Sunday, March 25, 2012

The past few months...

I figured I would write about some other things that have been going on in my life...rather than focusing on the missing update(s). Maybe it'll take my mind off of it for a few minutes. Some other considerably big things have been going on, too! I was hush hush about it at first, because I didn't know how it would unfold or where it would end up - such is life, right? - but now that I know the destination, I feel more comfortable talking about it.
Back in January, a friend convinced me, almost jokingly, to set up a profile on a dating site. I have nothing against online dating/meeting, especially since 9 out of 10 of my friends have met people that way. I'll never meet anyone out at a bar (I don't drink) nor will I meet anyone at work (I work with all females), but I was still more than apprehensive about it. It's been suggested to me before, so I could talk to another guy and he could serve as somewhat of a distraction for me. That's not fair to a guy, nor is it fair to me, so I always said I simply wasn't ready for a relationship or even another companionship. I honestly have enough trouble maintaining my inner relationship with myself right now, how could I maintain a relationship with someone else? Especially a romantic one? Anyways, one night at a friend's house and a homemade dinner later, we found ourselves on her computer, googling the best way for me to "find love." Hahaha. She was enthusiastic, I was still skeptical. Before even signing up, we did a search, and we saw someone who would be 'perfect' for me. (As perfect as you can conclude that a person is just from seeing their photo and their 50-character bio). I decided that I would sign up, if only to talk to him.
Fast forward a few days, he messaged me and we talked back and forth for a while and then he gave me his number and asked me if I'd like to text him instead. He was great - great personality, good sense of humor, just my kind of guy. He was 28, mature, had his degree, a good job, his own place, a nice car (if you know me, you know my passion for cars!), and a beautiful smile. And sleeves on both arms (can you say sexy?) We got along so well, and it felt like a friendship I had had for my entire life. He told me about his family, his past, his future, and he was truly on the same page as me as far as a relationship goes. It seems cliche to say you want to take things slow and develop a solid friendship first, but that was truly what I wanted and what he wanted as well. I was just testing the waters.
I've learned from a lot of friends who have tried online dating that a lot of men will jump right into talking about sex - when they're going to get it, how they're going to get it, and how quickly you're willing to do it with no commitment. That's not me at all. That's never been my frame of mind, especially not having been with one person - and being with that one person for over three years. A's birthdad is the only person I "know" in that way, and the only person that knows me. To say I was comfortable with him would be an understatement, and the thought of being intimate with someone else frankly scared the shit out of me. Anyways, towards the beginning of February, we finally met up and had dinner. We hung out a few more times after that, and always had a laugh and he made me feel really happy. He never brought up sex - the second time we hung out, he did kiss me goodbye, but didn't try anything else. He seemed to have a level of respect that I was honestly shocked by. He took my mind off of waiting for the pictures, because while I wasn't waking up to an email on my phone, at least I was waking up to a text message from him. (Which is in no way a replacement for the photos by any means, but at least I could balance the ups with the downs a little bit).
I told him about Arianna. He was shockingly comfortable with it and even asked to see pictures of her. I thought for sure he would clam up; not know what to say or how to handle me from that point on. He was absolutely fine, though. Emphatic, even. I eventually did sleep with him. I'm not one to broadcast things like that (I will talk details with close friends, what girl doesn't?) but it's important, because it's something that I could hardly see myself doing. I knew I would be with someone else eventually, but to actually physically do it, was scary. I thought I would be uncomfortable and spend the majority of the time thinking about someone else, comparing, contrasting, feeling bad - but I didn't.
I would be lying to you if I said I felt 'ready' to be in a relationship with someone at the moment, but I would also be lying to you if I told you that I would have said no if he asked. Whenever it was brought up, I sort of shied away from it, not knowing if I was ready to emotionally invest in another person. Things were fine the way they were, and we had only been talking for a month and a half or so, anyways, so I told myself to just enjoy what was happening and to enjoy the mental break from thinking about her birthdad.
So, fast forward to mid-march, when we had been talking for around 2 months and hanging out almost every weekend. The long and short of it is he asked me if he could borrow money because his phone was about to be turned off. That was a red flag for me right there - I know, I know that I have some residual trust issues. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, while still keeping my guard up with him, because I was lied to so much by A's birthdad that I started to assume everything that sounded bit off was a lie. People were guilty until proven innocent in my mind. Which is not fair to anyone, not even myself. But I need to learn to get past that and realize that he is not him. That's what I told myself to do, and I found a way to keep my guard up and still let myself care and be cared about. I was skeptical at first, and told him that I didn't have any money to lend him that week. (I did have the money, but I wasn't going to look like a fool and hand out the kind of money he was asking for). He told me later that day that his phone was going to be shut off. I was sad, and my mind instantly went to that 'bad place' and thought that this was his way of not talking to me anymore. The next morning, he texted me from another number and said that he had borrowed a family member's phone so he could talk to me. Aww, how sweet, how thoughtful - nope! I almost let myself think that, but didn't. Again, he asked for the money, again, I told him no and to stop being so pushy. I changed the topic of conversation, and we talked like we had been for the past couple months. All was fine, even though, in the back of my mind I was still pissed about the money. The next day, I get an email at work from him, saying he misses me and he had to give the phone back to his family member. Oh, how cute - he went as far as to email me. Too bad he didn't go as far as to delete the "sent from my iPhone" tag at the end of the email. He had an Android whenever I saw him - not an iPhone. I didn't want to jump down his throat - maybe he logged into his email from a friend's iPhone. I questioned it, and he eventually admitted that he wanted the money for an iPhone. Does he get points for admitting it? I suppose so. But he acted as if admitting it absolved him from trying to con me out of money in the first place. What kind of person does that? So I told him that I was done...reminded him that he knew how important trust was to me (we spoke about our past relationships) and that he had no problem breaking that trust before we were even in a relationship, just so he could get a new phone. He went as far as texting me from another number and emailing to convince me that his phone was off. The phone was never off. That's lower than low.
I do miss him, I miss talking to him, and other than that *pretty big* screw up on his part, he was a great guy. The kind of person I could see myself with. Oh well, I suppose. I did learn something valuable, though. I proved to myself that there is life after A's birthdad, that I can move on, and that I am capable of having feelings for someone else. It was the little push that I really needed. So, even though this guy ended up really getting under my skin with his phone story, I've gotta thank him for showing me that I can move on. And if there is one guy who can make me realize that, then there will be another, when the time is right. Right now, I am not looking for anyone. I made the profile with the intent of talking to this guy only, and it was perfect for a while, but now that it's over, so is my stint in the dating world for a while. In my heart, I really feel that even though I am capable of moving on, I'm still not fully ready in a way that would be fair to the guy. I'm too emotional right now, and wrapped up in the email issue. Once that passes (please God, let it pass), I think I will be back to myself again (for the most part).

Side note: as I was typing this, I took a break and went on Facebook, only to see that a-dad just posted a picture of some new stuff he must have gotten for work, and in the background there was a pink sippy-cup lying on the couch. I hate the fact that that is the closet thing to my daughter that I have seen in so long! Arghhhhhhhh. Maybe I will call her, or email once more today. She has given me so many platforms with which to talk to her - home address, email address, home & cell phone numbers, Facebook, and Skype. So I am not abusing my privileges or wearing out my welcome by utilizing 2 out of the 6 ways I have to get in touch with her. 

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