Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Easter & THIRD update!

I have been away for a while again - I've been immersing myself in my scrapbook and not spending too much time on the computer. I hope everyone who celebrated Easter had a good one! It's a tough holiday, not as bad as Christmas, but tough simply because it is centered around children. At least in the commercialized way. I suppose every holiday is like that, though, now that I think about it. Easter is really only hard when I see all of the beautiful dresses in all of the stores and I imagine what it would be like to actually be able to choose one for A and dress her up and take pictures. Oddly enough, one of the hardest aspects of this is thinking about the day-to-day things that I don't get to do. Yeah, it sucks to think about the future and how long the road is ahead of all of us involved (particularly on her birth side), but thinking about the little things kills me. What is she wearing today? Is she wearing a pretty dress? I wish I could pick out her outfits, I wish I could do her hair. There are so many hair bows, headbands, etc., that I would love to buy for her and put in her hair. Isn't that the best part of having a baby doll when you're little...doing her hair? And she has SO much of it. I remember how much I cried when I found out I was having a girl...not because I wanted a boy, actually, it was the opposite. I always said I didn't want children, but somewhere deep down, I could see myself with a little girl. So to find out that I was getting what I've always wanted at the same time that I realized that I couldn't have what I really wanted was really hard. I enjoyed hearing the words, "it's a girl!," but knew I wouldn't get to fully enjoy her myself.
Enough about the sad stuff! Right after I posted the picture of her Easter gifts, I sent an email to her amom double-checking that it was okay to send her something. I woke up in the morning to an email on my phone - but it was not from her (I could have sworn up and down that I filtered all of my spam mail to be automatically deleted, but apparently one sneaked through) and my heart dropped. Not because I expected an immediate reply, but just because that spam mail totally teased me. So, I forced my mind to go elsewhere and got ready for work. When I got to work, I looked at my phone out of habit, and there was an email! I rushed in so I could read it on my computer. It was from her! She said that of course it was absolutely fine if I sent a gift, and that they were heading to a nearby state to celebrate Easter. She also attached some pictures from the Easter egg hunt they went on that past Sunday...I was so happy. Here I was, thinking the world was literally ending (yes, literally) just a couple of weeks before this - and now here I was, looking at two photo updates within a week and a half of each other. It was great. I will post one or two pictures below! Her amom said that once she caught on to what she was supposed to do with the eggs, she loved it and grabbed as many as she could fit into her hands before she dropped any in her basket.
On Sunday, we had a holiday-less holiday in my house. It was low-key and we just stayed in and had dinner together. Earlier in the day, I spoke with her birthdad via text and told him that since they told me that they were going to be away for Easter, I thought I'd wait and mail her package on Monday so it wouldn't be sitting outside for too long. She doesn't know Easter's over anyways ;). I told him that since I had a little more time, there was something else I wanted to get her. I felt like I wanted to send a little more - not too much, but just a little more. He mentioned something about being around, and didn't come right out and ask, but eventually we discussed going shopping together. Now, this is the first time this has really happened. He said he would pay half of her Easter gift last week, but the one and only time I actually asked him to physically go and pick something out for her with me, he told me he "wasn't ready" to do that. It was her first Christmas, when she wasn't even two months old. I understood. It is so hard for me, too...on one hand, I want to burst into tears when I see all of the cute pink baby girl and toddler clothes. But on the other hand, I get to feel "close" to her when I'm doing it. And to see her actually wearing or playing with things I've sent her is an indescribable feeling. Any adoptive moms who read my blog, if you want to know a sure way to your baby's birthmom's heart, send her a picture like that!
Long story short, we went to Old Navy together and he truly shocked me. For one, I thought his idea of 'going with me' would mean going for the drive and staying in the car. He came in with me. Secondly, I thought he would wander around while I went straight for the little girl clothes, but he came with me and was by my side the whole time. I picked out an adorable pair of bright pink capri pants and was looking for a shirt to go with them. I turned around, and couldn't see him, but when he came back, he had the cutest pink shirt with silver butterflies and dark pink flowers on it that said "think happy thoughts!" It doesn't seem like a big deal - and trust me, my guard is and was still up with him, and it in no way negated all of the absolute bullshit he has put me through over the years - but there was something about him standing there with this teeny shirt in his hands, pointing out which color flowers matched the pants I had, that was adorable. There's just something about a grown man shopping for bright pink shirts, pants, and tutus that softens me a teeny bit. We picked out a pair of sparkly heart-shaped sunglasses to go with it, and then we left. We went to the 24-hour post office together (for the first time) and sent it off to her with a card. I was the only one who signed the card, and I didn't offer it up to him because he is still in a bit of a tizzy over the letter he got from them about the card he sent, and I didn't want to get him started. He was in a good mood, I was fine, and we were getting along fine, and I wasn't about to ruin it. I feel like I will need to write a post explaining some things about him in the near future, whenever I get in whatever sort of mood I have to be in to do it. Some people who are reading this are, I'm sure, thinking... "why are you even speaking to him?" (and they have every right to wonder that. Sometimes I wonder that, too. Other times, I don't. Confused would be an understatement).
Anyways, I sent an email to her amom afterwards, in reply to the one she had sent me on Thursday morning and to let her know I had put the package in he mail. I told her that G had helped me pick out the outfit and told her how much it means to me that she allows me to send her gits directly and how much it meant that we could share in that. She wrote back saying that we are too sweet and she can't wait to see the outfit. And, most importantly, she attached a few pictures from Easter! Her Easter dress was so beautiful. I have no words for how grateful I am right now - I have to reference this if/when a couple of months go by with no word from them again. It just plain sucked - the waiting - but I "made it" and can now see that the end result of all of my waiting has been experienced not twice, but three times in the past two weeks. Three photo updates! Unreal.
Now, for a couple pictures...

 At the egg hunt
So excited on Easter morning! She got the tiara in one of her baskets


  1. That last picture is darling. She is a princess, through and through! I love it! I am glad we are friends on FB, cause I think I like to keep up with your every day life. You are very inspiring! I think of you often. Smile pretty lady. Oh, and just so you know.. I am still jealous of all your HAWT-ness!!

  2. Aww thank you! She really is a little princess. Just like she deserves. I like that we are friends on there too, because I like to do the same! I feel like we are alike in a lot of are definitely inspiring to me, too. Thank you! It means a lot.

  3. Thats really neat that you both were able to go together. For Benjamin's birthmom I think things are different, she has a 2 year little boy at home so everything is centered around him and just trying to get by. She has sent one ltter and we do email off and on, and I send pictures and updates but because she has a child at home she doens't have the need to think about Benjamin all the time, I wish sometimes she would send him something even aletter to him, she knows she's welcome anytime, but regardless she loves him and thats all that matters.