Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Ups and Downs, Ups and Downs

My week thus far as been like a roller coaster ride. Actually, I got on the ride last Friday afternoon and here it is, Wednesday, and I'm still struggling to get my feet on the ground again. Friday, a little comment made by my mother was retorted (by me) with another little comment, which snowballed into the fight of the century. The fight was about the adoption in it's entirety (what else?), and I tried to explain that, while I know that I made the right choice and honestly do not regret it (I have my really hard days, but deep down I don't regret it), and knew in my heart that adoption was the right choice for her, I wish it had been more my own choice. I wish I hadn't felt cornered. It's not so much the fact that the end result would have been different (because it wouldn't have) but it's the principle. I never realized how frustrated it made me until I went back to therapy and my doctor kept asking 'where your parents supportive?' I would say yes (my mom was with me for all 2 days of my labor...that's supportive) and when she'd ask what they said about parenting vs. placing and I told her 'they said I couldn't live in their house if I were to bring her home with me,' I got the same look of shock and response of 'that's not supporting you' from her as I did from my first therapist last December. Now, let me say this again: had my parents said that I could live with them and they would help me with her financially and all of that jazz, I still would have chosen adoption for her. Her biological father still would have been the same. My lack of a degree still would have been the same, I just would have had a safe roof over my head and no rent to worry about. I could see my parents point of view, I really could. Why should they, approaching their fifties, have to basically 'raise' another child for the next year or more until I got on my feet? They shouldn't. But the point was their lack of, I don't know, understanding? I resent the fact that they told me that keeping her would be the 'biggest mistake I could ever make,' and 'getting pregnant was wrong, and keeping her will be wrong. you don't right a wrong with another wrong' and that if I were to decide to parent that I would have to do it somewhere else. Anywhere else, they didn't care where, just not under their roof. They knew I had nowhere to go. They knew that better than anyone else, yet still they said that; thus ultimately giving me no choice. I knew what the right choice was, but the point is that I wish I had felt that I had the freedom to make that choice on my own. I wish I hadn't felt like I had to make that choice. Does that even make sense? I'm not sure, but I guess I don't know any other way to explain it.
So, this began the biggest fight ever. My dad got involved and said some really harsh things, but later realized the way he worded what he said, and apologized and gave me a hug. I admit, I was still pissed that it had even come out of his mouth in the first place, but at least he apologized. Since then, we've been okay. A little tense, but isn't it always?
On Monday my therapist and I spoke about what I plan to do on my daughter's birthday, and honestly, I'm not sure. I told her that I sent an email to her mom on October 4 and hadn't heard back yet (I asked if I could call our little one on her birthday to say happy birthday in a more personal way than email) and God bless my therapist, because she pushed me to actually be a little more aggressive about the matter, because it's time-sensitive. I'm used to her mom writing back after a few days or even a week, I know she gets busy. It's always been that way from day one, so I don't usually worry or question it. But this had been about three weeks, so I was getting a little nervous. I worked myself into a frenzy, and told my doctor this, and she said "listen. They gave you their phone numbers, right? You told me they gave you their home and cell numbers. So, I want you to call her. It's not being pushy. It's been three weeks and this is something very special and important to you, so please call her. You can call me right after and tell me how it went," and that was the push I needed. I don't ever want to be annoying or overbearing, but like my therapist said, she could have read the email and just assumed that I was going to call, because no answer can usually mean yes (I'm not so sure I agree with that) or she got busy and totally forgot about it. I, for one, know I wouldn't want to let that opportunity go by because I was scared to ask a question, and push onward a bit more to get an answer.
Long story short(er), I was a little too nervous to just call out of the blue, so I sent her a text. She wrote back within less than an hour and told me she was in China on business right now but that it is absolutely fine with her if I would like to call, and she will email me the night she gets back (Thursday night) with a good time, so I can call while Arianna is awake and I can hear her on the phone (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). My heart was about to beat out of my chest when I pressed send, but now I am SO happy that I sent it. And, in case you didn't notice, she is in China, hence why I never got a response to my first email. She's busy, not closing the door on our adoption forever (yes, my mind did go there one night around 2 in the morning).
I was so giddy all day over this. I can't wait. While I would love to actually see her on her birthday, a phone call and pictures is as close as I can get right now and I will take it for what it is and cherish it forever. I am so beyond happy about this.
I just finished writing in her birthday card, which was my mountain to climb today. I knew it would be hard, but it was easier than I thought. I just wrote what I felt. I didn't go too overboard (that's what her birthday letter is for), but I also didn't make it impersonal. I won't disrespect her privacy by writing it all out on here, but in part of it, I told her that she was a very special little girl to so many people, and that she should act like the princess that she is not only today, on her birthday, but everyday. I know she won't read/understand that til years from now, but I think it's sort of like closure for me rather than her right now. Gahhh, I'm just not ready for this. I didn't want to be picking out her birthday card with tears in the corners of my eyes or buying boxes to mail her gifts to her. I want to be buying the cake and decorations for her party and seeing, firsthand, how elated she is when she tears the paper off of the gift I got for her. But I suppose this is my cross to bear now, and I'm okay with that. As long as she is somewhere in the world with that elated smile on her face, tearing wrapping paper open with love surrounding her...I will be okay.