One Year Ago

What was I doing one year ago today? I was hearing the heartbeat of an angel and being terrified, while at the same time, falling in love with someone who actually deserved it. I was in the backseat of my daughter's father's car, as he drove us to my 9 a.m. ultrasound appointment. I was walking around in the Blue Hills with him, talking about our unborn child and our future, together and apart. I was spending the rest of the afternoon and night with him, still talking...talking...talking, all the while feeling my little girl bouncing around inside my belly. I was suddenly aware, and acutely aware. A decision had to be made, and one year ago today, that decision was still in my hands. I don't doubt my decision and wouldn't change it, but it brings tears to my eyes to know that just one short year ago, I still had the power to, had I wanted to. I still was innocent to the pain I would feel. I knew, but I didn't truly know. Today, one year later, I am sad over the simple fact that I lost so much of my naivety. I thought then that it was the hardest that it would be, I thought that teetering between the decision to parent or to place for adoption was the hardest spot to be in. Now, as her birthday approaches, I'm realizing that it can and will get harder. Or maybe, not necessarily harder, just never-ending. It's a once in a lifetime feeling, but not a one-time feeling.