Monday, August 1, 2011

"Nice mom..."

This weekend was eventful, while also being uneventful at the same time. I was off this weekend, and it was the first weekend in a while that I've had Saturday off, so I planned to spend it doing absolutely nothing and enjoying every minute of it. The problem is, once I do "nothing" for about 15 minutes, I start to get bored and/or I think too much and overanalyze every situation in my life until I make myself upset or sad. So, Friday night after work, I watched a movie and went to bed early. It was nice to go to bed early without the intent of getting up at 5:50 a.m. for work. Saturday, I slept late and got up and did some stuff I had to do for school, and then on a whim, the idea of getting my tragus pierced crossed my mind for the millionth time. I just had that feeling - you know, where you want to get something pierced. I had wanted it back in high school, but the yearning had sort of faded away after a while. Maybe (probably) because he (Arianna's father) told me that they looked 'trashy,' and thought that girls should only have one piercing in each ear...who knows? Either way, it was sort of a spontaneous thing, yet it was something I'd wanted for a while, so I went and got it done. I paid with my debit card and didn't have any cash on me, so after it was done, I said I was going to run to the ATM down the street and get some cash to leave a tip. While I was in the ATM, a little old Chinese lady (or is it Asian? I don't know the politically correct word for races anymore, it seems like it changes every day) came in and stood behind me. Out of the blue, she says, "Is that your name? On your foot?" and I said "Oh, no..." and she looked at me so I explained further and told her it's my daughter's birthday. So she asks me how many daughters do I have, to which I replied none. (In my head, I was thinking, is it one? Or none? One? None? One!) Then she repeats what I said and says "it's her birthday on you?" and I said yes. Then she says, "Ohh...what a nice mom you are, huh!" And all I could do was smile and nod. If only she knew. If she knew I wasn't legally my daughter's parent anymore, would she have thought that? If she knew I haven't held my daughter or seen her in person in over eight months, would she have thought that? Or, on the other side of the coin, if she knew I chose a better life for her, would she have thought that even more? My heart swelled with pride when she said it, though, not because I think of myself as a 'good mom,' but just because I was recognized as a mom, even if only for a minute, and even if only by someone who hasn't the slightest clue about the situation.
As I've said before, I don't regret my decision. Sometimes it gets to me, though....the fact that I know I could have done it. I would have done a great job, even without her father. Hell, I probably would have done a better job without her father in the picture, screwing things up left and right. The littlest things get under my skin lately. It's not even the big picture, necessarily, that bothers me. It's the little things that all amount to the fact that she's not with me anymore. Every car I see with a car seat makes me cringe inside a little and makes me a little envious. I don't know where I'm going with this. Adoption used to be just another word to me, like the the word "radio," or some other word that you wouldn't think twice about. Now, whenever I hear it at work, a million thoughts pop into my head all in that one nanosecond it takes someone to say the word. I think about the hospital, I think about my huge belly the day before she was born, I think about her father, I think about where I was when I found out, I think about the conversation I had with him the night I told him. I think about meeting her parents for the first time, I think about the emails, updates, pictures. And I do this all the time. Working at a veterinary hospital, the word 'adopt' is as common as the word 'and.' "I need to schedule an appointment, I just adopted a new dog!" Or "I just adopted this kitten, do you think she misses her mother? Or her brothers and sisters?" NO, AND I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE FOR ASKING. Not really, but you get the idea.
I'm in awe of the fact that she's going to be nine months old tomorrow. It's unbelievable. I better start preparing emotionally for her birthday now, because it's around the corner.

1 comment:

  1. You ARE your daughter's mom. NO one, and I mean no one, can EVER take that away from you. Not even you signing away your parental rights can take that away. Just because you're not parenting her now does NOT mean you're not her mother. So wear your tattoo proudly! Wear your decision proudly! You honor your daughter every day by living your life and becoming the best you that you can be. Just like you want the best for her...and made that choice that you did because you wanted the best for her, she wants you to be you. She doesn't want you to wallow and be stuck. I know you're new to this whole situation - the first year is the toughest. I promise it gets easier. Weeks of wallowing will turn into days, and then hours. Hang in there. She will ALWAYS be bonded to you as her MOM in a way that she will never be bonded to her parents. Hold on to that. *hugs*