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Saturday, July 23, 2011

Carousels and crying spells

The post title really says it all. I woke up in a really good mood this morning, so I started the day off on a good foot. I actually went for a walk before the heat and humidity became too much to bear (it reached over 100 degrees today...ick!) and then spent most of the mid-morning and afternoon working on some case studies for my psych class. I am growing to love that class, by the way, now that I finally have my textbook and am able to keep up now. I had an internal conflict most of the day about whether or not I should call my daughter's bio father for the photos or not or if I should just let it rest. I'm really waiting on him to finish this book; part of me wants to just say "screw him, I gave him plenty of time" but that's not even punishing him, it's my little girl who will miss out on her father being in her scrapbook. I told him I needed them within the month and that was almost two weeks ago...time is running out! I can admit, though, that one of my huge flaws (that I've only come to realize in the months after my daughter was born) is that I'm a huge control freak. Now, seeing my messy bedroom, you wouldn't believe that. My room reflects a person with absolutely no control, and my car used to, as well. In a weird way I feel like I've put up this strange guard, especially when it comes to anything and everything having to do with him or my daughter. I've taken the phrase "don't expect anything and you can't get let down" to a whole new level. I won't call him at a time when I think he won't answer (because of work, etc.) because I'll get upset if he doesn't call back within a day or two, or 'forgets' to call back. I won't expect an email from my daughter's adoptive parents, EVER, because then every time I check my email and there's nothing there, I get sad. Don't get me wrong, I haven't become Miss Debbie Downer who looks at the glass as being half empty all the time. I just try to plan my life according to guidelines I've made up in my own mind that I think will cause the least amount of hurt. I don't mean that I'll never fall in love again for fear of getting hurt, or I'll detach myself completely from my child for fear that I'll never ever get to see her again....I just mean, I try to avoid situations that will bring conflict. It stresses me out far too much. Bottom line: I spent too much of today avoiding call him....so much time, in fact, that now it's too late and I won't call at all.
I went for a drive to the edge of a nearby town today, where the road just literally stops and turns into sand. You can see the Boston skyline so clearly from there, but it's far enough away that you just see the silhouettes of the buildings, and none of the bright lights from the city. I took some pretty good photos of the sunset, which was my main goal in going there. There is one I particularly like, where you can see the sun peaking through the gap in the sails of a sailboat.

After that, I was heading home and I noticed the carousel...the one I used to go on all the time when I was little. I knew it was there, in the back of my mind, but sort of forgot until I saw the lights all around the circular roof - you know, the same bulbs that they have on vanity mirrors. They caught my eye, so I pulled over and parked and walked a little closer to see if I could get some good photos. I didn't want anyone to think I was a weirdo who was trying to photograph their kids, so I kept my distance and just sort of meandered around, hoping it might clear out soon and I could get some shots. Somewhere among walking, wondering, and waiting, I felt tears welling up in my eyes. I just kept thinking about the photo that C sent me of Ari on the carousel...her first carousel ride, which was last month. I know they weren't on that particular carousel, but I kept looking at the horses going 'round and 'round and wondering, "is that the one that her perfect little hands were grasping onto so tightly?" yet knowing that it wasn't. I decided to forgo the opportunity to take any photos and just got back in the car and tried not to let my tears get the best of me. I didn't want to get too upset; things like this will come up 80,000,000 more times within my lifetime, I'm sure. Maybe crying would have helped me to work though it, who knows. It's over, I'm safe in bed, and the carousel is as far away physically as I'm trying to make it in my memory.
I can't even describe how much I wish I had been there with her. Anyone who knows me knows that, any anyone who has ever had to be away from their child in any way also understands that. To me, it's an amazing photo that shows me just how much she has grown..but at the same time, it symbolizes another moment and milestone missed. I guess I need to accept that from here on out (or, should I say from 11/11/2010 on out), everything I take part in that has to do with my daughter will always have the most bittersweet taste that I will ever experience...

2 comments:

  1. Beautiful picture- of the sunset and your birth daughter! She is beautiful <3<3

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  2. Keira (it won't let me sign in!! bah!)July 25, 2011 at 10:19 PM

    LOVE that picture of the sailboat. Looks like a post card, or it should be one anyways. Stay away from carousels! I hate to see you feeling down xx

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