Friday, November 18, 2011

One Year Reflections

Around a year ago or so, I wrote down a list of everything that was on my mind in regards to little A. I never published it to my blog but rather emailed it to myself, so I could look back on it later. Honestly, I had forgotten about it until this morning, when I was cleaning out my inbox and I came across something from "me" mixed in with all the other emails. I opened it, and thus, the discovery of the list. I'll post it here, without editing it or removing anything. Keep in mind, I wrote this about a week or so after I had officially signed, so there's a lot of gut-reaction feelings in it (I hope that's what they are). I sort of did a side-by-side comparison...what I wrote last year is in purple, and how I feel about it now is in bold type...

I hate seeing women with babies in their carriages in the supermarket. Agree.
I hate seeing pregnant women. Agree.
I am jealous of any friends or friends of friends who have babies or are pregnant. Agree, but I'm coming to terms with realizing that I can't blame anyone else for my situation or be jealous of anyone else's happiness.
I am jealous of everyone on Facebook who has an ultrasound as their profile picture. Sort of agree.
I am angry. Agree
I want my little girl back. Disagree. She is where she belongs and is SO happy.
Sometimes I wish I hadn't signed the papers. Disagree.
I wish I had never been with her father. Disagree.
I wish I had never met her father. Disagree. I wish I hadn't said this, it's like saying I wish she had never been born. Nothing could be further from the truth.
I wish everyone around me would hold off from getting pregnant for about 5 to 10 years. Wow. This one was a little immature (okay, a lot).
I have serious trust issues now. Agree.
I have so many regrets that I don't even know what's what anymore. Disagree.
I wish it was the beginning of Fall again, so I could feel her kicking around inside of me. Agree!
I wish I could hold her. Agree.
I wish I could kiss her. Agree.
I wish I could call her mine. Hmm...agree and disagree. She still is mine, and always will be, just like she will always be C's, too.
I wish she had G's last name...I wish we were a real family. Sometimes, I like to wish this had been the way it turned a fairy tale. But it didn't, and every time I see him, it solidifies the fact that she deserved so much better than his last name. His last name didn't come with a daddy attached.
I wish he hadn't been so selfish. Agree.
I wish I hadn't been so selfish. Agree.
I hope my daughter never thinks I didn't want her. AGREE
I wish I could either go back in time or fast forward time. Sometimes.
I wish I was 18 again, so I could go back to the day I met him and walk away. Nope.
I wish I hadn't ignored all of the signs that he was lying and that he was no good for me. Yes and no. I wish I hadn't been hurt but I'm glad I learned a lesson. Let me get back to this one next year.
I wish I had never had to make this decision. Disagree. To take myself out of the position of having to choose between adoption and parenting would mean my little girl was never a part of this world. So, no.

I've come a long way in a year...longer than I thought I had (judging by my spontaneous thoughts this year and last). Maybe I'll sit down later on and do the same thing again - just type whatever comes to my mind when I think about A, G, our relationship, and her family.

I'd recommend doing this to anyone who is struggling or having a tough time with anything in their lives right now. Sometimes written 'proof' of your honest, raw feelings can be a good thing to reflect on 6 months or a year down the road. It could make you feel just a little bit better when you come across it in the future.

1 comment:

  1. You have grown a lot through the year and that's something to be proud of.