Monday, August 15, 2011

Is it just me?

Only I could find a way to become emotional in a bookstore! So, let me start from the beginning. I went to Barnes and Noble with my parents because my mom was looking for a book for none other than her friend from work's two-year-old. As we were going in the parking lot I saw a giant sign for some new store that's evidently going to be opening in the area called "Buy Buy Baby." (let's not even go into the fact that when you sound it out, it also says 'bye bye baby'). I saw it; I ignored it, as I do with most baby-related things lately. My mother then points it out and says, "ANOTHER baby store?! Seriously? All babies need is a crib, a onesie and a few packs of diapers!" That went through me like a rusty nail. I know I may have taken it a little too literally, but I wanted to scream that it was she who, while trying to "help" me, convinced me how much babies need and how much work they are and how much money you spend on clothes that they outgrow within a week, diapers, etc. It was one of those moments where I wanted to speak up and just say, "really? that's all?," but I knew it would make her feel awkward for saying it, and I've already been so on edge lately that they last thing I need is another argument with her. She didn't mean to be cold-hearted when she said it, but really? Obviously, that's not all that babies need; and even if it were, it wouldn't have changed my decision. For arguments sake, even if babies only needed a crib, a few outfits, and diapers...they still need a father, a college fund, a house to call their own (not always their 'grandparents house'), and a stable, secure family...not a father who is there when he feels like it, even if he loved her with all of his heart (which, I do believe that he loves her) it doesn't count when he is a fair-weather father. There is no such thing. You are there or you aren't. Same goes for me. I would have dropped her at daycare in the morning, only to work 9 - 5 or longer and pick her up, feed her, and put her to bed, just to wake her up and do the same thing all over again. That was one of the huge dealbreakers for me - the fact that her adoptive parents both have their own businesses and can work from home when need be...and, the fact that they have worked it out so that when one does have to leave for work, the other is always home. I mean no offense to anyone reading this, but in my opinion, having a child in daycare is like having someone else raise that child for you, as well. Yes, I am aware that adoption and putting your child in daycare are two completely different things, but I also agree with the argument that if your baby is with someone else from 8 - 6 five out of seven days a week, that person is going to be very, very close to them, and they may witness even more 'firsts' than the child's mother does. Again, no offense is meant, it's just my opinion. It's not something I wanted for my daughter. But I'm getting off track, again! Anywho, I was extremely irritated by the comment she made, so it sort of put me in a funk for a while. Then, I saw this book:
which also made me feel sad, for obvious reasons and also because the picture at the bottom left-hand corner looks exactly like one I took of Arianna in the hospital. The hat, the angle, the fact that she's all swaddled up in the was the spitting image, only the baby looks different, of course.

And thus ends my story of the trip from hell to the bookstore.


  1. Oh girl I feel for you. It was months before I could walk by the baby aisle at Target. I also spent a lot of my pregnancy reading parenting books at Barnes & Noble and it cuts me like a knife every time I walk by that or the children's book section. I completely agree with you regarding the two parents, and the importance of being able to spend time with and raise the children. I have friends, a married couple, with a toddler and a newborn baby. Both have high profile jobs they have worked very hard for. Once the first baby was born there was no question that the mom was going back to work. She didn't want to be a SAHM (though his income would have allowed it) and she said she didn't want to lose her identity, career, etc over motherhood. So they hired a full time nanny for $40k a year. Wonderful woman. I attended their son's first birthday party and when the little guy was excited or scared (there was a pinata that frightened him!) or hungry, he would automatically go to his nanny, say her name, reach his arms out for her. This ticked off the mom to no end, as is understandable. The saddest part to me is that the nanny has two small children as well, but her mother (their grandmother) watches them during the day so the nanny can work (as a nanny to my friends). It's all so screwed up. Even after the second child arrived the mom wants to work. I'm not saying that working moms are bad people at all but I'm just blown away that this woman, who is a close friend, has the ability to stay home, to be a full time mom and she chooses not to. I'm all for women having careers and motherhood and hobbies and friendships outside of their marriages, and independence. But the majority of SAHM I know (which isn't a lot because most households need 2 incomes these days) know they are very lucky and they make it work (coupons, saving money, etc) by stretching their dollars. I know a lot of moms who would give the world to be able not to work full time. Anyway long and rambling but I'm just always amazed that some people have the choice whether to raise their children or not (the few who have financial security or are independently wealthy) and they always choose to have a nanny (for example celebrities). Maybe it's just because I'm a birthmom and haven't had the privilege of being a parent. Hugs.

  2. I dont' think there is any "safe place" to go, I guess you just have to deal the best you can because what else can you do.
    Props for having it be important to give your child a family that makes her a priority before money and work. We might not make a ton of money but it is way more important that one of us is raising our kids. I also used to take care of my nephew while I was going thru IVF, I whatch him 10 hours a day. So so crazy to me, once he started talkingI had to use m&m's to train him to call me something other then mama.

  3. Stay strong girl! Soon enough, you won't even notice those things as much anymore. She will always be a part of you and you will never forget her, ever, but it will get easier. xo