Monday, October 31, 2011

Trick or Treat . . . Laugh or Cry?

Halloween - we meet again. I feel like I have so much to say, but the words are all jumbled up in my brain and they're trying to fit out of a space that's so small that they're wedging one another in. I'll try, though! Today has been a rough day, just for the simple fact that I am nostalgic by nature and every time I've looked at the clock today I've thought about what I was doing at this time last year. I went to the hospital around 4 a.m. on Halloween morning, only to come back home at 7 and pace the house for the rest of the day, with a heating pad on my back, trying to coax my little one into entering the world. I finally went back to the hospital around 8 or 9...there were a few straggler trick-or-treaters left but for the most part, they were all home already. I remember going up to the maternity ward and my hand was shaking as I signed the sign-in papers. I was terrified about the entire childbirth process and the physical pain, but the emotional pain that I knew was just around the corner disturbed me to the core. They brought me down the hall in a wheelchair (which I hated and thought was unnecessary, by the way) and as we went down the hall, I heard nothing but silence and then all of a sudden, a baby started crying loudly. A just-born baby. I don't know why, because of course it wasn't my daughter or anything, but I'll never forget that sound. Finally, they settled me in Room #6, and the rest is history. (Well, not history, but the rest is written out in detail in whichever post it is that I wrote out her whole birth story).

I can't believe that was a year ago.
It's so fresh in my mind, and I hope it always will be...I just hope the memory stings a little less with each passing year. Tonight will be my little one's first official Halloween (even though she was with me last Halloween!) and she's going to be dressed up as a lady bug! I can't wait to see pictures! My next update should be an amazing one, because it will have her Halloween and Birthday party pictures in it. And let me say once again - I get to hear her sweet little voice in two days! I don't care if she even babbles anything remotely coherent, I just know any sound she makes will be like music to my ears.

I'm struggling a little right now. I'm fighting really hard to not break the promise I made to myself that I wouldn't be let down if her bio dad didn't contact me regarding gifts. (Don't get me wrong, it's not that I was looking forward to talking to him or anything. It's my daughter I feel for). I suppose it's none of my business whether he gets her a gift or not. Maybe he took my (rather harsh, at the time) advice and decided to send it through the agency. Who knows? (Well, I will, when and if C tells me to tell him thank you for the gift - which I know she won't, because I have a hunch there is no gift to say 'thank you' for). At the same time, though, he made it my business by bringing it up in the first place a month and a half ago. I didn't ask or put him on the spot, he volunteered his idea. He also made it my business when he said he may want to sign her card that I had for her. For all he knows, I'm still sitting around waiting to hear his decision before I go to the post office. What he doesn't know, though, and won't know, is that I already sent the package off in the mail on Thursday. The old me would have waited for him until the last possible minute; but I'm learning and accepting that he will never, ever step up and I can never count on him for anything (should I ever need to), so if I want to do something for our daughter, I need to do it on my own. Truthfully, I am fine and happier doing it on my own, anyways. I got her a gift and I wrote out her card with love, and that's all that matters. I cannot and do not control him and I do not have to deal with the consequences of his (lack of) actions. This is his daughter's first birthday! We have an opportunity to still have a connection with her and he chooses to ignore it. He's proven himself to be more of a loser than I had even thought. Whatever.

A few of my friends came over last night and we had pizza and cupcakes. It was a mix of a Halloween party and an 'in honor of her first birthday' party. I wish more people could have come, but all in all, it was a nice time. Quiet and relaxing, but most of all, it took my mind off things for a while. And when my mind wandered, my friends were there laughing to distract me yet again. I got Halloween colored balloons and pink balloons, along with a Mylar pumpkin balloon and a Mylar '1st Birthday' balloon. They looked so pretty. This morning, I set them off into the air (I was by myself, but I actually preferred it that way) and it was actually surprisingly cathartic to watch them float away until they were just teeny dots in the sky, and then eventually disappeared completely from sight. I told her that I hope she has an amazing birthday (even though it's not until Wednesday) and that I love her. It was really emotional, considering I was alone in my backyard just watching them and talking to myself, essentially. I didn't expect to really feel anything over it (good or bad), but I did. They didn't float away as 'perfectly' as I would have liked - they sort of tangled together and floated away in bunches rather than single balloons, but oh well. It's the experience that counts, right? (:

Now, onto a few pictures from last night and this morning:

   "Halloween Funfetti" cupcakes in the making (:

And lastly, Halloween pj's I sent to my princess!



  1. Happy Halloween, and if you need anything, hit me up, I remember the 1st birthday, and how hard it was on me. <3

  2. Looooooove the pj's and the cupcakes look ah-mazing!!

  3. Happy Adoption Awareness Month! As a fellow adoption advocate we thought you would enjoy taking part in Open Portrait, a blog that is painting a portrait of open adoption through photos, videos, and quotes. We would love you to participate and help spread the word!