Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Dreams, again

I had the weirdest of weird dreams last night. The above is a note to myself, because the last time I had an extremely bizarre dream was immediately after I drank hot cocoa right before bed. Such a weird correlation, I know....I've heard that eating ice cream before bed can make your dreams weird, or drinking coffee or something like that. But hot cocoa? I definitely know that this dream was a byproduct of some of the things I had been talking about earlier that day. I was texting my friend nearly all day and we were talking about both of us doing better for ourselves, etc., and she said told me to 'always make today better than yesterday.' I told her she was absolutely right, but said that I am starting to freak out a little bit with fall approaching so quickly. More specifically, October and November, because those are the months that were so jam-packed with everything regarding my pregnancy, the adoption agency, leaving school, just everything. Then, coincidentally, another friend said she couldn't believe her first birthday was coming so quickly. Needless to say, my little girl, her birthday, the time in the hospital, (a.k.a. everything about her) was on my mind even more than usual all day long. In my dream, I was riding in the backseat of some guy's car (not sure who it was at the time) and looking through a photo album of pictures from the day Arianna was born. For whatever reason, we were on our way to the hospital where I had her....we were going to the nursery to visit her, and in my mind, she was still only going to be a few days old. I remember looking at the clock in the car and it said 11:02 (not the time she was born at, but the date) and being terrified. I told whoever I was with that I was going to need some support at 11:03 and 11:04, too, (the other two days we were in the hospital) and I reached out to hold the person's hand and he kept saying "stop, I don't have time for this right now," and I felt the tears welling up in my eyes and next thing I knew, I was in a completely different car, watching the guy who had been driving the one I was in....speeding away without me in it. As I saw the type of car it was and the license plate, I realized it had been G driving it and suddenly it all made sense. Then I woke up.

I guess I shouldn't call it a 'strange' dream, because I'm 99% sure similar events have happened between us, only under different circumstances. I see it as my subconscious telling me that I know he isn't there for me and hasn't been for a LONG time, and I need to accept it on the surface. Who knows, but that's how I'm interpreting it. It was eerie, though, when I woke up, how close to home it hit me.

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