I feel as though lately I only go on facebook to talk to friends that I wouldn't normally text or call. All of my other friends on there, though, are either married, pregnant, have a baby, or all three. It used to be something I never wanted, but now I feel like I am a "mother" too...but I don't get to post pictures every day of something cute my baby does. Even if I got a picture every single day, I wouldn't post it. And if I did post it, I wouldn't be able to really write what she was doing at the time I took the picture, and the background in my picture wouldn't be of my house. That makes me so sad...it's beyond belief. Now, as if to add insult to injury, facebook now posts my status from a year ago on the right hand sidebar. "On this day in 2010, you said...." UGH. On this day in 2010, I was pregnant. My little princess was still MINE, still WITH ME. As a matter of fact, according to that stupid sidebar, on 8/25/2010 I was writing about how happy I was that Starbucks and Dunkie's both brought back their caramel apple cider drinks. I drank those all the time when she was with me, and I will never drink another one again. I just know it will make me too sad; it will make me long for time to warp me back to the fall of 2010. Even if only so I can get a few more months with her inside my belly. On one hand, I am relieved to have the hardest stuff in my past - I am relieved that I know that never again will I have to leave the hospital without her, never again will I have to sign away my rights to her. On the other hand, though, I want to go back in time to the time I spent with her in the hospital. It sounds so confusing, and that's because I'm so confused. I want to go back to the time that I could freely see her, but I don't want to hurt anymore - I guess that's what that boils down to. But how could I be hurt being around her? I think it was because I knew we had to say 'goodbye,' although I didn't say goodbye to her, I told her 'see you later.' I guess hurt comes with all forms of love...the kind of love you feel for a friend can hurt when that friend turns on you, the kind of love you feel for a parent will hurt when you lose them, the love you feel for a boyfriend will hurt if he lies to you or when you break up, so why would the love you feel for a child be any different? It hurts even more, in my opinion. I have been blessed enough to not have lost a parent yet, and I am terrified for when that day comes. So I haven't experienced that yet, thank God, but I can imagine it can't be quite as bad as losing a child. Painful, but different.
The gist of my post was that I need to distance myself away from all of this social networking bullcrap. I deactivated it the other day, but by the end of the night I was back on it. It doesn't really do anything but frustrate me...
Do you get visits with your daughter or just letters and pictures? I was literally panicked before my first visit with my daughter, and it was such a rush to actually see her. That rush lasted weeks afterward. I call it "post-visit euphoria." I think it might help a lot if you can see about having a visit even if that wasn't in your original agreement.... Also, I assume you do, but make sure when her APs contact you in whatever form they contact you that you write them back. It's so easy to assume that they need to do all the work - after all, you gave them your baby. But relationships take work from both sides... Hang in there. I promise it'll get better. You may even be able to have one of those drinks you love so much one day without breaking down into tears! *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI don't have visits with her, although her adoptive parents and I have talked about it at length. They believe that it will be best for everyone if we wait until she's a little older (not sure if that means 5, 10, 15, or 18) but said that we can (and will) always circle back to that conversation in the future, and that I can feel free to say what I want and how I truly feel and they will always take my thoughts into consideration. Right now, that's all I can ask for. I know it would be so amazing to actually hold her again, and just be near her...but I'm not sure that I could handle it right now. I don't know how I would react, seeing her fall down and cry and run to C for comfort instead of me. Obviously she has every right to - at 9 months, she doesn't know me. Another thing that scares me is the idea of walking away again. How did you cope after your first visit? Did it feel like you were 'leaving' her again?
ReplyDeleteThe idea of visits, as you can see, stir up a lot of conflicting emotions for me.
I do always always always right back, as soon as I get the email :) I want her to know that I love and appreciate the 10 paragraph updates and the tons of photos she sends. My biggest fear is them thinking I am uninterested or upset by the emails, so I am always sure to make it a 'conversation,' not just a one-way update. Thanks for your advice, you always say such kind things :)
Have you thought about taking a planned FB vacation and then find a project to work on instead? I've had friends do that for a week that were finding social networking sites to cause them stress. One of them started a knitting project. She later decided to totally deactivate her account and stuck to it. Now I have to email her or phone her the "old fashioned" way. :)
ReplyDelete