Friday, March 16, 2012

How much?

How much disappointment can one person take? I don't care if this post sounds melodramatic (I don't care if that statement alone sounds melodramatic) but I am teetering between being really sad and just being plain old angry at the moment. I hate being let down. Doesn't everyone? I have no problem, NO PROBLEM at all with receiving pictures of A every few months as opposed to every single month (and sometimes more). I am fine with that. I am grateful for every single bit of her life that is shared with me through words and pictures and if her parents decide they want to cut out communication back to every few months rather than once a month, that is fine with me. Would I be happy? No, not really. But would I live? Yes. I will learn to live with it eventually - I am still trying to learn to live with my new life as a whole. I can adapt to it. I will make myself adapt to it. Looking forward to those emails are one of the few things that keeps me going. I hate going through this, but I would never get to feel that infinite happiness that I feel when I get the emails had I not gone through the infinite pain of losing my daughter. That happiness, which is untouchable by any other person, place, or thing, is amazing. That's all I want. I don't need it 12 times a year. 3 or 4 times a year is fine - hell, less would be fine if I knew. If I knew the rules.

I have had to unlink my email account from my phone because I was constantly checking for the notification that I got an email and it never came. Every morning when I woke up to a blank screen, it set the tone for my entire day. That is not how I want to live my life!

Again - I don't mean to sound ungrateful. That could not be any further from the truth. I just don't like being promised something over and over again, to no avail.

Two weeks ago yesterday, I got the email from her saying she would email that weekend. That email was in response to the text message she sent me two weeks before that, saying she was sorry it has taken so long and she 'promises to email tonight.' That text was in response to the text I had sent her two days prior, to ask about the email she had promised to me almost 2 months before that. A little crazy, no? It makes me wonder if there are no intentions of sending me pictures and those responses are being given to me to satisfy me in the moment, or if she truly means it and loses track of time. I want to believe that it's the latter - but I have seen and heard so many horror stories, that I just can't be sure.

Please keep your fingers crossed that she emails this weekend! We have always had great, consistent, honest communication and that was what made me so proud of my decision. That was 80% of what got me through the first few months - the constant updates and pictures. I knew that would wane, naturally, but I didn't know that I would be strung along for almost 3 months about a set of photos. Especially Christmas photos (of all times).

There are birth moms who absolutely love their adoption and haven't looked back once. Of course they hurt, but they find the positive in it and are truly, truly happy with the decision that they made.

There are birth moms who regret their decision and hate it every day of their lives, and just want their babies back. They have been lied to by the a-parents in some cases, or even if they haven't, they still simply feel they made the wrong decision.

Right now, I am in the middle of those two groups of women (and men). I am proud of my choice and knowing that my daughter has two parents and will want for nothing and will always be loved more than she can imagine makes me extremely happy. There are days that I "regret" it and wish she were with me - days that I feel that it's so unfair that girls in similar situations have their children beside them all the time, to hug, kiss, and hold - and I don't. There are days that I want to tell the world how amazing adoption is, and there are days that I want to advise anyone considering it to run the other way. I'm still new to all of this. A is not even a year and a half old yet. I know that I am torn.

But I don't want to be pushed over the line to the other side - the side with the people who fully regret it, and literally hate their choice every day of their lives. No matter what happens, I trust that my daughter will be trusted, loved, and safe for the rest of her life. And don't get me wrong - that is what's most important to me. Needing the photos is a selfish need on my part, I know this. Her health, well-being, and quality of childhood come first. But I can't sit here and tell you that if her parents were to cut off communication, that I will not completely crash and start to really regret it.

1 comment:

  1. I am so sorry, this is truely horrible. I can't imagain why she would promise and not follow thru. You would think she would realize how important this is to you, especially since you told her. Its just very wrong, even if she was upset about the Chritsmas present there is no reason for her not to send pictures on time knowing you are waiting for them or at least let you know things will be changing, so everyones on the same page. I am thinking of you and hoping whatever is going on gets straightened out so everyone is happier again.