Friday, June 24, 2011

Hopefully a turning point..

A good thing just happened. Actually, it was a bad thing, but the end result is good! Let me rewind back to this past Monday morning. I called her father (I'm trying not to use his name on here, although anyone who knows me in real life knows who he is anyways) and told him that I had finally printed out an email for him from our daughter's parents, and that I couldn't drive quite yet because of my ankle and foot, but as soon as I could, which would likely be this weekend, I'd call him and let him know. To which he responded: "okay, don't rush for me, but that'd be cool whenever you can start driving again." Now, fast forward to last night. I called him around 5:30 to tell him that I could meet up with him somewhere on Sunday. He didn't answer, and I didn't leave a message, figuring he'd see the missed call from me and call back when he could. Now, here is where I get annoyed. I know he goes into work late, around 11 or midnight. I stayed up; no call. This morning, on impulse, I guess...I called again. He answered and asked me what's up. Ever so nonchalantly, might I add. I said, "I called you yesterday.." and he replies with "I know." So in my head, I started fuming but I acted calm because the last thing I need right now is an argument from him. So I asked him, "why didn't you call me back?" and he says...."you didn't leave a message." WHAT? Are you the President? I need to leave a message in order for you to pencil in a callback to me? Sorry, that's not how it works. You don't hold the power anymore. I went on to ask him, "since when do I need to leave a message? Because last time I checked, you hated voicemails and told me that if they were longer than 10 seconds, you deemed the rest of the message 'unimportant' and deleted it before it was finished!" Apparently he had rebuttal to that, so he says "whats the matter?" Caption Oblivious. I went on to tell him (calmly, might I add) that obviously I called for a reason and reminded him that he and I agreed only to talk about the baby, therefore it must have been about the baby. Who woulda thought? I also kindly reminded him (but at this point, I wasn't being so kind) that I told him I'd be calling at the end of the week to let him know when I could give it to him. Then: silence. That's what he does when he's got nothing. He could have said, "okay, I'll meet you ________ (insert day and time here)." But no - silence. So I got annoyed. I asked him if Sunday worked, he said yes. I asked him for a time. He then said he just remembered Sunday won't work for him. I knew I was going to be out towards where he lives on Sunday late afternoon so I said "you can't meet me for one minute in your general area towards the end of the day?" and he said something about being busy in the morning, and asked if I wanted to meet up on Monday. I told him that I, too, am busy in the morning but I can meet him later. He then tells me he has plans in the morning and won't be free til later, so he can't. What part of end of the day did he not hear out of my mouth? So I said, "Why don't I just mail it to you!?" and he asks again, "whats the matter?" UGH.

I know to everyone else, this is no big deal, probably nothing to get all upset over. But this is an adult man we are talking about. I asked direct, to the point questions and he still couldn't answer. I am trying to do him the favor here. He wanted the email. I didn't ask if he wanted it; he asked me if he could read it. Then there's the issue of not calling back because I didn't leave a message. Are you kidding me? When you know the only reason I would call is about our daughter, and when you were expecting my call at the end of the week....I need to leave you a message telling you why I'm calling? GFY. seriously. I don't know why I bother. I want him to want to be involved with her in whatever way we can be, so for him to want to be also, does make me happy. But having to deal with this bs on a montly basis? This behavior of his played a part in the decision I made for my daughter. I thought he may have changed, may have matured just a little, but I guess not.

The point is, I just had to come here and write all of this out. I had to capture the feeling I have right now. I just feel disgusted with him. I can and will be civil to him, only to talk about her. But we are not "friends" anymore. We don't call each other to talk. There is a car show on Sunday that I intend to go to by myself; something that he and I did together for four years every time there was a local one. I don't even want to ask him, and surely he must know about it, and didn't mention it to me. That's truly fine. When I hung up the phone with him a few minutes ago something hit me - I'm not in love with him anymore. Nope. Not even a little bit. I have love for him, that won't just 'go away.' He was my first love, the father of my first-born, and my first for so many other things. Almost every single other thing. But any romantic feelings I had for him (which, I admit, I've struggled with that for a while now. It's hard knowing you should strongly dislike a person, but still feeling the flutters and butterflies when you see them) have vanished after that phone call. It was just the final straw on top of a gigantic pile of straws that have accumulated over the years due anything and everything ranging from small petty arguments to full blown screaming matches. The lies, the selfishness, everything, was just piling up. This is a very good thing for me. I hope it lasts. I hope its not just a reaction I'm having to being angry with him.

There was a me before him, and there will be a much, much better me after him. He doesn't even realize that that 9 minute conversation just changed so much for me, for the better. I will get better. The petty part of me wants to get better to show him I don't need him, but the logical side of me just wants to get better for my little girl.

1 comment:

  1. So great that you could see the good in all of it. I used to use the phrase Be STrong and Move on! it sounds like you are and that your heart is now letting you.