Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Figured it Out
I think I just cracked the case. Finally. Sitting here at my desk at work, I just figured out what has been wrong with me lately. I struggled so much with the fact that other single women my age raise their children JUST FINE...so very much that I had to justify to myself why I couldn't raise her. I told myself, over and over, that she wouldn't have had an amazing life with me. I wouldn't be able to provide for her the way I would want to. I wouldn't be able to give her everything she deserves - and that includes a stable, two-parent home. I had to basically brand this onto the inner side of my forehead in order to be able to get up in the morning. Whenever I got any confidence about the matter, any inkling that I could have raised her, or I could have made it work this way or that, I would start to regret my decision. I can't handle that pain. Right now I'm just numb. I shouldn't still be numb. In order to "dumb myself down" enough to believe that I did do the right thing for her and she will hurt so much less without me, I've wiped away any bit of self-confidence I had in every other aspect of my life, too. None of my clothes look good on me. My hair never looks right. My makeup never flatters me. I know I am an intelligent person, I know I could have been a great mom to her. I convinced myself I must not be worthy of being a mom. She would never have gone without her necessities or love. I KNOW she deserves better than just the "necessities." I also KNOW it's not just about material things, it's about security, and family. But I have security, and I have family. Not a picture-perfect family to raise a child in, no, and she would have had an in-and-out dad, but my parents wouldn't have left us homeless. Whenever I realize this, I just start to get angry - at everything. If it's not about money, or material items...why was I not "qualified?" Why was I not "good enough?" I love that little girl more than anything or anyone in the world. Why did I think I wouldn't be able to give her enough of it? Why did I think she would go without? I wanted her to have better - and there certainly is "better" than me out there. But I can't figure out how to balance it. I can't figure out how to stop hating myself for the decision I made. I feel like I either hate the decision I made because I feel that I must have been good enough, or I hate myself because I've convinced myself that I'm the lowest of the low and I was no good for her. It's the hardest thing in the world to realize that you weren't good enough for your own and only child.
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I have felt like this NUMEROUS times. My counselor always suggests to look back and remember why you placed. Did you write these reasons down? Why did you choose the couple you chose. I know you are probably an amazing woman. And seeing single moms is hard :/ try and remember the reasons you placed. I hope this helps.
ReplyDeleteHere is what I know from reading your blog.
ReplyDelete1. You seem to be a good, kind person with a huge heart.
2. You love deeply and believe in forgiveness.
3. You are a hard worker who is working towards independence.
Those things that I just listed are really important qualities. Those things alone tell me that you have a lot to teach A, a lot for her to be proud of and strive to be.
But, here's the other thing.
4. You placed your baby for adoption and you are not yet at peace with that decision.
I cannot put myself in your shoes. However, if I look at things from A's perspective (in the future), you're someone who she is going to want to seek out, to look to for answers. So, what can you do today and every single day to become that confident woman that she needs in her life. I know adult adoptees who say things like, "My birthmom is amazing." So, what can you do to feel like the amazing woman that you are, so that it shines through and maybe helps you come to peace? She'll need to be proud of you and of her adoption story and you are going to play a key part in how she feels about it all. You deserve that forgiveness that you show to other people. You deserve that light inside you to shine bright for everyone, especially your little girl, to see. When your relationship grows in the future, you'll want to be a woman in her life who shows her what a strong, confident woman she can be. I wonder if you can first do it for her, not for yourself, that you could maybe feel whole again. Ideally, you'd want t do it for yourself, but sometimes we need external motivation. You write with a broken heart and I hope that find a way to work towards mending it.
Thinking of you.
One more thing. I follow a blog that I find to be really inspirational. I just read this post this morning and immediately thought of you. You need to read this.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.marcandangel.com/2012/05/23/14-rules-for-being-you/
I love Ms Pollywog's answer. Elizabeth, you know me, my decision, etc. You did something different than me. Which you are a WONDERFUL person for. A is going to grow up and LOVE everything about you! She will know that would you did for her was out of being selfless. Lots of people are not strong like you! You have my number if you want to chat girly! XO
ReplyDelete((((hugs)))) I think a lot of bmoms will understand exactly how you feel.
ReplyDelete"I struggled so much with the fact that other single women my age raise their children JUST FINE"
Quite often the only difference between some of those that raise their children and some of those that relinquish them is that many of those single women who are raising their children "just fine" received as their first line of counselling, counselling that helped them to overcome any obstacles that might prevent them from being able to parent effectively; whereas those that relinquished their children received as their first line of counsellling, counselling that was focused on trying to overcome any resistance a woman might have to adoption ( this latter counselling often includes constantly negating the parenting option and making the emom feel selfish and immature for even considering it).
The best you can do now is to be the best bmom for your daughter you can be. You sound like a really lovely lady and hopefully she will always realise how much you love her :)
In regards to counselling, if you are receiving counselling through the agency, it might be worth finding an independent counsellor that will let you talk about your feelings openly and without judgment and to help you face the future.