Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Mixed feelings

I'm excited because last year on my birthday, my mom gave me a framed 8 x 10 photo of my little girl that I had never seen before. She 'went behind my back' (haha) and asked C for some photos that I had never seen so she could surprise me. Well, my birthday is tomorrow, and I'm getting my hopes up that it may happen again. I know it's against my better judgement to get my hopes up about anything like that, but I can't help it!
I'm a little nervous, because I'm worried that I won't get a text or call or email from C tomorrow for my birthday. Call me selfish - yes, I know it sounds selfish - but I think I would be a little let down if I didn't hear from her. I know she has her life and I have mine and we are both (more so her) busy with our lives, and my world "revolves," if you will, around them/Arianna more than their lives revolve around me. I know that. But I would be lying if I said I wouldn't be just a teeny bit disappointed. My birthday doesn't mean much to me anymore, really. I'm working 9 - 5 and then going out to dinner and I already know what my gift is from my parents - a new camera! So in the grand scheme of things, it's definitely not as exciting as it used to be. Which is to be expected! Nothing would make my day more than a simple "happy birthday" from her, though. Even if she didn't send any photos, that's fine! I am blessed beyond belief to have been able to Skype with them for A's birthday, which is so much more important to me than my own. In a way, her birthday was my birthday too - a metaphoric birth from my old life into the one that I knew I needed to start living after her.
Am I selfish for feeling this way? For feeling a little nervous because even though tomorrow should and will be a happy day for me, part of me is worried about the hurt/disappointment that I'll feel if I don't hear from them?
The more I read what I'm writing, the more selfish I feel. I assure anyone who is reading this that it's not because I feel that I deserve recognition or that I am 'owed' an acknowledgement. I guess it would just be nice to know she was thinking of me. Then again, she constantly assures me that she is and that our daughter is lucky to have such an amazing birth family. So with that said, do I really need a 'happy birthday' text from them? I think not!
(This is the most back-and-forth post I think I've ever written. However, I answered my own question and that could very well be a first, too)!


  1. I use my daughter's birthday for a day to pamper myself. I never work and I ask my husband to take me on road trips ect. I was kind of let down last year cause I guess he didn't understand that I wanted to make a whole day out of it and we were not out too long. I know next year to be more clear and get to hang out longer with him.

  2. I love the way you word things! I hope you get what you are asking for!

    And your blog header is awesome! I love it! And I love the new layout!