I think I needed to cry today. I went to class, came home, and got straight back into bed. This is so unhealthy. This is so not me. So, I went digging and found the adoption book that Arianna's adoptive parents put together for prospective birth moms (my agency let me keep it, and if any don't, I highly recommend that they start). I've been half-heartedly looking for it for a while now, because sometimes I like to be reassured about my decision. I don't necessarily need that reassurance, but there have been times when I want to see if what went through my head last year will go through my head again this year. I've never been able to find it, though. It wouldn't fit in her memory box so I tucked it 'somewhere' for safe keeping...which you all know means 'the place things go with the best intentions, but end up getting lost.' Hahaha. Anyways, I found it. I read it again, and after the first three sentences I was in tears and couldn't make out the words anymore, so I skipped to the pictures. I vaguely remembered the apple picking picture, which I think I mentioned in one of my last posts, but that was really the only one I remembered. Well, lo and behold, the waterworks began when I saw a picture of her adoptive mom, with their adopted son, feeding the goats at the apple picking farm. One of the pictures she sent me this past Monday was identical - only minus their son and plus their daughter. I think they were even the same freaking goats. How long do goats live? Because I'm 99.9% sure all six of them were the same as last year. To top it off, she dated the picture in the adoption book and that photo was taken on the very same day that I first made the call to the agency to look into adoption. How weird is that?
Needless to say, I got my fill of re-reading and looking at that book, and it's going away for a while again now. It was a little hard, because the last time I saw or read it, she was in my belly...I still had a choice. Granted, I would make the same one again for her, especially now that I know the outcome, I know her family has fulfilled all of their promises thus far, and I know her smile is no less than ear-to-eat in almost every picture.
I just needed to release some of what's been swirling around in my head (and heart) for a while now...and now I know a surefire way to do it.