Wednesday, June 8, 2011

new blog :)

So, I have decided to ditch my livejournal once and for all (maybe!). I've had one since 2003, so it's hard to break the habit, but I just don't really like the design of it too much, and my posts don't show up half the time anyways. Those of you who have found me on here most likely know all about my journey thus far from reading my previous blog, but for those of you who aren't familiar - this is it: (and there is a link below.) I'd summarize "me" and my life in a nutshell on here, but as I said, most of you already know, and if you don't, it's ALL there. I don't even have the heart right now, honestly, to go back and copy and paste any entries because that would mean I'd have to read them. I'm not ready yet. I know I made that blog for the sole purpose of writing down my feelings, getting them out, etc., and looking back and seeing my progress (emotionally, physically, what have you), but I don't feel as though I've progressed enough just yet.

In fact, I feel like the past few days have been a relapse of sorts. I realized something that I didn't want to realize - the reason I'm getting by just 'fine' and dealing with everything so 'well,' is because I'm drilling it down deep somewhere inside of me, burying it, so I can go on with my daily life. There are things I HAVE to do. I can't go to work sobbing everyday. I didn't give my daughter a better life so mine could crumble to pieces. I want so badly for her to be an active part of my life someday - when she wants me, I want to be happy and successful for HER. I want, more than anything, for her to be proud of me. For her to see the reasons why her father and I did what we did - for her to see that we not only bettered her life by giving her up, but bettered our own as well. Well, mainly mine. He is a whole 'nother story. I'd like to say I couldn't care less, I'd like to say I don't care if I never ever see him again, but I know that's not true. THAT is another emotion I was burying. I wasn't allowing myself to miss him. I wasn't admitting to myself how much I still love and miss him, because even I was ashamed of my own feelings towards him. I am 1,500% better off without him, but my head and my heart have been in that battle since, oh, about 1.5 years into our relationship. I just don't know what to do anymore, I don't know where to turn to. I feel like no one understands. I try to talk to my friends about it; they don't know what to say. I don't want to talk to my mother about it (at least not right now), and when I do turn to him to talk to him, I always feel bad after, like I broke a silent promise I made to my daughter and to myself.

I don't know, I'm rambling. As you all know I usually do ;)...just trying to keep my spirits up, and have faith. I wouldn't change my daughter being part of this world for ANYTHING. I wouldn't trade the pain for anything because it (and she) has taught me so much. About myself, about the world, about love.

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