Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Not so upbeat today

This may ramble on, and on, and on...and it may not make sense to anyone but me. But I need to talk and a computer screen is the only thing that doesn't judge and doesn't talk back, it just absorbs what I'm saying and temporarily takes a weight off my shoulders.

I knew this morning that it was going to be one of *those* days. Well, let me rewind to last night. He (my daughter's father) called for some reason that is lost to me at this point. I can't even remember the point of him calling, I just remember what it spiraled into. He asked me if I had gotten any recent pictures of our daughter, and I told him that I haven't for a couple of weeks and he told me to let him know when I did. Then, me being me, I went and said something about how we shouldn't be spending a lot of time together, or any at all, for that matter, because I'm over the moon happy when I'm with him, but then as soon as he leaves or I leave, I'm depressed even more than I was before I saw him. He kept telling me it'll take time....that I just need to give it time. I tried to explain the way I feel to him in terms that he would understand, by bringing up the first girl he was in a relationship with, who he told me a long time ago that he still cares about on some level, and I told him that he is that person for me. He was my first real relationship, even if it was basically a half-assed relationship, and that it will take me more than a few weeks or months to get over someone I've spent the last 3+ years of my life with. I told him that I'll never accept some of the things he's done, even if I'm 30 and married and he and I see each other, and I'm over him and have no feelings for him, I still won't have accepted some of it. I also told him that I honestly (and I was and am being honest) don't feel 'in love' with him anymore, and don't even feel as though I want to be with him anymore. He will always have a piece of my heart, and I know he would whether or not my little girl had been brought into the picture. I am willing to be civil and be friends, but he and I have never worked as just friends...and he knows what he needs to do in order for us to even get back to being friends, so it's in his hands. But right now, I need time to myself. Who knows how much time I need to myself, it could be weeks or it could be another year. I'm not giving myself a timeline. There is no timeline for timeline to grieve "losing" your only child and losing her father and your best friend all in one, both at the same time. Anyways, I told him that he and I should truly only talk if we have a reason, and he told me "there doesn't need to be a reason, because there's one huge reason already, that'll always be there...our daughter! For that reason alone you and I will always be in touch." Now, I don't know why, but him saying this set off a burst of tears on my end. Maybe because a tiny fraction of the reason I gave her up was because I didn't want that attachment to him for the rest of my life? (even though I know it's still 'there') Or maybe because I interpreted from the tone of his voice that he is terrified to lose a connection with me because he knows in turn he's losing his lifeline to his daughter? I don't know. There was a lot more to the conversation that I know I'm leaving out, so you can't really follow it, I'm sure. But that's fine. It's not meant to be followed; I was part of it and I still can't wrap my head around it.
I was in a much better place a few months ago. The pain over my daughter was overwhelmingly stronger than the pain over losing him, so I didn't pay it much mind. But it's been creeping up on me. I'm so scared to completely lose him, but at the same time I know what's best for me. I know that not seeing him even for just 6 months in a row would do me a world of good, but when I think about all that time going by, it scares me. I just need to take it one day at a time, I guess. This morning, I sprayed this vanilla body spray from bath and body works because I thought, "I haven't used this in a while," and the minute I sprayed it, I knew why. The smell hit me like a thousand bricks at once, because it was the one I always used to use when I was out with him. It was one he gave me for Christmas, the first one we celebrated together, and I still have it to this day. He loved it, and so I wore it all the time. It's crazy how certain smells bring on such strong emotions. For some reason, it made me think of one night, before anything really happened between us, when I went to his house around 11 or midnight and we played grand theft auto for two hours. It was the most amazing night, and nothing even happened. Another weird thing is, when I smell blueberry muffins, I think of being in the hospital with the baby. My mom brought me a box of blueberry muffins from dunkies because she knew I wouldn't eat the hospital food. Actually, she knew I wasn't eating at all during those few days.
I shouldn't be ashamed to say this, even though I know what a d--k he can be. I miss him, a lot. I hate the thought of being with anyone else, especially romantically or intimately. I know that will change over time, and soon I won't even think of him like that at all anymore. But I have this immense fear that I'll think of him the entire time I'm with whoever the next guy I'm with is. I guess that's normal. I've never really been though a break up like this before. Never had to give someone back their clothes, movies, blankets, pillows, etc., and never had someone give me back my things like that.
But the world's still spinning. Life is going on. I was so terrified of that in the hospital. I kept thinking, I'm safe in my little miserable bubble in this hospital bed - I never want to leave. I knew that was my only time to just be upset. I knew once I left - more so, once I left without her - that the world would continue on. Everyone would go about their lives as if it never happened, and soon I would be swept into that cycle again, too. What am I gonna do, just stop working? Stop going to class? Stop living life? I feel like I'm frozen in some sort of grief, but life is going on without me. I hope it's just a phase. I'm getting tired of acting happy, and therapy is not helping one single bit. To sum it up: today I'm miserable, angry, and sad, and I just plain don't feel like sugarcoating it anymore.


  1. My cousin just lost her little girl after delivering her at 6 months along, this after years of fertility problems. Like I told her, one of the wortst things is your life is broken, you are altered forever and yet the rest of the world just keeps on going around you even though your life has fallen apart. They say time helps, but of course the pain will always be there.

  2. Oh my goodness I'm so sorry to hear that. It really puts things into perspective...if she can be strong after that, I can be too...