Saturday, October 22, 2011

A gift and a curse

Sometimes I am far too nostalgic. I barely remember when my homework is due, but I could tell you what the weather was like on the first night my daughter's biodad and I hung out. This October loomed in front of me like a black fog for all of September, so I managed to not only let my memory ruin one month, but two.

October 22, 2010...he and I went to the agency to talk over some things with our counselor and then he took me to see Paranormal Activity 2. I'd probably have forgotten that, had the 3rd one not come out yesterday. I want to see it (I'm obviously into cheesy horror movies) but I don't have the heart to actually go sit there and see it. This is what I mean when I say my memory is a both a gift and a curse. I let it consume me, I can't even go see the movie I want to see because I'm afraid that I'm going to get overwhelmed by the fact that I saw the first two with him and one of those was one of the last times we were together as THREE. Everyone would be screaming and I'd probably be crying. Maybe this is something I should make a written note of and talk about with my therapist. (I just re-read this paragraph and realized how insane it sounded, but oh well...I'm a bit insane at present, anyways). I think that's normal, to an extent - after a breakup or loss of any sort, who wants to go spend time someplace alone that they used to spend as a couple? I think, though, that I take it to an extreme.

In other news, I went to Target the other day to get a Halloween card for my princess. I went up and down the card aisles, looking for a Halloween card for a baby and most of them were for toddlers and young kids. I was hell-bent on finding one that was for a baby's 1st Halloween when bam:

Perfection! I was thinking of sending her birthday gifts and card and Halloween card all at once, in the same package, to avoid bombarding her parents with 2 separate things in the mail from me, but I think I'll hold off. I'll send the Halloween card within the next few days and her birthday gifts in a week or so. I have a few more final touches I need to get together for her big day.
And while I'm on the subject, I told her biodad that he has until a couple days before Halloween to give me whatever it is he wants to get her for her birthday. To be honest, I am waiting for his call, but I've already promised (maybe even publicly, on here) that I'm not calling him and not getting upset when and if he doesn't call. I never gave him an exact date, but I said the end of October and definitely before Halloween. He's a big boy, I think he can figure it out.

I was due to have my little angel next Friday, October 28. I'm so happy she decided to spend 5 more days snuggled up safe and sound inside my belly. I miss her so much, I miss her more than I'd miss oxygen if I were drowning, I swear. Fall will always remind me of her. (As if I need reminding)

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