Sunday, June 26, 2011

I wish...

I wish I could see my baby girl.

I wish I had realized how beautiful pregnancy is and embraced it more, rather than feeling so unsure and scared.

I wish I had been proud of my baby belly instead of trying to cover it up.

I wish I had taken more pictures of my belly.

I wish, when the ultrasound tech took a picture of my baby's hand and said "she's waving!" and I requested a copy of that photo, saying her father and grandparents would love to see it, and she told me "we only give out ones where you can really see the face" - that I had pushed it. It was only kept in my file, why couldn't I have it?

I wish I had taken a video of her heartbeat, or her dancing on the screen at my ultrasounds.

I wish I took a picture of the 3 of us - my daughter, her father, and myself - as a "family"...just one.

I wish I cherished the moments when she kicked inside of me more than I did. I loved the feeling, but each time it just brought sadness and all I could think of was how empty I would feel after I gave birth.

I wish I spoke my mind more when I was pregnant.

I wish I had cared less about her father's feelings and more about my own.

I wish I found out I was pregnant a lot sooner than I did.

I wish I knew how this would feel afterwards.

I wish I could see into the future and know that I will be okay.

I wish I could know for sure that my daughter would want me to be in her life again someday.

I wish the same thing I wished the whole time I was pregnant: I wish my little girl could have told me what she
wanted. No hard feelings. I just wished, above anything else, that she could tell me "keep me," or "give me to
them, please." Then I would have no doubts, or questions.

I wish I could go back in time to the day she was born. Not necessarily to change anything, but just to know I had a full two days with her ahead of me.

I wish I hadn't gotten the epidural. I remember the feeling of her actually being born; it hurt, then hurt some more (not the contractions, just my lower half in general) and then I felt a gush and it was like her arms and
legs just slithered out.  ...Definitely a strange feeling, but a one-of-a-kind feeling, too. I remember it as clear as if it were yesterday; I just wish I could recall the feeling of the contractions. Which, I can't, because I was numbed.

I wish I hadn't hid it from my friends after I found out. I didn't want any influence for or against adoption, but
now it seems a lot of people still don't know.

I wish that didn't make me feel as if I was hiding her, or ashamed of her. It couldn't be any more the opposite.

I wish I didn't know so many people having babies right now.

I wish I could hold her.

I wish I didn't go to sleep crying every night with her little hospital hat clutched as close to me as can be.

I wish I didn't wake up every day with the nonsensical false hope that maybe I'll see her that day. Of course I

I wish I was more at peace with this.

I wish I didn't miss her father, still.

I wish I wasn't on autopilot all the time, just trying to get through everything.

I wish I didn't feel physically like a part of me is missing.

I wish people could understand that yes, I did choose this, but it still hurts in a way nothing ever can or will,
ever again.

I wish people didn't just look at me like "why didn't you keep her then?"

I wish people understood that the minute you are pregnant, you are no longer number one. That's why I did what I did. My little girls wants and needs took an extreme precedence over my own from day one.

I wish I could kiss her soft little cheeks one more time.

I wish I could see a video of her first steps, whenever she takes them.

I wish, above everything else, that my little girl has an amazing life and always knows that she has been so blessed by her parents (adoptive) and that she never thinks that I did not want her. I didn't plan her, but that does not automatically mean I didn't want her.

1 comment:

  1. I think you will always have questions/doubts. It's only natural. But it seems like at the end of the day you know you did right by your little girl. Thats what matters most =)
    Stay Strong