Saturday, August 10, 2013

But Know That You're Here in My Heart, While I'm Out of Your Sight


As always, so much to write about. But today is a day I have been looking forward to for over three months. I'm going to see WICKED tonight!  On the list of people who enjoy musicals, I'm probably last - or very close to the bottom. For whatever reason, though, I have always been drawn to the soundtrack of this show. I've listened to it since high school and now I am finally going to go see it live. I've tried in years past, but I've always researched ticket prices too late and they've been way too expensive. This time, I was sitting at work when I saw a commercial saying that Wicked was coming to the Boston Opera House August 7th - September 15th, and without thinking twice, went online and bought the tickets.

I know I am going to cry! 'For Good' has managed to bring me to tears on more than one occasion in the past few years. I mean, not to mention the fact that their voices are so amazing they give you chills, the lyrics are brilliant. I listen, listen, listen to the words and they bring one person to mind every time: A's birthdad. "I've heard it said, that people come into our lives for a reason; bringing something we must learn and we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them, and we help them in return.... Who can say if I've been changed for the better, but, because I knew you, I have been changed for good."


I'm still navigating my "new" life without my daughter. And she wouldn't be here had it not been for him. There's no doubt that he changed my life forever. And while I will never deny that he did at least do that one good thing for me, I'm not sure yet whether or not I can say he changed my life for the better. My daughter's birth was a wake up call, for sure. A wake up call to love unconditionally, never take anything for granted, and better myself. But until I have learned from the pain I felt from her birthdad, even before A was even thought of, then I can't say that my trust issues and apprehension of almost every man I've met since is a good thing.

Then we have just one line from one of the very first songs in the musical: 'No One Mourns the Wicked.' My sweet baby girl, "but know that you're in my heart, while I'm out of your sight..." Please. Please always know that you are in my heart. Nothing, no person, no amount of time, nothing will ever take you from my heart. You have the biggest corner in there. In fact, you might just be my heart in it's entirety. I could  go on to have 16 more children, and you will hold steady in your spot. I pray that when you are old enough to comprehend...that I will have a spot in yours even when I'm out of your sight too.

I went to get my nails done today in honor of the show (I know, HUGE dork!). I usually will get the Shellac gel, but haven't in a while because a) it's expensive and b) it weakens your nails. So I've been taking a break from it and just painting my nails myself.  There's a nail salon in my town that I have been going to for years. I want to say I have probably been going since 2008 or 2009. They know me pretty well there, and they're all so sweet. I went in for my appointment this morning and the morning kind of unraveled from there. Seated to my right was a very pregnant woman getting a pedicure. I could see her huge belly out of the corner of my eye and was glancing at her every now and then with envy. I could overhear the conversation she was having with the nail lady (who I know has a 6 or 7 year old girl) because they were literally all of three feet away from me. As I'm sitting there, another woman walks in with her daughter who looked to be about four. The little girl was adorable; dressed in a cute little tutu and had a huge bow in her hair. My heart hurt but I couldn't help but smile. When the little girl and her mom walked back outside, the pregnant woman  said "seeing that makes me SO excited to be having a girl. I can't wait to dress her up like that." Ouch. The nail lady just smiled and nodded, and then Pregnant Lady said "what was your favorite age for your little girl?" I tried to daydream about something, anything, to not have to continue hearing this conversation. But no, thanks ears, for always being there for me. The nail lady says "3!" Ouch again. Maybe it hurt to hear because A's 3rd birthday is in a few months, or maybe I was just plain jealous of both of them; the nail lady for being able to witness first-hand the joy, inquisitiveness and major milestones of her three-year-old, or Pregnant Lady for expecting a little girl any day now that she would get to take home from the hospital. Maybe both. I'm aware of how bitter I sound right now. I'm aware that it is neither of their problems and I am, in fact, the one who needs to adjust my emotions. But damn, did that sting.

Then, to pour salt in whatever one of the wounds had opened, this song comes on in the salon:

'Look After You' by The Fray. This has been another song that has always gotten to me, but even more so recently. "If I don't say this now I will surely break, as I'm leaving the one I want to take. Forget the urgency but hurry up and wait, my heart has started to separate" It came out right around the time when A's birthdad and I were becoming more serious. Not that that really has anything to do with it, but it reminds me of that time in my life.

Somehow I tuned that out, only to have this come on next:

"I have died every day waiting for you. Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years. I'll love you for a thousand more."

It was like the universe was testing me to see if I could not cry at 10:00 am in a nail salon. And guess what? I didn't! I remembered that I have something amazing to look forward to tonight, and that's all I needed to help me get through these little tiny tests that I was given this morning. I have to take it one day at a time, and today, I was able to do it.