With tomorrow being what would have been our 4th 'anniversary,' and me feeling like I've missed him more than usual today purely because of this, I've decided to make a list of things I am grateful for and lucky to have! His name has been scratched off the list this year, never to be put on it again (although last I heard, he seems to think we will be together again sometime in the future. RIGHT. I made the same mistake a few times, but I'm not dumb enough to make it again).
I am grateful, above almost everything else, for my parents. I may not say it a lot, or even show it a lot, but I truly am. I am equally grateful for the open adoption I have with my daughter's family; I am so blessed to not only be able to know their last name, but to have an address and phone numbers. I am honored that they trust me with this information, and while I know that there are obvious legalities holding me back, I feel so comforted knowing that they don't think so low of me that I would try to come 'see' her uninvited or anything like that. The trust that they have in me means more than the world. I am lucky to have had a healthy, uneventful pregnancy and a beautiful, healthy, alert 8 pound baby. (I am even more lucky that she was a girl ;) which is what I would have chosen, if anyone ever had a choice in the matter).
Although her biological father and I aren't on speaking terms at the moment, and I am not his biggest fan(and he has acted like a 12 year old at times, and he says things without thinking......you get the idea), I am still grateful for the fact that he does care about her. He can say hateful things to me, hell, he can even hate me, but I know he loves and cares about her. It's just a feeling I have, and he has shown it...I don't say a lot about it on here, because of course it's easier to complain than it is to praise someone. But he has and does. I am thankful that he wants to get her birthday gifts and that he has written to her and that he can't wait for the day he gets to see her again. That means more to me than my own relationship with him ever did. It's easy to see him as the 'bad guy,' and I should apologize for that, for what it's worth. I know he doesn't read this, but still. Yes, I do feel anger towards him and I was hurt by him, but at the end of the day, I care more about how he treats his daughter (by 'treats' I mean the way he talks about her, the way he is eager for pictures, the way he talks about contacting her and meeting her again, etc.) than I do about how he treats me (like shit, for the most part).
Moving on! I am thankful that I am able to continue my education; I am thankful for my parents so willingly helping me pay for it, also.
Hmm...what else? It all comes back to my little one. I am thankful that she is here, period. Wherever she may be. I am thankful for her coming into my life, even if she was only part of it physically for a short time. Her short time with me has made an impact that will last forever.