Thursday, January 5, 2012

Right Around the Corner

So, it's been a few days. I did have a conversation with my daughter's mom that I have a feeling I may want to reflect on soon...but not right now. And that photo, of course, is from this past Christmas day :)

I had to go in town today for an interview at a recruiting agency, which happened to be across the street from the adoption agency A's birthdad and I went through. Like, directly across from it, as in, I had to stare at it during the entire time I was waiting for the woman who was interviewing me. I wondered if I should go in and say hello to the counselor, maybe show her an updated picture or two (since her family and I contact one another directly with full disclosure, nothing goes through the agency), but I didn't know if I would crack. The last time I was in that agency was October 30th, 2010, and I was 9 months pregnant, and G and I were meeting her potential family for the very first time. Last time I set foot in there, he was by my side and I was waddling off the elevator.

Fast forward to my interview being over, and me turning on my tunnel vision and crossing the street and walking through the doors. I went up to the sixth floor, down the hall to the door, and knocked. No one was there. It makes sense, I suppose, if she has no prospective birthparents, she doesn't sit around the office when she can make phone calls from home. I suppose it was a blessing, because I handled being in the building pretty well, but who knows what would have happened if I laid eyes on that tan couch and fake plant which was meant to bring a sense of serenity to those of us who were sitting there in tears. Or if I saw the generic toys in the corner that A's big brother played with during our meeting, while she was still somersaulting in my belly. Who knows?

I left, walked back to the stop that my public transportation came to, and was sort of lost in my own head. Replaying that October over and over in my head. Consequently, I got on the wrong train (right direction, yet still, the wrong train) and freaked out a little. I've lived here my whole life, but never really relied on public transportation and therefore I get confused (as well as freaked out) easily. I got off at a stop that sounded familiar to me, and despite the fact that I studied the map up and down, I couldn't figure out how to switch trains and get back to where I needed to be. So I called my dad, who knows this entire state practically like the back of his hand, since he owns his own business and works wherever work takes him. I was nearly in tears until he asked me where I was, and when I told him (and threw in that I was getting a little scared, because it was a town with a disturbing crime rate), he said, "okay, don't be scared. You're right around the corner from me."

I could have cried right then and there, because of how safe I suddenly felt. He couldn't see me, nor could I see him, but knowing he was only 2 minutes away calmed me down like you wouldn't believe. I felt like a little kid know that feeling when your dad's the one driving and you feel invincible? You know there are millions of car accidents a day, but when dad's driving, you're in a car with an invincible shield on it.

It's exactly what I wanted (and got) for my little girl....a dad who is always right around the corner.


  1. I have the same thoughts and feelings of the office where we did all 5 cycles of IVF, like post traumatic stress syndrome. YOur daughter is beautiful, my goodness that smile can just melt you, I'm glad you found her the family that you feel safe with her having.

  2. Thank you! It's the same feeling I get when I go into the OB office, too. I hope it goes away in time, for both of us...