What Keeps Me Smiling

This is what keeps me smiling throughout the day at work...looking to my left and seeing this little angel.

Writer's Block

I've had serious writers block lately. It's funny, because I've had the most to talk about in the past month or so and I've only posted 2 or 3 times. Maybe I have so much to say that I don't know where to start, I don't know. I do know, though, as soon as I get in the mood to write, I will. I write not only as an outlet to relieve stress or built-up emotions, but also as a way to remember when I start to forget. That's why I wrote down A's birth story - I never want to forget a second of it. I still remember it like it was yesterday, but I know in time that memory will fade a little. I'm happy I have it written down not only for myself, but for her as well.

She is doing so well. She's so tall and looks like a little mini grown-up. Her hair is ever growing and growing and I wish so badly that I could do her hair in pretty bows and headbands and whatnot...

I had my appointment with my OB/GYN to get my Mirena removed today. I don't know if I've talked about that on here or not, but I have gained a considerable amount of weight since last Spring (when I had lost the 'baby weight') and after researching online, I finally put two and two together and realized that I gained all of that weight within a few months of getting the Mirena. I was told it wasn't a common side effect, but should have known that if it would happen, it would happen to me (I don't have good luck with birth control). My doctor told me today that it can be a side effect and that she could surmise from looking at my weight chart that that was probably the culprit. She also told me that it can not only cause a woman to gain weight, but it can also hinder you from losing it. So, I weighed the options and had it removed. She told me that there's a good possibility that I could see the weight just fly off with little to no diet changes or exercise changes. So that lifted my spirits, as you can imagine. And the best news: I've lost 8 pounds since giving up soda on Christmas day. I will have one glass if I go out to dinner (which has only been twice since then) but I won't get a refill, and I've completely stopped drinking mountain dew cold turkey. I had to. I was drinking a disgusting amount a day, and there was always a 2 liter (or 2 or 3) in the house at all times. I haven't touched it since the 25th of December and I feel like I am finally in control of it.

To anyone who has never had a 'comfort food' or 'comfort drink,' this all may seem really silly. But it was a pretty high mountain to climb for me. I drank it because I thought it made me happy...then I would look in the mirror and hate the way I looked, so I would turn to food/soda again to make me get back that 'happy' feeling. It finally hit me one day that whether or not I drink soda, my daughter still has a different mommy. Her birth father still is...her birth father (enough said). Those problems, issues, and relationships don't change because I've temporarily satisfied a little hole somewhere inside me...because nothing ever can or will fill those holes. I just have to learn to live with them, since they will forever be a part of me now. I'd rather have those empty spaces and feel good about myself and be healthy than have those empty spaces and a bottle of soda in my hand...

I'll write about something of substance soon! I'm still waiting on pictures of my little one...fingers crossed that they will come tonight!

A Happy(ish) New Year, Indeed

BIG NEWS....I got a job! Full time, weekdays only, and a considerable pay increase from my per-diem job at the veterinary hospital. Today was only my second day, but I love it so far. It's for the global corporate office of a huge coffee chain that's spread across the world. (You all probably know where I'm talking about, but I don't want to write it out because I don't want Google to link this post to the company).The atmosphere is great and so far everyone I've met has been friendly - and for the most part, they're people my age (something I'm not totally used to at work)!

School starts up again in about a week and a half so I have a positive outlook on that, too. I'm only taking two classes this semester so I'm going to enroll in a night class and an online class (or maybe two online classes instead) because I can't take morning classes with my new work schedule.

So, all is well. Or, all was well, til I went grocery shopping with my dad...and guess what made me cry? These:

I don't know what got into me, but I had a definite loss of control. This is the first type of food that my little girl was able to feed herself and when we Skyped for her birthday, she was clapping her hands and grabbing the bottle of these, waving it around in her teeny hand, putting it back down with such concentration, clapping her hands again, and picking it up again. Over and over. Picking them up out of her mom's hand with her little thumb and pointer finger and eating them with a huge grin on her face.

I just miss her, so much...

Right Around the Corner

So, it's been a few days. I did have a conversation with my daughter's mom that I have a feeling I may want to reflect on soon...but not right now. And that photo, of course, is from this past Christmas day :)

I had to go in town today for an interview at a recruiting agency, which happened to be across the street from the adoption agency A's birthdad and I went through. Like, directly across from it, as in, I had to stare at it during the entire time I was waiting for the woman who was interviewing me. I wondered if I should go in and say hello to the counselor, maybe show her an updated picture or two (since her family and I contact one another directly with full disclosure, nothing goes through the agency), but I didn't know if I would crack. The last time I was in that agency was October 30th, 2010, and I was 9 months pregnant, and G and I were meeting her potential family for the very first time. Last time I set foot in there, he was by my side and I was waddling off the elevator.

Fast forward to my interview being over, and me turning on my tunnel vision and crossing the street and walking through the doors. I went up to the sixth floor, down the hall to the door, and knocked. No one was there. It makes sense, I suppose, if she has no prospective birthparents, she doesn't sit around the office when she can make phone calls from home. I suppose it was a blessing, because I handled being in the building pretty well, but who knows what would have happened if I laid eyes on that tan couch and fake plant which was meant to bring a sense of serenity to those of us who were sitting there in tears. Or if I saw the generic toys in the corner that A's big brother played with during our meeting, while she was still somersaulting in my belly. Who knows?

I left, walked back to the stop that my public transportation came to, and was sort of lost in my own head. Replaying that October over and over in my head. Consequently, I got on the wrong train (right direction, yet still, the wrong train) and freaked out a little. I've lived here my whole life, but never really relied on public transportation and therefore I get confused (as well as freaked out) easily. I got off at a stop that sounded familiar to me, and despite the fact that I studied the map up and down, I couldn't figure out how to switch trains and get back to where I needed to be. So I called my dad, who knows this entire state practically like the back of his hand, since he owns his own business and works wherever work takes him. I was nearly in tears until he asked me where I was, and when I told him (and threw in that I was getting a little scared, because it was a town with a disturbing crime rate), he said, "okay, don't be scared. You're right around the corner from me."

I could have cried right then and there, because of how safe I suddenly felt. He couldn't see me, nor could I see him, but knowing he was only 2 minutes away calmed me down like you wouldn't believe. I felt like a little kid again...you know that feeling when your dad's the one driving and you feel invincible? You know there are millions of car accidents a day, but when dad's driving, you're in a car with an invincible shield on it.

It's exactly what I wanted (and got) for my little girl....a dad who is always right around the corner.

Under Major Construction

As you can all see, my blog is currently a MESS. I am messing with the template and I have an idea in my head, but can't quite execute it correctly. Hence why my entire blog is focused towards the left, and there is writing over the picture of my little girl's eyes.

Please excuse me and my HTML confusion!