Thursday, June 23, 2011

Good, better, best

Today was a better day. Not a great day, but better. I feel like I finally have some things to look forward to - some small things, like going to see Transformers because it comes out tomorrow, and then a bigger thing, which is filling out financial aid forms for whatever school I decide to go to in the winter to pursue my bachelor's degree. It took me long enough! I deeply regret taking those two years off after highschool, but at least I'm back at it again. It's hard now, but I'm sure it'd be even harder if I was in my 40's or older. I want to get it out of the way. I beat myself up over it when I found out I was pregnant - I would think things like, "if I had gone straight to college, I'd have graduated this summer (2010) and I'd at least have a degree and a better shot at a good career," or "if I were done with school that would be one less thing I'd need a babysitter for" etc. You get the idea. As if my education was the only thing standing in my way of giving my daughter the best future possible. I've come to realize that I would pick one thing and focus on it. I'd focus on my relationship with her father, and how it was going nowhere, then I'd think "if we were more stable in our relationship, we could raise her." Then I'd think about how I had a measly part-time job and no real income, and I'd think, "if I had more money, I could raise her." Of course I thought about how I still lived with my parents and thought "if we had our own apartment, she could have her own bedroom" yada, yada, yada. Then there was the fact that he already had a 4 1/2 year old, with someone else. Would my daughter always be second to his first daughter? Would she ask why daddy spends more time with her big sister than he does with her? I didn't know, and I wouldn't risk it. Yes, he told me he would "obviously show her no less love than the daughter he already has" and be involved in her life as much as physically possible even if we were not together as a couple, but he told me a lot of things during our relationship that his actions strongly contrasted.

Those things, when mixed with a dozen or so others and all rolled into one, paint a pretty awful picture together. They painted a rough road for me and therefore an even rougher one for my daughter. I didn't want her to see me struggle, I didn't want her to see me stressed, I didn't want her to ask why me and her daddy always yelled at each other. No way. We fought like a married couple before she was even conceived - what the hell would have happened after she was born, if we brought her home?

I'm getting off track, as usual. My point was, today was better. I get to go back to work next week, pending the okay from the doctor tomorrow. Please keep your fingers crossed for me! I don't want to have to get another x-ray, and I want these crutches gone!


  1. thanks for finding and stopping by my blog. I am honored for you to say what you said. I love what you wrote in your profile about not giving your daughter up but you chose better for her..YES you did! What a beautiful gift you gave!