Sunday, July 17, 2011

I've become a green-eyed monster.


Proverbs 27:4; Wrath is cruel, anger is overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?

I'm genuinely not a jealous person, or at least I used to be able to say that about myself and mean it. When other girls in my high school had nicer cars or fancier bags and wallets than I did, I never felt envy towards them. I was happy with what I had because I didn't see the sense in dropping buckets of money into something that would be used for a month and then traded out for a different one - in the case of the fancy Coach bags, that is. However, lately, I have found myself more jealous than not in nine out of ten given situations. My life is good. I am lucky to have both of my loving parents still living and still together and on my side. I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones I do have, I keep very close, and that's the way I prefer it. I was never a "social butterfly." I am lucky to still be able to go to school and continue with my education, and all-in-all, when I step back and actually see the forest through the trees, I am lucky to have had a healthy, beautiful baby girl and I am even more lucky that I can trust in the fact that I will one day be a part of her life again. So why oh why am I jealous of damn near everything and everyone lately? It seems to be getting out of control, and I thought maybe if I wrote it out and got it off my chest, it might make me feel a little better. Pardon the grammar and run-on sentences that may or may not occur in the following part of my post!
Okay, here it is. All of it. I am jealous of myself in the photos I see from last November. I feel like the person in those pictures still had the chance to say "I'm backing out of this, taking my baby home with me"...even though I know that's not what I would do if I were given the chance to go back in time. It's not what my daughter needs. I am jealous of my daughter's birth father because he seems to be "moving on" from this so much faster than I am. He laughs and smiles with ease these days, and don't get me wrong - I am happy for him for that. I don't want him to hurt, no matter how badly he has hurt me in the past. I'm not vindictive towards him; believe it or not, I would hate to see him suffer. Especially over our baby. But why does he get to be so happy before I am? Don't I deserve that as much (if not more) than he does? I know he grieves differently than I do, and there have been times recently that he has gotten choked up and even cried about it. Maybe he's hiding it to protect me, because he knows I'm a big ball of emotions sitting at the top of a steep hill and I could go rolling down it at any moment if the wind blows in the wrong direction. I don't know. Either way you slice it, I'm jealous of him. I'm also jealous of him because his first daughter, his 5 year old, is still with him. Why does she get to know her biological father in a way that my daughter doesn't? I realize that he had that child with a different woman who was at a different age and place in her life than I was when I got pregnant with him, but still, I feel extremely envious towards that whole situation. I'm jealous that he still has a child that he gets to see everyday, and if not everyday, very often. I'm jealous of his older daughter's mother for the fact that she, too, found herself pregnant by him unintentionally, just like I did, but she gets to be with her daughter. I feel like that could and should be me. And, as crazy as this sounds, I've found myself jealous of his five year old daughter. Not because she gets to spend time with him and I wish I was spending time with him, but I feel jealous of her for my little girl. That one is hard to explain, so I won't even begin to. It's the most illogical feeling I could ever have, this little girl is five. She, along with my little girl, is the most innocent one in all of this (not including my daughter's a-parents). I am jealous of all my friends who have photos of their babies and talk about their babies on facebook. My automatic first thought is "why can they do it and I couldn't?," and I know that's irrational. Everyone's story and situation is different. But isn't jealousy known for being nonsensical at times? I am jealous of women I see happily married with their husbands, even though I don't want a husband or even a boyfriend at this point in time. I am jealous of pregnant women everywhere, I am jealous of everyone I see in the baby section of the store, whether they're buying things for themselves, their nieces, or cousins. I don't care, I get jealous. When I stop to think, though, what I should be is grateful. My daughter, although she isn't with me physically, is happy and healthy. I should want nothing more than that. These people that I'm jealous of...I don't know their story. The pregnant woman in the baby aisle at the store that makes me so jealous and frustrated inside could very well be a first mother herself. She could have given a baby up when she was young, too. Or this could be her 5th pregnancy, and the only one that she's made it full term with. Or it could be her miracle baby after she was told she was infertile. Who knows, I certainly don't. I try to remind myself of that when I feel like I'm about to burst. Just like with my daughter's first father - I don't know, truly, deep down, how he feels. Other than what he tells me. I know he feels guilty over the fact that one of his daughters is with him and the other is not. But how do I know that he doesn't feel guilty towards my daughter for 'giving her up' and 'keeping' his older daughter and guilty towards his older daughter that she's 'stuck' with him while his younger daughter is so much better off? I haven't been in his shoes, I haven't parented and then chosen adoption for my second child. So while I'm so busy being jealous of him, I should stop and think of that.

Writing this out has helped me because I'm seeing it now, in front of my face, in black and white. I sound like a lunatic. I'm jealous of a man who I have absolutely no reason to be jealous of, I'm jealous of pregnant women, married women, a five year old, and my friends who have babies. CRAZY! I hope admitting it really is the first step. And, skimming over my post, I can see that I've resolved some of my jealousy issues right here and now, just by talking about them to a computer screen. This proves to me that it would do me a world of good to continue talking to someone about this. As in, continue therapy...for the time being, at least. I clearly have a lot that I need to work through before I can fully move on. As fully as I can anyways. As I've said a thousand times, a piece of me will always be with my little girl wherever she goes, so therefore I will never be 100% whole again.


  1. Oh honey do NOT beat yourself you for your feelings. I went through a period (and still feel jealous from time to time) of the entire world. Especially of moms, parents, families. The voice in the back of my mind always says "why her and not me?" or "why does that teenage mom get to keep her baby and push her around Target with her mom being doting grandma and I am twice her age and gave mine up?". It's a very natural reaction to loss, and grieving motherhood/parenthood and the experience of loving and bonding with that child. It's the hardest thing ever to have to tell yourself "remember you did this for her, you wouldn't really change a thing if you could go back in time", isn't it? I know exactly how you feel. xo

  2. Yes, it's good to not feel SO jealous. But, like "A Life Being Lived" said above - don't beat yourself up! You will never "move on" from the loss of your daughter to adoption. Those that tell you different are in denial. Yes, you can move over the loss and live your life, but moving on requires denial, and you don't want to do that. Hang in there. This too (the jealousy), will pass. *hugs*