Halloween's over. I can't say I'm as sad about this as I have been years before (and I don't just mean when I was little and went trick or treating), this year it just brought back bittersweet memories. Ones that I am not ready to face yet, even though I live with them every day. 365 days ago at this exact moment (5:58 pm), I had just gotten my epidural and I was trying to get some sleep. Married with Children was on, but it was just static noise...I wasn't paying a bit of attention to it, but preferred it to absolute silence. (For the record, I never watched that show to begin with, but I can promise that I will never watch it again!)
I had fears that I was going to have to have a c-section, as my doctor had come in just a few minute prior and told me that it was becoming more of a viable option at this point. I had been in labor for about 16 hours and they kept doing ultrasounds to make sure she was still head down. She was born twelve hours and 33 minutes later, avoiding a c-section. My little angel.
I still have mixed feelings as her birthday approaches. I feel overwhelmed, but I'm trying not to go to bed with any real intentions; I don't want to force myself to try to feel happy or force myself to feel sad. I just want to be. That's why I told my teacher I wasn't going to be in class, and told a woman I work with that, sorry, I couldn't cover for her on Wednesday. I need to use this day to focus on myself and look forward to my phone call to my baby girl.
I keep telling myself that I'll be okay (and I know I will be). I'm without her and I miss her, but I love her with all my heart, and that will get me through. My little girl saved me from myself, she saved my life, so the least I could do was try and save hers.