Sunday, November 13, 2011

Broken Record

"i signed the papers on wednesday. the 10th. looking back on it, i don't know how i physically pulled myself together enough to do it. her father is signing next tuesday.
thursday, which was the 11th, i saw her for the last time. i changed her diaper, for the last time, and i fed her a bottle for the last time. i'm crying now as i write this, so it probably won't be long. i can barely see. i kissed her on the cheek and told her i loved her and i said "daddy loves you, too" because i know he does love her. deep down i know what kind of person he is and i know he loves her. his actions are immature, but that's a story for another day.

her adoptive parents gave me a card and a necklace with her birthstone. in the card, they explained that she has one too, that is exactly the same, so we will both have one and understand the meaning when she (and the necklaces) meet again.

i miss her so much already. this hurts worse than anything i have ever felt in my entire life. i had so many second thoughts, so many ideas to make it work....but i know they were just my emotions speaking. none of my circumstances had changed, the only thing that changed was i actually MET her and fell even more in love with her. i had no more money than i had when i made the decision, he and i had no better of a relationship, her future was no more guaranteed...... i knew it would be even harder after she was born, but i didn't realize how much harder.

but, if this pain is what i have to feel to give her the best life possible, then i will do it. i will suffer every day for the rest of my life over this if i have to, if it means she will be happy and have an amazing life. it's a small sacrifice if i look at the big picture. if i think of my daughter. i want to take away all of her pain not just now but forever and if this is my first step in doing so, then i am happy with it.

i would like to change it, i would like to have her with me, but i know it can't be - it's not in her best interest. mine is not of concern to me at the moment, because if it were, she would be in my arms as we speak.

i have faith that i will make it, it's just a matter of how long it will take, when it will happen
One year later, it still hasn't really happened. I have taken many steps closer to making it happen, but I'm not there yet. I don't think I'll be completely at peace until I've become someone that she can be proud of...until I've finished my education (and 'finished' might mean obtained a PhD for the field I want to go into) and until I've become all of the things I wasn't when she was born. She was far too good for the "me" that I was last year and she'll be far too good for this "me" whether she's a year old or thirty years old, if I don't get my act together. If that's not motivation, I don't know what is.

last fall . . .

1 comment:

  1. Correction my dear :) She was not "too good" for you a year ago, and is not "too good" for you now. You made a decision based on your resources, and what you wanted for her, how she would be raised, and what you could provide. Your very heart and making that decision means yes you deserve every bit of that sweet girl but you knew you wanted C&C to provide the family and parenting you could not at the time. I have no doubt you will get that PhD and A will be so, so proud of you when she grows up and learns the whole story.