niece" or something along those lines. I'm proud of her, I love her, and I feel that if I want to have a photo of her on my desk then I will have a photo of her on my desk. I don't discuss much of my personal life at work - I'm not really friends friends with any of the girls there, so we usually keep it professional and we don't have much time for joking around anyway.
So - back to Thursday. A woman, who is probably in her late 40's/early 50's, came over to my desk to ask me to look up a case on my computer. As I was doing it, she said "who is THIS!? She is beautiful! Look at her hair!," and I said thank you and told her it was my daughter. (This is usually followed up with - "oh, what's her name?" or "how old is she?" and that's that.) This woman said "I didn't know you had a daughter!" I just sort of smiled at her and kept looking for the case. By that, I mean, I just let her talk, because she was talking so much I couldn't get a word in anyway. She was being so nice, talking about how cute her smile is and just throwing compliments out left and right. She asked me how old she was; I told her one and a half. She asked me her name, I told her the name that her a-parents gave to her. After all, that is her name now. She asked me what her dad looked like, because she didn't look much like me. Meanwhile, thoughts were spinning around in my head because I kept thinking, 'I need to tell her...but I'm so afraid to make it awkward..' but before I could even say it, she says "Is she really your child!? I just never knew you had a baby. You never talk much about her at all - like, you never say 'motherly' things!" and then she leaned in and whispered, "plus, you look too young to have a baby, you know?" That right there sort of flicked a switch in my head and I got defensive. I am 24 years old. Is that on the young side to be a mother? I guess so - ideally I wish I had waited til I was 28 or maybe even 30 to have my first child, but that does not make me too young to have a child. I know plenty of girls my age that have 6, 7, 8 year olds. I didn't even know how to respond to her, other than to use that as my opportunity to tell her the truth. I told her that my little girl was adopted, and we are not raising her. The look on this woman's face went from judgmental to 'oh shit' in 10 seconds or less. She apologized up and down for the things she had said; and I told her that she did not need to apologize, because she didn't know. I knew she didn't know, so it was fine. She kept saying she never would have pushed the issue of me not talking much about her, had she known. I told her not to worry, and I meant it. It would have been one thing if she had known - but how could she have known? She never would have said those things if she had known. I knew that. So I told her over and over not to worry.
She carried the conversation on, asking me if her dad (she meant birth father) is still in my life or not, etc. I didn't go into much with her...I just told her that he and I speak when it has to do with her, and that's it. She asked me how I get the pictures, and I told her that we keep in fairly close touch and talk regularly. This is where the conversation gets stupid. She asks, "how do you keep in touch? I mean, how do you communicate with them?" I told her, "Facebook, email, phone, and skype, for now." After I said this, she gave me this crazy look and made that infamous 'hummmpf' noise and said, "Wow, that's odd. Usually they want the parents to go away, and I can see why...so they can really raise them as their own" and she sort of giggled. My blood instantly started boiling and I know I was bright red. I did not even know how to respond to her. Do I try to educate this woman on how ignorant she is being? I didn't really want to go down that road, especially not at 4:58pm. I wanted to leave, right then. I get that she is older, and when she was my age (or younger) a lot of adoptions worked that way. Women signed the papers and never heard from the adoptive family again. I also realize that I am probably naive to a lot of things that others are passionate about and could innocently say something that could be portrayed as ignorant simply because I honestly don't know any better. But I don't see any excuse whatsoever - whether you aren't familiar with a certain subject, or you truly believe what you are saying - to look someone in the eye, someone who just told you they placed their child for adoption, and tell them that it's odd that they are kept in their child's life because you wouldn't want that person in your child's life if you didn't birth your child.
Maybe she meant no harm by the comment, I don't know. I can't see how she didn't, but whatever. I will never look at her the same way again. I was cursing myself the whole way home, because I brought it on myself by having her photo on my desk. I promised myself I would take it home with me the next day so I wouldn't have to deal with stupid comments anymore. Then I realized that, no, I would not be taking the picture down. No, she isn't "mine" mine, but she will always be mine. Makes no sense, right? Except it does make sense. I should be able to have her photo there, in the privacy of my own desk, if it makes me happy...and it does make me happy. Regardless of the stupid, ridiculous comment she made.
So - back to Thursday. A woman, who is probably in her late 40's/early 50's, came over to my desk to ask me to look up a case on my computer. As I was doing it, she said "who is THIS!? She is beautiful! Look at her hair!," and I said thank you and told her it was my daughter. (This is usually followed up with - "oh, what's her name?" or "how old is she?" and that's that.) This woman said "I didn't know you had a daughter!" I just sort of smiled at her and kept looking for the case. By that, I mean, I just let her talk, because she was talking so much I couldn't get a word in anyway. She was being so nice, talking about how cute her smile is and just throwing compliments out left and right. She asked me how old she was; I told her one and a half. She asked me her name, I told her the name that her a-parents gave to her. After all, that is her name now. She asked me what her dad looked like, because she didn't look much like me. Meanwhile, thoughts were spinning around in my head because I kept thinking, 'I need to tell her...but I'm so afraid to make it awkward..' but before I could even say it, she says "Is she really your child!? I just never knew you had a baby. You never talk much about her at all - like, you never say 'motherly' things!" and then she leaned in and whispered, "plus, you look too young to have a baby, you know?" That right there sort of flicked a switch in my head and I got defensive. I am 24 years old. Is that on the young side to be a mother? I guess so - ideally I wish I had waited til I was 28 or maybe even 30 to have my first child, but that does not make me too young to have a child. I know plenty of girls my age that have 6, 7, 8 year olds. I didn't even know how to respond to her, other than to use that as my opportunity to tell her the truth. I told her that my little girl was adopted, and we are not raising her. The look on this woman's face went from judgmental to 'oh shit' in 10 seconds or less. She apologized up and down for the things she had said; and I told her that she did not need to apologize, because she didn't know. I knew she didn't know, so it was fine. She kept saying she never would have pushed the issue of me not talking much about her, had she known. I told her not to worry, and I meant it. It would have been one thing if she had known - but how could she have known? She never would have said those things if she had known. I knew that. So I told her over and over not to worry.
She carried the conversation on, asking me if her dad (she meant birth father) is still in my life or not, etc. I didn't go into much with her...I just told her that he and I speak when it has to do with her, and that's it. She asked me how I get the pictures, and I told her that we keep in fairly close touch and talk regularly. This is where the conversation gets stupid. She asks, "how do you keep in touch? I mean, how do you communicate with them?" I told her, "Facebook, email, phone, and skype, for now." After I said this, she gave me this crazy look and made that infamous 'hummmpf' noise and said, "Wow, that's odd. Usually they want the parents to go away, and I can see why...so they can really raise them as their own" and she sort of giggled. My blood instantly started boiling and I know I was bright red. I did not even know how to respond to her. Do I try to educate this woman on how ignorant she is being? I didn't really want to go down that road, especially not at 4:58pm. I wanted to leave, right then. I get that she is older, and when she was my age (or younger) a lot of adoptions worked that way. Women signed the papers and never heard from the adoptive family again. I also realize that I am probably naive to a lot of things that others are passionate about and could innocently say something that could be portrayed as ignorant simply because I honestly don't know any better. But I don't see any excuse whatsoever - whether you aren't familiar with a certain subject, or you truly believe what you are saying - to look someone in the eye, someone who just told you they placed their child for adoption, and tell them that it's odd that they are kept in their child's life because you wouldn't want that person in your child's life if you didn't birth your child.
Maybe she meant no harm by the comment, I don't know. I can't see how she didn't, but whatever. I will never look at her the same way again. I was cursing myself the whole way home, because I brought it on myself by having her photo on my desk. I promised myself I would take it home with me the next day so I wouldn't have to deal with stupid comments anymore. Then I realized that, no, I would not be taking the picture down. No, she isn't "mine" mine, but she will always be mine. Makes no sense, right? Except it does make sense. I should be able to have her photo there, in the privacy of my own desk, if it makes me happy...and it does make me happy. Regardless of the stupid, ridiculous comment she made.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
18 months...
Little Miss is 18 months old today! An entire year and a half has gone by since the day she was born. Sometimes I feel like it was just yesterday, others, I feel like it was centuries ago. I feel like 18 months is a milestone. She's really not a "baby" anymore but she's not quite a toddler yet, either. Even though she's as tall as her three-year-old brother ;)
I created an email address for her last year. Only two people have the address - myself and her birth dad. I'm the only one with the password. I promised him that I wouldn't read anything that he sends, in the event that he sends anything at all. It will be hard (I'm still a little nosy by nature when it comes to him). I wanted to have a way to feel like I was "talking" to her on tough days, good days, and all of the days in between...especially holidays and her birthday. Whenever the day comes that she and I can have a relationship of our own and she is old enough, I will tell her about it and give her the password so she can go on and see everything I've written to her. I'm still going to write hand-written letters, as they are so much more personal, but I wanted to have the email as well. I like the idea that they are dated and timestamped and all of that, so she can see exactly when I wrote it, down to the hour. She's always on my mind. I constantly hear songs or read poems that remind me of her, and those are the things that I send in a quick email. Or sometimes I write to her as if I'm writing in my own journal. Sometimes I send it, others I don't have the courage. (I know I can go in and delete anything I send at any time, but that sort of defeats the purpose!) I just sent her a Happy "1/2 Birthday" email and pasted the lyrics to the song above in the email (because who knows when youtube video links will expire?!).
I hope one day she can treasure these things.
I created an email address for her last year. Only two people have the address - myself and her birth dad. I'm the only one with the password. I promised him that I wouldn't read anything that he sends, in the event that he sends anything at all. It will be hard (I'm still a little nosy by nature when it comes to him). I wanted to have a way to feel like I was "talking" to her on tough days, good days, and all of the days in between...especially holidays and her birthday. Whenever the day comes that she and I can have a relationship of our own and she is old enough, I will tell her about it and give her the password so she can go on and see everything I've written to her. I'm still going to write hand-written letters, as they are so much more personal, but I wanted to have the email as well. I like the idea that they are dated and timestamped and all of that, so she can see exactly when I wrote it, down to the hour. She's always on my mind. I constantly hear songs or read poems that remind me of her, and those are the things that I send in a quick email. Or sometimes I write to her as if I'm writing in my own journal. Sometimes I send it, others I don't have the courage. (I know I can go in and delete anything I send at any time, but that sort of defeats the purpose!) I just sent her a Happy "1/2 Birthday" email and pasted the lyrics to the song above in the email (because who knows when youtube video links will expire?!).
I hope one day she can treasure these things.
Monday, April 30, 2012
In Fact, There Was No Spark at All....
I saw a post that someone had shared on a Facebook page asking how you met your significant other/child's father/husband etc., and if there was a spark there right away or if it took some time to develop. It got me to thinking about something I don't think about too much - how things began with Arianna's birth father. Of course I think about the ending all the time (too much, really), but I rarely think about the beginning.
I took a part-time job in the summer of 2006, right after I graduated high school. He had worked there for a couple of years, but I didn't meet him right away. Coincidentally, he was away on paternity leave when I started (ironic, isn't it?) and came back about a month or so later. Mind you, I was 18, and knew he he just turned 30. I remember the day he came back like it was yesterday, although I'm not sure why, because he meant nothing to me then and didn't make much of an impression on me then, either. I still remember it, though. I had just gotten my nose pierced and one of the first things he said to me after introducing himself was that it "looked cute" on me. I remember turning that awful shade of red that I think all pasty Irish girls like myself can relate to. I remember, for a while, I was very quiet around him and he intimidated me. He never did anything to upset me or anything, in fact, we barely even spoke or interacted with one another. But he was a big guy, seemed to have authority over everyone else who worked there, and wasn't shy about anything, and that intimidated me. So, fast forward to December or so - I heard through the grapevine that he was moving out of his house (he lived with his girlfriend and their 8 month old daughter). Around this time, you could cut the tension with a knife and he was really edgy. He had an attitude that was just awful. He said something to me that offended me and I wound up in tears, begging my manager to change my hours around so I could work a shift opposite his. We were in a department the size of your average master bedroom. I wanted away from him, and fast. For months (by months, I mean until March) we didn't speak to each other. Even when we were the only ones there, we did not speak. If I had a question about something, I went elsewhere to find my answer. We simply ignored each other and I was fine with it.
One day, somehow, we were alone yet again, and ended up laughing about something. I don't think we meant to laugh at the same time and we certainly weren't laughing together over it, but we both laughed. It was like all of the issues just went away, and it was a weight off my shoulders. I didn't have any feelings for him whatsoever at the time, but it was nice to be able to walk in and say 'hello' rather than walking in the opposite direction of a co-worker.
Some more time went by, and we got to talking in the mornings because we both worked at 5 a.m. We found a common ground in talking about cars and music, and he was talking about some CD that he liked a few years back and I told him that I actually owned that CD (I think it was Mase or something crazy like that) and that I could burn it for him if he wanted a copy. He gave me his phone number and told me, "don't play the way you normally do. Don't be shy, if I don't pick up, leave me a message." That was how numbers were exchanged. Over the next month or so, we talked a lot about his car and how he wanted to modify it, convert it, etc., which is something that I was genuinely interested in. I've always loved cars, and he got so giddy talking about it that you couldn't help but be interested in what he was selling. We developed a pretty good friendship in that month alone. Then, when my birthday came in April of 2007, he called out of the blue and asked me if I could meet him in Boston. I went, and we got in his car and went to Chili's to "celebrate my birthday." He paid for our lunch, and still, my mind never went anyplace other than a strictly platonic friendship. Over the next few months, we talked more and more and hung out outside of work more and more, and it was that summer that I finally started to see him in a different way. I had loved him like a brother for a while - he protected me, looked out for me, and talked to me about anything. But towards the end of the summer, I started to wonder about us. I started to feel like something was bound to happen; it was only a matter of time. I had never been with anyone at that point, and found myself thinking more and more that he was someone that I wanted to be with. I thought about it, a LOT. (TMI warning)! I was still a virgin at the ripe young age of 19, and really felt like I wanted him to be my 'first.' I talked to my friends about him all the time. How close to perfect it all was, yet in hindsight, it wasn't perfect at all.
One night, around the middle of September, he told me that he was going to get his car towed from one garage to another, and he wanted me to be there with him (I'm telling you, the cars were like children to him). I went, and we hung out and talked while we waited for the flatbed to come get his car. We ended up lying on the front lawn of his cousin's house half-cuddling and I was over the moon. I remember that night like it just happened...I can even remember what I was wearing and everything. I couldn't think of one place I would rather have been that night. I remember wanting to kiss him, but I was too shy. It felt like it would have been "right," but I just wouldn't make that move, and I think he was trying to be respectful and not make that move either. I was now at that crossroads that no one wants to be at: do we go for it, and possibly risk ruining our amazing friendship, or do we just let sleeping dogs lie and stay just friends? I did know for sure, though, that I definitely had feelings for him by that point. And that they wouldn't just 'go away.' Two weeks later, on a Sunday, I was at work alone and he called (he called every Sunday because I worked alone in the afternoon, so we would talk to pass the time) and said he was having a bad weekend for whatever reason. I agreed, because I remember that I was just having a bad day. He asked me to meet him in Boston again when I got off work. I met up with him later that night, and we went to a reservation area with a huge pond and miles of woods. We called it our 'mountains.' It is beautiful there. We just went for a walk and ended up lying down up against a giant log that was at the top of a hill. Not to get all gushy - but you could see the stars through the trees and hear the water and it was about as close to perfect as you could make it. So, as the story goes (the part you've all been waiting for!), this was the night that he kissed me for the first time. I had been waiting for so long for it, and when it finally happened, it was almost as if nothing else mattered at all. That was September 30th, 2007...and the rest is history. Well, it's history until January of 2010 when I ended up pregnant. But you get the idea. Everything in the middle - the fun, the laughs, the fights, the tears, the drives, the screaming, the talks, the sex, the letters - has made me who I am today. Sometimes I miss it all, and sometimes I wish it all never happened. Sometimes I cry about it, others I laugh. When I start to think about the good times, I feel empty, I feel sad. But when I start to think about the bad times, I feel glad that they are behind me. He was a lesson learned, as was our friendship, and as was our relationship. I wouldn't change a second of it, though. Everything has it's repercussions, every action creates a reaction. Changing one second of our history might mean that our little girl wouldn't be a part of this world right now. And while I do live without her everyday, I still couldn't imagine living without her.
So, that's how we met, and that's how it all unfolded. If someone told me years ago (when he and I weren't even on speaking terms) that we would end up where we are today, I would never have believed it. Hell, I probably wouldn't have even done it. Despite all of the pain, resentment, anger (etc., etc.,) of it ending, and all of the hell I went through with him for the duration of it, I have to say that I'm glad I didn't look before I leaped.
I took a part-time job in the summer of 2006, right after I graduated high school. He had worked there for a couple of years, but I didn't meet him right away. Coincidentally, he was away on paternity leave when I started (ironic, isn't it?) and came back about a month or so later. Mind you, I was 18, and knew he he just turned 30. I remember the day he came back like it was yesterday, although I'm not sure why, because he meant nothing to me then and didn't make much of an impression on me then, either. I still remember it, though. I had just gotten my nose pierced and one of the first things he said to me after introducing himself was that it "looked cute" on me. I remember turning that awful shade of red that I think all pasty Irish girls like myself can relate to. I remember, for a while, I was very quiet around him and he intimidated me. He never did anything to upset me or anything, in fact, we barely even spoke or interacted with one another. But he was a big guy, seemed to have authority over everyone else who worked there, and wasn't shy about anything, and that intimidated me. So, fast forward to December or so - I heard through the grapevine that he was moving out of his house (he lived with his girlfriend and their 8 month old daughter). Around this time, you could cut the tension with a knife and he was really edgy. He had an attitude that was just awful. He said something to me that offended me and I wound up in tears, begging my manager to change my hours around so I could work a shift opposite his. We were in a department the size of your average master bedroom. I wanted away from him, and fast. For months (by months, I mean until March) we didn't speak to each other. Even when we were the only ones there, we did not speak. If I had a question about something, I went elsewhere to find my answer. We simply ignored each other and I was fine with it.
One day, somehow, we were alone yet again, and ended up laughing about something. I don't think we meant to laugh at the same time and we certainly weren't laughing together over it, but we both laughed. It was like all of the issues just went away, and it was a weight off my shoulders. I didn't have any feelings for him whatsoever at the time, but it was nice to be able to walk in and say 'hello' rather than walking in the opposite direction of a co-worker.
Some more time went by, and we got to talking in the mornings because we both worked at 5 a.m. We found a common ground in talking about cars and music, and he was talking about some CD that he liked a few years back and I told him that I actually owned that CD (I think it was Mase or something crazy like that) and that I could burn it for him if he wanted a copy. He gave me his phone number and told me, "don't play the way you normally do. Don't be shy, if I don't pick up, leave me a message." That was how numbers were exchanged. Over the next month or so, we talked a lot about his car and how he wanted to modify it, convert it, etc., which is something that I was genuinely interested in. I've always loved cars, and he got so giddy talking about it that you couldn't help but be interested in what he was selling. We developed a pretty good friendship in that month alone. Then, when my birthday came in April of 2007, he called out of the blue and asked me if I could meet him in Boston. I went, and we got in his car and went to Chili's to "celebrate my birthday." He paid for our lunch, and still, my mind never went anyplace other than a strictly platonic friendship. Over the next few months, we talked more and more and hung out outside of work more and more, and it was that summer that I finally started to see him in a different way. I had loved him like a brother for a while - he protected me, looked out for me, and talked to me about anything. But towards the end of the summer, I started to wonder about us. I started to feel like something was bound to happen; it was only a matter of time. I had never been with anyone at that point, and found myself thinking more and more that he was someone that I wanted to be with. I thought about it, a LOT. (TMI warning)! I was still a virgin at the ripe young age of 19, and really felt like I wanted him to be my 'first.' I talked to my friends about him all the time. How close to perfect it all was, yet in hindsight, it wasn't perfect at all.
One night, around the middle of September, he told me that he was going to get his car towed from one garage to another, and he wanted me to be there with him (I'm telling you, the cars were like children to him). I went, and we hung out and talked while we waited for the flatbed to come get his car. We ended up lying on the front lawn of his cousin's house half-cuddling and I was over the moon. I remember that night like it just happened...I can even remember what I was wearing and everything. I couldn't think of one place I would rather have been that night. I remember wanting to kiss him, but I was too shy. It felt like it would have been "right," but I just wouldn't make that move, and I think he was trying to be respectful and not make that move either. I was now at that crossroads that no one wants to be at: do we go for it, and possibly risk ruining our amazing friendship, or do we just let sleeping dogs lie and stay just friends? I did know for sure, though, that I definitely had feelings for him by that point. And that they wouldn't just 'go away.' Two weeks later, on a Sunday, I was at work alone and he called (he called every Sunday because I worked alone in the afternoon, so we would talk to pass the time) and said he was having a bad weekend for whatever reason. I agreed, because I remember that I was just having a bad day. He asked me to meet him in Boston again when I got off work. I met up with him later that night, and we went to a reservation area with a huge pond and miles of woods. We called it our 'mountains.' It is beautiful there. We just went for a walk and ended up lying down up against a giant log that was at the top of a hill. Not to get all gushy - but you could see the stars through the trees and hear the water and it was about as close to perfect as you could make it. So, as the story goes (the part you've all been waiting for!), this was the night that he kissed me for the first time. I had been waiting for so long for it, and when it finally happened, it was almost as if nothing else mattered at all. That was September 30th, 2007...and the rest is history. Well, it's history until January of 2010 when I ended up pregnant. But you get the idea. Everything in the middle - the fun, the laughs, the fights, the tears, the drives, the screaming, the talks, the sex, the letters - has made me who I am today. Sometimes I miss it all, and sometimes I wish it all never happened. Sometimes I cry about it, others I laugh. When I start to think about the good times, I feel empty, I feel sad. But when I start to think about the bad times, I feel glad that they are behind me. He was a lesson learned, as was our friendship, and as was our relationship. I wouldn't change a second of it, though. Everything has it's repercussions, every action creates a reaction. Changing one second of our history might mean that our little girl wouldn't be a part of this world right now. And while I do live without her everyday, I still couldn't imagine living without her.
So, that's how we met, and that's how it all unfolded. If someone told me years ago (when he and I weren't even on speaking terms) that we would end up where we are today, I would never have believed it. Hell, I probably wouldn't have even done it. Despite all of the pain, resentment, anger (etc., etc.,) of it ending, and all of the hell I went through with him for the duration of it, I have to say that I'm glad I didn't look before I leaped.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
I'm Always Thinking of Her, I'm Doing This Because of Her
This song always makes me cry, no matter where, when, or why I'm
listening to it. It's an r&b song, which isn't the first genre that
would come to mind when you're thinking of songs about your child, but
it's exactly how I feel about my little one. Her birth father told me
once, on one of our various "breaks" that this song described us. Still
not sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing - but either way, it
always makes me think of her now and I'd rather think of her than him!
(Just being honest. Ha!)
Sometimes...
What may be the best thing for you to do
Sometimes it the hardest thing for you to do
And that's real
Cause I know that I love you
I know how I feel about you
But i also know that don't make everything alright
And for that reason
I gotta say goodbye
Tell me have you ever been in a
Situation where the best thing you could do
Is the hardest thing you've ever done
But you try to do whats right
And I know that deep down inside
That i really wanna be there by your side
But i can't stand to see you cry
Not when its because of me
And its over, I'll never love another
I'm always thinking of her, I'm doing this because of her
Don't wanna say goodbye
I don't wanna let her see me cry
Looking out the window and wondering why
Did we have to say all those things that we said last night
Baby I don't wanna say goodbye
So I'm just standing here wondering why
Just don't like to see when you cry
So I'ma say goodbye
If you think I cause I packed your stuff
That inside I ain't really really cracking u p
Cause you're wrong I just hide it good
Cause I know that's what you need
And there's more to life than loving yourself
You gotta learn to love somebody else
And that's why I do the things that I do
And its over, I'll never love another
I'm always thinking of her, I'm doing this because of her
Don't wanna say goodbye
I don't wanna let her see me cry
Looking out the window and wondering why
Did we have to say all those things that we said last night
Baby I don't wanna say goodbye
So I'm standing here wondering why
Just don't wanna see when you cry
So I'ma say goodbye
There's no one in this world that can ever take you place
All the love that we share, it can never be erased
and i know that, that it hurts so bad
And its so that, that you're the best i've had
There's no one in this world that can ever take your place
All the love that we shared, it can never be erased
And I know that, that it hurts so bad
And its so that, that you're the best I've had
There's no one in this world that can ever take your place
All the love that we share, it can never be erased
and i know that, that it hurts so bad
And it's so that, that you're the best I've had
There's no one in this world that can ever take your place
All the love that we share, it can never be erased
And i know that, that it hurts so bad
And it's so that, that you're the best I've had
What may be the best thing for you to do
Sometimes it the hardest thing for you to do
And that's real
Cause I know that I love you
I know how I feel about you
But i also know that don't make everything alright
And for that reason
I gotta say goodbye
Tell me have you ever been in a
Situation where the best thing you could do
Is the hardest thing you've ever done
But you try to do whats right
And I know that deep down inside
That i really wanna be there by your side
But i can't stand to see you cry
Not when its because of me
And its over, I'll never love another
I'm always thinking of her, I'm doing this because of her
Don't wanna say goodbye
I don't wanna let her see me cry
Looking out the window and wondering why
Did we have to say all those things that we said last night
Baby I don't wanna say goodbye
So I'm just standing here wondering why
Just don't like to see when you cry
So I'ma say goodbye
If you think I cause I packed your stuff
That inside I ain't really really cracking u p
Cause you're wrong I just hide it good
Cause I know that's what you need
And there's more to life than loving yourself
You gotta learn to love somebody else
And that's why I do the things that I do
And its over, I'll never love another
I'm always thinking of her, I'm doing this because of her
Don't wanna say goodbye
I don't wanna let her see me cry
Looking out the window and wondering why
Did we have to say all those things that we said last night
Baby I don't wanna say goodbye
So I'm standing here wondering why
Just don't wanna see when you cry
So I'ma say goodbye
There's no one in this world that can ever take you place
All the love that we share, it can never be erased
and i know that, that it hurts so bad
And its so that, that you're the best i've had
There's no one in this world that can ever take your place
All the love that we shared, it can never be erased
And I know that, that it hurts so bad
And its so that, that you're the best I've had
There's no one in this world that can ever take your place
All the love that we share, it can never be erased
and i know that, that it hurts so bad
And it's so that, that you're the best I've had
There's no one in this world that can ever take your place
All the love that we share, it can never be erased
And i know that, that it hurts so bad
And it's so that, that you're the best I've had
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Support
I decided to join the support group on Facebook that I was a part of for a few months starting last fall. I left because I was getting antsy about not hearing from my daugher's a-mom, and I kept reading a lot of posts from girls whose adoptions had suddenly closed or were closing, and I couldn't handle reading it. It would freak me out. It made doors closing the norm, since I read so much about it. I know that it's not the norm, and I can see no reason why her adoptive parents would suddenly shut me out, but the idea still crept into a tiny corner in my brain and made itself at home for a while. Once I got my promised update (plus a few more) and some more regular/consistent communication with her a-mom again, I decided it was safe to go back. I love it. I feel like I can say whatever is on my mind and I won't be judged, which is amazing. I really do need to start making some more positive changes. Since my birthday just passed, I figure that now is as good a time as ever. I can use it as a "turning point." I stopped going to therapy once I started working full-time because I just felt like I didn't have enough time. Most therapists work banker's hours; 9 to 5, just like I do. So it's tough. But I'm starting to realize that there's always a way to find time to work on yourself. There has to be. I can go to work, come straight home and relax but still have that 'I'm miserable' feeling linger in the back of my mind, or I can go to work, go straight to therapy, and slowly but surely feel better. It's clear which of the two is the better option, it's just a matter of taking the first step. It's a step I've taken a few times in the past year and a half-ish. I've had three different therapists, but none have really been that perfect match for me. I need someone well versed in adoption loss, self-esteem, and male/relationship issues. I need to talk to someone not only about my baby, but about her father. I need to feel like I can be fully honest. I've never been 100% honest with any of them, which is why I've never moved forward the way I should have. I've always left out teeny bits of the truth here or there - mostly (okay, only) about him. His age when we met. How our relationship began. What we fought about, etc. I can't expect anyone to be able to help me if I can't even be honest about what kind of help I need. Basically, my seeking support from other birthmoms led me to the realization that I need to seek help from someone totally outside the box, too. I need to start to be more open. I need to get "me" back...or as much or "me" as I can possibly get back. I know I'm a different person now. I became a mother and lost that title all within the span of 8 days. Honestly, I barely even know who I am anymore...
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Potentially Boring Post! Test Images
It's Saturday! I finally have some time to play around with my new
camera that I got for my birthday. I picked it out, of course (getting
older = choosing your own gifts) and I have been looking forward to
playing around with it ever since Thursday. It's a Canon SX260 HS. I figured I would post a few
of the test images I took using the different digital filters that came
built-in. This is going to be my "point and shoot" camera that I can
take with me whenever I feel like it. It's tough lugging my larger
(read: more expensive, valuable, and not to be handled by a klutz on a
day-to-day basis) camera around, and my other digital camera was getting
a little old/outdated. I believe I got it as a Christmas gift in 2008 -
it's a Sony CyberShot and I actually loved it despite the fact that I
had a pretty crappy CyberShot a few years back.
These pictures are not great quality, I just took one of my Tinkerbell
figurines (yes, I collect those!) and put it down on the rug in my
bedroom floor and tested out the filters. If you actually look at all of
the photos, you can see Lily make a brief appearance, before she's
scared away by the flash. 
Toy Camera filter (blue tone, you can also shoot in red and sepia)
Soft focus
Monochrome
Vivid Color
Posterize
Monochrome with color selection - pink (I'm not too happy with this one. I took one of a vase of pink, yellow, and white flowers which came out much better)
Color Swap (green to purple)
Normal auto focus with no effect (this one's a little blurry...not the camera's fault. My phone vibrated and scared the bejeezus out of me right when I took it)
Miniature Effect (blurs the top and bottom of the image)
Manual focus with flash
I'm really excited to play around with it some more. I know these are fairly basic features, but to an amateur who is just passionate about taking and editing photos, and someone who has always had a much more basic carry-around camera, these are really neat. I want to learn and use this camera to it's full potential!
I'm really excited to play around with it some more. I know these are fairly basic features, but to an amateur who is just passionate about taking and editing photos, and someone who has always had a much more basic carry-around camera, these are really neat. I want to learn and use this camera to it's full potential!
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Mixed feelings
I'm excited because last year on my birthday, my mom gave me a framed 8 x 10 photo of my little girl that I had never seen before. She 'went behind my back' (haha) and asked C for some photos that I had never seen so she could surprise me. Well, my birthday is tomorrow, and I'm getting my hopes up that it may happen again. I know it's against my better judgement to get my hopes up about anything like that, but I can't help it!
I'm a little nervous, because I'm worried that I won't get a text or call or email from C tomorrow for my birthday. Call me selfish - yes, I know it sounds selfish - but I think I would be a little let down if I didn't hear from her. I know she has her life and I have mine and we are both (more so her) busy with our lives, and my world "revolves," if you will, around them/Arianna more than their lives revolve around me. I know that. But I would be lying if I said I wouldn't be just a teeny bit disappointed. My birthday doesn't mean much to me anymore, really. I'm working 9 - 5 and then going out to dinner and I already know what my gift is from my parents - a new camera! So in the grand scheme of things, it's definitely not as exciting as it used to be. Which is to be expected! Nothing would make my day more than a simple "happy birthday" from her, though. Even if she didn't send any photos, that's fine! I am blessed beyond belief to have been able to Skype with them for A's birthday, which is so much more important to me than my own. In a way, her birthday was my birthday too - a metaphoric birth from my old life into the one that I knew I needed to start living after her.
Am I selfish for feeling this way? For feeling a little nervous because even though tomorrow should and will be a happy day for me, part of me is worried about the hurt/disappointment that I'll feel if I don't hear from them?
The more I read what I'm writing, the more selfish I feel. I assure anyone who is reading this that it's not because I feel that I deserve recognition or that I am 'owed' an acknowledgement. I guess it would just be nice to know she was thinking of me. Then again, she constantly assures me that she is and that our daughter is lucky to have such an amazing birth family. So with that said, do I really need a 'happy birthday' text from them? I think not!
(This is the most back-and-forth post I think I've ever written. However, I answered my own question and that could very well be a first, too)!
I'm a little nervous, because I'm worried that I won't get a text or call or email from C tomorrow for my birthday. Call me selfish - yes, I know it sounds selfish - but I think I would be a little let down if I didn't hear from her. I know she has her life and I have mine and we are both (more so her) busy with our lives, and my world "revolves," if you will, around them/Arianna more than their lives revolve around me. I know that. But I would be lying if I said I wouldn't be just a teeny bit disappointed. My birthday doesn't mean much to me anymore, really. I'm working 9 - 5 and then going out to dinner and I already know what my gift is from my parents - a new camera! So in the grand scheme of things, it's definitely not as exciting as it used to be. Which is to be expected! Nothing would make my day more than a simple "happy birthday" from her, though. Even if she didn't send any photos, that's fine! I am blessed beyond belief to have been able to Skype with them for A's birthday, which is so much more important to me than my own. In a way, her birthday was my birthday too - a metaphoric birth from my old life into the one that I knew I needed to start living after her.
Am I selfish for feeling this way? For feeling a little nervous because even though tomorrow should and will be a happy day for me, part of me is worried about the hurt/disappointment that I'll feel if I don't hear from them?
The more I read what I'm writing, the more selfish I feel. I assure anyone who is reading this that it's not because I feel that I deserve recognition or that I am 'owed' an acknowledgement. I guess it would just be nice to know she was thinking of me. Then again, she constantly assures me that she is and that our daughter is lucky to have such an amazing birth family. So with that said, do I really need a 'happy birthday' text from them? I think not!
(This is the most back-and-forth post I think I've ever written. However, I answered my own question and that could very well be a first, too)!
Monday, April 16, 2012
Rather Blah
I don't want to dwell on it, though, I know that much! That picture kills me every time. It makes me smile no matter what!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
The jungle is your head can't rule your heart
I'm home from work today. This is the third day that I haven't been to work this week! I'm going stir crazy. I felt really dizzy on Tuesday morning and felt like my room was spinning when I woke up. I thought it was just me being a little disoriented because it was around 3 a.m., so I rolled over and went back to sleep. When my alarm went off at 7:00, I grabbed my phone and tried to shut the alarm off but I kept seeing triple. I couldn't put my finger on the right part to turn the alarm off - I was aiming beside the phone, not at the phone, apparently. That freaked me out. When I stood up, I immediately felt like I was going to vomit, but didn't (THANK GOD). I hate throwing up. It scared me a lot (a lot, a lot, a wicked lot) because the last time I felt light headed and actually lost my balance and fell over, I was 8 months pregnant. Now, there's no way I could be 8 months pregnant right now, but I still had a flashback and it freaked me out even more), so I stayed home from work and made a doctor's appointment. Turns out I have vertigo. Which is scary in and of itself, because I was never told exactly what causes it, I was just given medication and sent on my way. I have since read and read and listened and listened and medication is said to do absolutely nothing for it. Instead, I'm doing some physical therapy at home that I found online. It's not the best source, but since my doctor wasn't a great deal of help, this will have to do.
I went to work yesterday and lost my balance about 8 times. By 10:30, the computer screen was just a smudge of black and white and I couldn't focus on anything. I called my mom and had her come get me, and we went back for my car later that night. I really shouldn't have driven to work in the first place, but I was feeling better, and heard that it can come and go - so I figured it had "gone." I couldn't even really go on my computer yesterday because I couldn't focus and straining my eyes made my head hurt, so I literally laid in my bed for about four hours, not sleeping. How completely boring.
I felt nauseous this morning and still fairly lightheaded, so I stayed home one more day. I'm really hoping to be able to go tomorrow, and drive myself there and back. I don't want this to debilitate me forever.
I went to work yesterday and lost my balance about 8 times. By 10:30, the computer screen was just a smudge of black and white and I couldn't focus on anything. I called my mom and had her come get me, and we went back for my car later that night. I really shouldn't have driven to work in the first place, but I was feeling better, and heard that it can come and go - so I figured it had "gone." I couldn't even really go on my computer yesterday because I couldn't focus and straining my eyes made my head hurt, so I literally laid in my bed for about four hours, not sleeping. How completely boring.
I felt nauseous this morning and still fairly lightheaded, so I stayed home one more day. I'm really hoping to be able to go tomorrow, and drive myself there and back. I don't want this to debilitate me forever.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Perfect Summer Outfit
This is the outfit we picked out. I know, I'm a dork, but I know one day I may want to look back and see it. I like to have it all in one place!
Love these sunglasses. I would wear them if I could get away with it! (read: if they fit).
Easter & THIRD update!
I have been away for a while again - I've been immersing myself in my scrapbook and not spending too much time on the computer. I hope everyone who celebrated Easter had a good one! It's a tough holiday, not as bad as Christmas, but tough simply because it is centered around children. At least in the commercialized way. I suppose every holiday is like that, though, now that I think about it. Easter is really only hard when I see all of the beautiful dresses in all of the stores and I imagine what it would be like to actually be able to choose one for A and dress her up and take pictures. Oddly enough, one of the hardest aspects of this is thinking about the day-to-day things that I don't get to do. Yeah, it sucks to think about the future and how long the road is ahead of all of us involved (particularly on her birth side), but thinking about the little things kills me. What is she wearing today? Is she wearing a pretty dress? I wish I could pick out her outfits, I wish I could do her hair. There are so many hair bows, headbands, etc., that I would love to buy for her and put in her hair. Isn't that the best part of having a baby doll when you're little...doing her hair? And she has SO much of it. I remember how much I cried when I found out I was having a girl...not because I wanted a boy, actually, it was the opposite. I always said I didn't want children, but somewhere deep down, I could see myself with a little girl. So to find out that I was getting what I've always wanted at the same time that I realized that I couldn't have what I really wanted was really hard. I enjoyed hearing the words, "it's a girl!," but knew I wouldn't get to fully enjoy her myself.
Enough about the sad stuff! Right after I posted the picture of her Easter gifts, I sent an email to her amom double-checking that it was okay to send her something. I woke up in the morning to an email on my phone - but it was not from her (I could have sworn up and down that I filtered all of my spam mail to be automatically deleted, but apparently one sneaked through) and my heart dropped. Not because I expected an immediate reply, but just because that spam mail totally teased me. So, I forced my mind to go elsewhere and got ready for work. When I got to work, I looked at my phone out of habit, and there was an email! I rushed in so I could read it on my computer. It was from her! She said that of course it was absolutely fine if I sent a gift, and that they were heading to a nearby state to celebrate Easter. She also attached some pictures from the Easter egg hunt they went on that past Sunday...I was so happy. Here I was, thinking the world was literally ending (yes, literally) just a couple of weeks before this - and now here I was, looking at two photo updates within a week and a half of each other. It was great. I will post one or two pictures below! Her amom said that once she caught on to what she was supposed to do with the eggs, she loved it and grabbed as many as she could fit into her hands before she dropped any in her basket.
On Sunday, we had a holiday-less holiday in my house. It was low-key and we just stayed in and had dinner together. Earlier in the day, I spoke with her birthdad via text and told him that since they told me that they were going to be away for Easter, I thought I'd wait and mail her package on Monday so it wouldn't be sitting outside for too long. She doesn't know Easter's over anyways ;). I told him that since I had a little more time, there was something else I wanted to get her. I felt like I wanted to send a little more - not too much, but just a little more. He mentioned something about being around, and didn't come right out and ask, but eventually we discussed going shopping together. Now, this is the first time this has really happened. He said he would pay half of her Easter gift last week, but the one and only time I actually asked him to physically go and pick something out for her with me, he told me he "wasn't ready" to do that. It was her first Christmas, when she wasn't even two months old. I understood. It is so hard for me, too...on one hand, I want to burst into tears when I see all of the cute pink baby girl and toddler clothes. But on the other hand, I get to feel "close" to her when I'm doing it. And to see her actually wearing or playing with things I've sent her is an indescribable feeling. Any adoptive moms who read my blog, if you want to know a sure way to your baby's birthmom's heart, send her a picture like that!
Long story short, we went to Old Navy together and he truly shocked me. For one, I thought his idea of 'going with me' would mean going for the drive and staying in the car. He came in with me. Secondly, I thought he would wander around while I went straight for the little girl clothes, but he came with me and was by my side the whole time. I picked out an adorable pair of bright pink capri pants and was looking for a shirt to go with them. I turned around, and couldn't see him, but when he came back, he had the cutest pink shirt with silver butterflies and dark pink flowers on it that said "think happy thoughts!" It doesn't seem like a big deal - and trust me, my guard is and was still up with him, and it in no way negated all of the absolute bullshit he has put me through over the years - but there was something about him standing there with this teeny shirt in his hands, pointing out which color flowers matched the pants I had, that was adorable. There's just something about a grown man shopping for bright pink shirts, pants, and tutus that softens me a teeny bit. We picked out a pair of sparkly heart-shaped sunglasses to go with it, and then we left. We went to the 24-hour post office together (for the first time) and sent it off to her with a card. I was the only one who signed the card, and I didn't offer it up to him because he is still in a bit of a tizzy over the letter he got from them about the card he sent, and I didn't want to get him started. He was in a good mood, I was fine, and we were getting along fine, and I wasn't about to ruin it. I feel like I will need to write a post explaining some things about him in the near future, whenever I get in whatever sort of mood I have to be in to do it. Some people who are reading this are, I'm sure, thinking... "why are you even speaking to him?" (and they have every right to wonder that. Sometimes I wonder that, too. Other times, I don't. Confused would be an understatement).
Anyways, I sent an email to her amom afterwards, in reply to the one she had sent me on Thursday morning and to let her know I had put the package in he mail. I told her that G had helped me pick out the outfit and told her how much it means to me that she allows me to send her gits directly and how much it meant that we could share in that. She wrote back saying that we are too sweet and she can't wait to see the outfit. And, most importantly, she attached a few pictures from Easter! Her Easter dress was so beautiful. I have no words for how grateful I am right now - I have to reference this if/when a couple of months go by with no word from them again. It just plain sucked - the waiting - but I "made it" and can now see that the end result of all of my waiting has been experienced not twice, but three times in the past two weeks. Three photo updates! Unreal.
Now, for a couple pictures...
Enough about the sad stuff! Right after I posted the picture of her Easter gifts, I sent an email to her amom double-checking that it was okay to send her something. I woke up in the morning to an email on my phone - but it was not from her (I could have sworn up and down that I filtered all of my spam mail to be automatically deleted, but apparently one sneaked through) and my heart dropped. Not because I expected an immediate reply, but just because that spam mail totally teased me. So, I forced my mind to go elsewhere and got ready for work. When I got to work, I looked at my phone out of habit, and there was an email! I rushed in so I could read it on my computer. It was from her! She said that of course it was absolutely fine if I sent a gift, and that they were heading to a nearby state to celebrate Easter. She also attached some pictures from the Easter egg hunt they went on that past Sunday...I was so happy. Here I was, thinking the world was literally ending (yes, literally) just a couple of weeks before this - and now here I was, looking at two photo updates within a week and a half of each other. It was great. I will post one or two pictures below! Her amom said that once she caught on to what she was supposed to do with the eggs, she loved it and grabbed as many as she could fit into her hands before she dropped any in her basket.
On Sunday, we had a holiday-less holiday in my house. It was low-key and we just stayed in and had dinner together. Earlier in the day, I spoke with her birthdad via text and told him that since they told me that they were going to be away for Easter, I thought I'd wait and mail her package on Monday so it wouldn't be sitting outside for too long. She doesn't know Easter's over anyways ;). I told him that since I had a little more time, there was something else I wanted to get her. I felt like I wanted to send a little more - not too much, but just a little more. He mentioned something about being around, and didn't come right out and ask, but eventually we discussed going shopping together. Now, this is the first time this has really happened. He said he would pay half of her Easter gift last week, but the one and only time I actually asked him to physically go and pick something out for her with me, he told me he "wasn't ready" to do that. It was her first Christmas, when she wasn't even two months old. I understood. It is so hard for me, too...on one hand, I want to burst into tears when I see all of the cute pink baby girl and toddler clothes. But on the other hand, I get to feel "close" to her when I'm doing it. And to see her actually wearing or playing with things I've sent her is an indescribable feeling. Any adoptive moms who read my blog, if you want to know a sure way to your baby's birthmom's heart, send her a picture like that!
Long story short, we went to Old Navy together and he truly shocked me. For one, I thought his idea of 'going with me' would mean going for the drive and staying in the car. He came in with me. Secondly, I thought he would wander around while I went straight for the little girl clothes, but he came with me and was by my side the whole time. I picked out an adorable pair of bright pink capri pants and was looking for a shirt to go with them. I turned around, and couldn't see him, but when he came back, he had the cutest pink shirt with silver butterflies and dark pink flowers on it that said "think happy thoughts!" It doesn't seem like a big deal - and trust me, my guard is and was still up with him, and it in no way negated all of the absolute bullshit he has put me through over the years - but there was something about him standing there with this teeny shirt in his hands, pointing out which color flowers matched the pants I had, that was adorable. There's just something about a grown man shopping for bright pink shirts, pants, and tutus that softens me a teeny bit. We picked out a pair of sparkly heart-shaped sunglasses to go with it, and then we left. We went to the 24-hour post office together (for the first time) and sent it off to her with a card. I was the only one who signed the card, and I didn't offer it up to him because he is still in a bit of a tizzy over the letter he got from them about the card he sent, and I didn't want to get him started. He was in a good mood, I was fine, and we were getting along fine, and I wasn't about to ruin it. I feel like I will need to write a post explaining some things about him in the near future, whenever I get in whatever sort of mood I have to be in to do it. Some people who are reading this are, I'm sure, thinking... "why are you even speaking to him?" (and they have every right to wonder that. Sometimes I wonder that, too. Other times, I don't. Confused would be an understatement).
Anyways, I sent an email to her amom afterwards, in reply to the one she had sent me on Thursday morning and to let her know I had put the package in he mail. I told her that G had helped me pick out the outfit and told her how much it means to me that she allows me to send her gits directly and how much it meant that we could share in that. She wrote back saying that we are too sweet and she can't wait to see the outfit. And, most importantly, she attached a few pictures from Easter! Her Easter dress was so beautiful. I have no words for how grateful I am right now - I have to reference this if/when a couple of months go by with no word from them again. It just plain sucked - the waiting - but I "made it" and can now see that the end result of all of my waiting has been experienced not twice, but three times in the past two weeks. Three photo updates! Unreal.
Now, for a couple pictures...
At the egg hunt
So excited on Easter morning! She got the tiara in one of her baskets
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