Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Rainy days are my enemy...

I used to love rainy days. I used to love the smell before the rain came, the way the grass looked so glittery after a storm, just everything about it. I was happier on rainy days than I was on sunny days; but not because I was a gloomy person, but because I got migraines from being out in the sun for too long and, again, I loved the sound and smell of rain. But lately, they just make me feel even worse. Days like this make me want to just curl up in bed and be miserable(r) than I am. Yes, I just made a word up. It was pouring rain the day I left the hospital...maybe that has something to do with it. Who knows. Maybe it's the fact that it doesn't take much of anything to get me all riled up these days. I actually drove by the hospital she was born at today (not on purpose, I actually try to avoid it at all costs, but it's hard because it's five minutes from my house and in the center of one of the longest main roads in my town, which connects to about 5 other towns in the area) and I was flooded with all these mixed emotions and memories all at once. In a flashback, I almost simultaneously saw four or five scenes play out in my head. I remembered the two and a half days I spent there with her and my heart almost burst with happiness. I will cherish those days, hours, minutes, for the rest of my life. I will never forget them. Even if I ever do go on to have more children one day - those memories of my first born little princess will be etched in my mind forever. I also sharply remembered the look on her father's face when he walked in the room and laid eyes on her for the very first time. And he said, "hey little girl....I'm your daddy.." with his little crooked smile he had when he was really excited. I didn't expect that reaction from him at the time, but I had never been as happy to see an interaction between two people as I was then. Next, I thought of the last night in the hospital, the one that I kept her with me all night during, and how she never ever cried. Then, around 3 a.m., after I fed her, I laid her in the bed beside me and tried to get as much sleep as possible, while also not wanting to miss a precious minute with her. I knew time was running out. Then I woke up about a split second before I heard her stop sucking her binky and then I heard it lightly land on the bed. I didn't move, hoping she was sleeping, and suddenly she started wailing for it. I put it back in her mouth, and it fell out about 10 more times afterwards. Like clockwork, the minute I drifted off to the sound of her sucking the binky, it would suddenly stop, waking me up, and then she would cry. I wanted so badly to do anything and everything in my power to stop her from being sad...while I still could...while it was still my job to protect her and keep her happy. Finally, the last in my series of memories, came the worst. It was when I drove by the little side entrance to the hospital, the one we drove down when I was in labor, and it was also the one I had a clear view of from my room. I remember it rained the three days I was there, and every day as he father left, I watched him walk over to his car, in the rain. Then, on the day I was scheduled to leave, I remember sitting there, rocking her back and forth, and the rain was pelting down harder than I had ever heard it. I hadn't even been looking out the window, I had been staring at her. But then I saw, out of the corner of my eye, a hunter green Jeep pull in - the one belonging to the adoption agent that was coming to, in my eyes, tear my daughter out of my arms. (That's how I felt at the time - but I was in no way pressured or coerced.) I cracked. I wanted to run out of the room and hide somewhere. What would that have helped? Or solved? I don't know. I was thinking irrationally. Anyways, the emotions I felt at that very moment all hit me like a ton of bricks today when I drove by. Yes, every single detail of what I have just written went through my mind in a split second today. It's crazy how memories and the mind work. It stung me to remember that last day. I had tears welling up in my eyes but I knew I needed to pull it together because I had an appointment to make. I couldn't show up bawling my eyes out, and once I start, it takes a LOT to stop me.
Days like this are hard. I realize how blessed I am to have given birth to such a healthy, happy, bright baby girl and how blessed I am that she is with the family she belongs with. I have no doubt in my mind she is where she belongs; where she needs to be, and that she is safe, well taken care of, and extremely loved. But I can't stop these thoughts from occasionally entering my mind....thoughts that she belongs with me and only me. I know that's just my heart talking, but I desperately need the day to come where my head overrules my heart. I know I made the best choice, I did the best thing. But that doesn't make it any easier, that doesn't take an ounce of the pain away and doesn't make me miss her any less. Hopefully, tomorrow I will be busier and my mind will be preoccupied. All I ask is for it to be a little better than today..and I know it will happen for me. One day at a time!

Here are some photos of the day we left the hospital. I was in love with her "going home" outfit!


  1. She is a doll! I have never given a child up for adoption but I could almost feel how you were feeling, you described it so well. It takes a powerful, strong mom to have her heart torn in two for the sake of her baby. I believe I am older than you, but I definitely look up to and commend you!

  2. Thank you for making me cry! Just kidding...but really...I'm in tears. I can't imagine.

    She is a beautiful newborn...perfect in every way. Does she look like you or her dad?