I wonder sometimes if what I'm feeling is normal. She is almost 1, shouldn't I feel at least a little bit letter by now? Better, not worse? I never cry. I've said that before. I hold it all in, bottle it all up, then get in my bed and toss and turn for hours and distract myself while I try to fall asleep. It's hitting me, hard. I knew this time of year would be hard. It's past midnight right now, so it's the 18th. The day I really got to see her face on the ultrasound. Since I was so far along when we found out about her, I rarely got a good view of her little face...it was always just her profile or a foot or hand here or there. This one, though, showed her beautiful face just the way it looked when she was born.
It just hit me all over again, just now. I was lying here and it came creeping up and I tried to think of something, anything, to distract me, to no avail. Thoughts of the way her hair smelled, the way her skin felt, the little suckling noises she made all night when she stayed in my room with me...they came swarming at me until I just gave in and cried. I cried until I felt like I was being torn apart from the inside out and then I cried some more. I don't know how I didn't wake anyone else in the house up. I cried until I threw up, then I opened my laptop and saw her toothy grin on as my background and cried all over again.
I didn't expect this to be easy - no one ever even suggested that it would be. I remember going for my 6 week check-up and when my doctor asked me how I was and how my daughter was and how I felt about her family, I burst into tears. She told me it was "perfectly normal" to still be teary about the whole situation, but that I was being strong. Well, is it still normal now? To relive it over and over until my body is heaving with tears? Is this what I get for repressing it for all this time, acting like I'm fine when I'm not?
Contrary to what the surface of my blog would tell you, I don't like to whine. I don't like when people feel sorry for me and I've never been one to sigh loudly and wait for someone to ask "what's wrong?" I don't like the attention, and when I'm sad, caring words and hugs only make me cry even more - plain and simple. Not that I'm not grateful for it, but I become totally introverted when I'm upset. I want to be alone and work it out myself. That's why I write, and the problem is that I'm not working it out. I live for updates from her parents and I live for that beautiful little girl's giant smile and when I see it (and only then), I am truly happy. I just miss her so much. I grieve not only her and her infancy but as she approaches a year old, I am grieving a whole new set of things that are now lost forever to me. I've already missed her first tooth, first steps, first word. I fear that it only gets harder from here. How do you grieve the loss of something you never had?
It seems that all of the professionals tell you the same thing: just cry. Let it out, and just cry.