Support

I decided to join the support group on Facebook that I was a part of for a few months starting last fall. I left because I was getting antsy about not hearing from my daugher's a-mom, and I kept reading a lot of posts from girls whose adoptions had suddenly closed or were closing, and I couldn't handle reading it. It would freak me out. It made doors closing the norm, since I read so much about it. I know that it's not the norm, and I can see no reason why her adoptive parents would suddenly shut me out, but the idea still crept into a tiny corner in my brain and made itself at home for a while. Once I got my promised update (plus a few more) and some more regular/consistent communication with her a-mom again, I decided it was safe to go back. I love it. I feel like I can say whatever is on my mind and I won't be judged, which is amazing. I really do need to start making some more positive changes. Since my birthday just passed, I figure that now is as good a time as ever. I can use it as a "turning point." I stopped going to therapy once I started working full-time because I just felt like I didn't have enough time. Most therapists work banker's hours; 9 to 5, just like I do. So it's tough. But I'm starting to realize that there's always a way to find time to work on yourself. There has to be. I can go to work, come straight home and relax but still have that 'I'm miserable' feeling linger in the back of my mind, or I can go to work, go straight to therapy, and slowly but surely feel better. It's clear which of the two is the better option, it's just a matter of taking the first step. It's a step I've taken a few times in the past year and a half-ish. I've had three different therapists, but none have really been that perfect match for me. I need someone well versed in adoption loss, self-esteem, and male/relationship issues. I need to talk to someone not only about my baby, but about her father. I need to feel like I can be fully honest. I've never been 100% honest with any of them, which is why I've never moved forward the way I should have. I've always left out teeny bits of the truth here or there - mostly (okay, only) about him. His age when we met. How our relationship began. What we fought about, etc. I can't expect anyone to be able to help me if I can't even be honest about what kind of help I need. Basically, my seeking support from other birthmoms led me to the realization that I need to seek help from someone totally outside the box, too. I need to start to be more open. I need to get "me" back...or as much or "me" as I can possibly get back. I know I'm a different person now. I became a mother and lost that title all within the span of 8 days. Honestly, I barely even know who I am anymore...