Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Rewind four years...

I was just reading through my old private blog, a blog that pretty much documents 98% of my relationship with him. I started it way back in 2004, just as a place to write and vent that was password protected so only I could see it, and so I didn't have to worry about any paper trails or anything like that. Then, in 2006, when I met him, it quickly became the chronicles of he and I. I wrote in it almost every day, because I felt like I was on top of the world and I wanted to remember every moment of it, I was terrified I would lose the memories. It's funny, when I read it, I can remember exactly how I felt when I wrote's almost as if I'm time traveling back to the exact moment. Quickly it became a place for me to rant and about our arguments and get things off my chest rather than a place for me to swoon over him. It's hard to read some of it, and looking back on it, I can almost see where we took a turn for the worst. I know one thing though, I can see through my words how much I adored him in the beginning, and truly loved him the entire time. I still do love him, if for nothing else now than the beautiful little girl he gave me. She is the best gift he could ever have given me. One of the hardest, but still the best. Oh I can still remember how my heart melted the first time he held her. Two of the people I loved most in the world, as close as they could possibly be together. It's memories like that that make it even harder for me to move on, though. I know I made the decision that we were better off apart, and I fully believe that still, it's just hard...very, very hard. I'm better off "without" him, but to lose both him and my daughter, is overwhelming. I'm making it, I'm still here, and I know it could be worse.

My heart sort of twisted around itself when I read something I wrote on November 21, 2007 (a few weeks short of four years before my little girl was born) -
"so i was just thinking for some reason what our kid would look like, if we ever had a kid. dont get me wrong, im not going crazy  and i do NOT want to be pregnant and/or have a child at age 19, but i was just wondering, what would it look like? i would hope it'd be a girl. then i started thinking of pretty names. like kayleigh madison. thats pretty. or adriana or arianna or something. idk. im really not crazy, i hope i dont look back on this and think WTF was i thinking, haha, i think every girl at some point wonders what their kids would look like with someone they're in love with..."

Hmm, I got my "wish," didn't I? But it didn't turn out quite how I had envisioned it back when I was in la-la land, imaging our beautiful little tanned-skin baby that I didn't think would ever actually exist..

I love you, beautiful :)


  1. omg, she is stunning! what is she mixed with? she has so much hair for her age!
    your recap of the entry you wrote in 07 is so true, down to the T. i'm pretty sure every girl does think that at some point, even when they don't necessarily want a baby. i know i did.
    you are such a strong person to make the decision to cut him loose, especially at a time when you must have felt's so easy to lean on someone or something even when it isn't good for you, just because you are at a low point. i commend you for pulling through it on your own and not relying on someone who was no good for you. you really are proof that life goes on, after a relationship. and you had it twice as tough, learning to live without two people. i can't wait to read more about your journey!

  2. Thank you :)
    She is half white from my side, and half black, from her father's side. She's actually only four months in that photo...she was born with a whole head of hair!

  3. wow, i'm jealous :P
    my little girl was born completely bald! beautiful, but bald, hehehe

  4. She's beautiful! I think we all have those thoughts, well I think at least girls do. I am so so so grateful that I didn't have to make the decision you did. I also at that age had been with my boyfriend (gave me a ring) for 3 years. My parents hated him, I loved him, I should have seen what they saw, but of course I didn't. For us adoption is the most wonderful gift, we have 2 of the most perfect kids EVER, my gosh how did we get so lucky, I tell you when you are infertile all those years goign through EVF you don't feel lucky, but the way it all worked out was the most perfect way.

  5. I think your baby has THE most gorgeous hair =)