Last Friday, I went with a group of friends from high school to go get our cards read. I was skeptical at first - no, actually, I was terrified. I was terrified that I would hear something I didn’t want to hear and somehow connect it to my daughter and fear that I’d never see her again. I was scared to have my ‘future’ laid out in front of me by some stranger, because lately I have to take it day by day just to get out of bed. I wouldn’t even commit to doing it until we actually got there and I saw that it was a relaxed, comfortable setting and I was reassured by my friends that I needed to just relax and have fun. For some reason, I was picturing a dark, smoky room with no windows and a velvet tablecloth, with a woman sitting in some crazy yoga position with a crystal ball in front of her. Needless to say, it was absolutely nothing like that. Once I saw that I could get up and run if need be, I was a-okay with having my cards read. I’m hesitant to write it all out, because I feel like it’s one of those touchy subjects (if you’re superstitious), like not saying a wish out loud because it makes it not come true. I do want to remember everything, though, and I also want to share, so here goes:
She started off by having me shuffle and then pick ten cards out of a pile, face-down. I forget what the pictures were on them or what they said, but I remember she pulled two more than once - one that meant ‘completion and wholeness,’ and another that meant ‘past efforts and hardships will reap future benefits.’ Of course I related that card to the adoption…all of the hard decision making and all of the pain would reap benefits for my little girl and eventually for me, too. The very first thing she said was that she saw that I was either having a lot of job troubles or I had just quit my job, and I explained that I had just left. She then told me that she saw someone whose name she thought started with a V and ended with an N and whom she thought may be my grandmother, watching over me. My grandma, who passed away in 2003, was named Evelyn. Pretty darn close, if you ask me. Then she hit one of the touchy subjects - my daughter’s bio father. She told me she felt a love interest who I still cared for and who still cared for me and loved me, but that there was a barrier there that he wasn’t yet willing to move from, or felt that he was unable to move from. She said that she believes that I am a dominant person, being an Aries, and that he is too (also being an Aries) and that that is why our relationship didn’t work out. She sensed that he would always be in my life, but not as a love interest, and that he would always care for me but that now is the time to work on myself and let him go. That was all I needed to hear - I mean, of course I know that I need to let him go. My parents tell me. My friends tell me. I tell myself. Having a woman who can apparently see my FUTURE (on some level) tell me to just give up and move on (because she can see that even I know that I should) was the last straw. What else? She mentioned one of my close friends names and the name of said friend’s grandmother (which I didn’t even know until I told my friend about it and she said that was her grandmother’s name, too).
Now, on to the important part. She kept pulling a card that meant “autumn” and telling me that she sensed that the fall season was very significant to me. She said it’s been a time of change, new beginnings, and life-alterations. Oddly enough, not only is fall when my little girl was born and when I “lost” her, but it’s also the season that I grew so close with and fell in love with her bio dad. And as I’ve said in previous posts, it’s my absolute favorite time of year, so I’m not surprised that she picked up on all of that. She told me she felt that I had suffered a loss, but that the person didn’t pass away, they were still on this earth just not directly in my life, but not to worry because this person and I will meet again and be the best of friends. MY HEART MELTED right then and there. I started crying and she kept saying “don’t cry, don’t cry, this is supposed to be fun!“ but as you can imagine, that was one of the most emotional statements I could have heard. I just knew she was talking about Arianna, and my heart was singing.
Then, after that, she told me she saw a young child, “probably a girl,” who would have a childhood worth envying that and I myself would be jealous of. She said this child would “want for nothing.” Then, she asked me to help her out a bit and tell her who this child was that she ‘saw.’ I told her it was probably my daughter and she said “ahhh, I see, and you, for some reason, feel as though when it comes to her that you have no control. But you do have control, you actually have more than you think.” (Not sure what that means…if I were to ask for visits at a younger age, I would get them? I’m lost on that one). As I was nodding my head in agreement she came out and asked me what the situation was, exactly…and I explained that I had given her up for adoption and that she was born in the fall. After that, she told me “generic” things that I absolutely hope are true as well, but are things that anyone could and has said to me, like that she sees that the family has money, that I am sad and probably always will be a little sad but that I “definitely” made the best decision I could with what I had, etc. Of course she isn’t my friend and doesn’t necessarily owe me anything, really, so I hope those are things she truly felt or “saw.” One thing she said that stuck with me, though, was “her family will never, ever close any doors on you and your daughter will always know who you are.” That, too, seems like a simple reassuring statement, BUT she did not know it was an open adoption. I get that that’s a much more common occurrence now, but still, for all she knew I could have signed the papers and never heard from them again, so it made me very happy when she said that. She said my little girl will be into physical activities and always into something; sports, music lessons, etc., which is funny because she is in a music class for babies right now. She then asked me if the love interest that I was sort of clinging onto that she had mentioned earlier was my daughter’s father, to which I told her yes. Finally, the most eerie part: she told me that my daughter will have a creative side and enjoy drawing and writing like me, but will have her father’s looks. She could not have been more spot on about any of that. She didn’t know I was into that sort of stuff (which I very much am) and had not seen a picture of my little princess.
It really gave me faith and I put my foot straight into my mouth immediately afterwards, because I was always one of those people who thought it was all a hoax and that no one can really “see” or know these things. I have a renewed belief in it all and I highly, highly recommend having it done. Much like myself, you may be terrified going into it (trust me, my hands were shaking and I had already nearly cried on the way just thinking about it) but if you get someone who can really connect with and read you the way this woman did for me, it can hopefully give you some hope (if you’re in a tough situation). I won’t take her word as if it’s written in stone, but it’s definitely guiding me a little. My mood has been a little better this past week since I’ve gotten it done. I used to have fears, questions, tiny tiny doubts…and I’m not saying they’re completely squashed, but I have definitely had a lot more faith instilled in myself since that night.
I started writing this entry on Monday evening, but I got sidetracked because my phone went off and it was an email from C!! In it was a long update and a 38 page PDF she put together or photos of our little princess. She apologized for being so quiet lately (which she absolutely doesn’t need to do) and said it’s because they were on their cross-country trip. My little girl has been to double as many states as I have and she’s only 10 months old. I mean, really been in, not just flown over or driven through. She’s now spent time around kittens, puppies, horses and birds at a farm in a state in the Midwest. The pictures melt my heart because I am so passionate about animals, and to see her cuddling up to a dog or patting a cat or gazing up at a horse with an ear-to-ear smile nearly brings tears to my eyes. She also got her hair done. By “done” I mean, her grandmother (African American) parted her hair in all these crazy ways and put it in little hair ties all around her head. I want to post a picture, I’m just hesitant because of the easy access through a google search to all the photos on here. I do have some on facebook, though, so if anyone does want to see, I can add you/you can add me. I know that’s still technically “showing people I don’t know,” but I trust my few readers (most who are in the same boat as me, or on the same side of the adoption triad) to take a look at some. It’s probably not very sound logic, but it seems safer than putting them here. At least with facebook, for the most part I know and have control over who sees what.
So, I guess that’s all for now (as if I didn’t write enough, right?) School has started up again full-swing and I am still on the hunt for a job, so I may not be as talkative as I was over the summer. I do still read everyone’s posts though, and usually with an empathetic smile. :)