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Tuesday, October 18, 2011

My 5 Best Decisions

Today was a better day. Not to say I'm over it by any means, and I'm still shaken up a little at the memory of how I felt last night, but I'm moving forward.

I was blog-surfing and came across this post by perhaps one of the most amazing 'blog moms,' Cecily. I want to be like her someday ;) Anyways, I totally loved the idea of thinking about and writing out my five best decisions, and in light of my irritable, bad state I've been in, I thought this would be a good way to think positively.
So, without further adieu, My 5 Best Decisions:

5.
Going to Fontbonne for high school. Granted, it was more my father and mother's decision than mine (I was given a choice between the 3 private Catholic high schools in the surrounding area and I finally landed on this one) and while I was there, I all but despised it. Actually, it was only sophomore year that I despised it, but I had things going on with myself at the time, which may have overshadowed my experience. And while I didn't want to go on to a traditional 4-year-college, this school still prepared me for that and more. It was rigid and tough at times, and more like a college than a high school in a lot of ways. The friends I made there my freshman year are still among my closest friends today.

4.
Never picking up smoking or drinking. Not only am I happy about this for a huge reason - the fact that I was far along when I found out I was pregnant and all of the doctors said she would still be fine, even with little to no prenatal care, just because I hadn't been a drinker - but also for a lot of small reasons. Part of me is sad that I never had the 'college experience' of leaving the dorm on weekends and getting so drunk I barely remembered my name, but part of me is glad I wasn't involved. I've been getting migraines since age three, and I never drank because I didn't need a reason to give myself a headache the next day! And don't get me started on smoking. I know everyone has their habits, their 'thing,' but that is one thing I have a hard time accepting. I've seen what it does not only to the smoker but to those around them and it would definitely be a deal breaker for me, in the dating world, if he was a smoker.

3. Leaving my job at the veterinary hospital. I didn't even realize how stressed out I was because of that one particular woman, until I got out of there. As if crying when I left work and throwing up on my way to work wasn't an indicator enough...I started sleeping better, and stopped constantly clenching my jaw all night. My money supply is running low, because I only work at the other vet hospital twice a month, but I'm managing. Luckily I own my car (thanks to my parents), so I don't have a payment anymore, which helps a lot. It was nice to have 'extra' money for a few months while I worked there, and it was nice to just buy things (especially for Arianna...gifts, etc) without thinking twice, but the money was not worth the stress.


2.
G. He was one of my best decisions in two different aspects: (So can I do a 2a. and a 2b.? hahaha) but really, meeting him, spending time with him, falling in love with him - that was one of the best decisions I've made. My relationship with him was a lesson I needed to learn, and I learned it the hardest way possible, but I see it as one of my best decisions because it has changed me for the better. I now know to go with my gut feeling, I now know to never let a man put me second or make me less of a priority to him than he is to me. I know to never make myself 100% available for each and everything a man wants, because in the end, it does not make him love you more, it makes him see you as essentially living and breathing for him, and over time, he will take advantage of this. And need I say the most obvious reason he was a good decision in my book? He gave me my little girl.
Now the other side of this coin is this - my other best decision was telling him he could not be part of my life going forward, once our daughter was born. That, too, was one of the hardest decisions I've made, and now..almost a year later..I can say with honesty that it was one of my best decisions. I still have days that I miss him so bad it hurts, but I snap out of those thoughts as quickly as I enter them. I must say, our break up might have been harder if I hadn't been thinking about and missing my daughter as much as I was (and have been). I always thought my world would end when he was no longer a part of it, but it's been like a double-edged sword, and I've had something else to preoccupy me with the realization that it's really real this time - he is gone out of my life.

1. My princess. I would love to say that the best decision I made was to choose life over abortion, but I can't. I didn't know about her until she was past 3 months, but I know that wouldn't have been the choice I'd have made anyway. (Easy for me to say now, right?) but it's true. I used to say that I didn't know what I'd do if I was faced with an unplanned pregnancy, but somewhere in the back of my mind and heart, I knew I could never go through with a procedure like that. And if I were to become pregnant again unintentionally, I still would not do it. I've seen the chest of someone I created rising and falling with each breath she took. I could never take that away from anyone. My best decision regarding her was placing her with her family. It may have been the worst decision for me, but it was the best decision for her, so that takes away some of the hurt on my end. I was blessed to feel the amount of love you feel for your child, even if I was only blessed with it physically for a few days, and I continue to be blessed by the fact that I still love her ten hundred times more than I love myself. I am thankful that I have someone to live for. No matter what, she was my princess before she was even conceived and she was my princess long before I even found out about her, and my princess she will be for always. My number one best decision can only be described in this photo, because a photo says more words than I could ever hope to.



I can only think of one word to describe this picture: Happiness.

3 comments:

  1. What a great idea. Glad you are feeling better, what a wonderful family photo. I always thought I would end up at a large animal vet office, had enough experiance with my own animals, but so happy to be at home with my kids, thats the job I really wanted.

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