Monday, July 25, 2011

My tattoo. . .

This may be a short one because I am extremely tired. I didn't sleep well last night...I went to bed at 11 and didn't fall asleep til nearly 12:30, then I woke up again around 2 and tossed and turned until about 4, and finally woke up for good at 5:30. No fun, let me tell ya.
Work started out well, I was greeted in the morning by a litter of seven 4 week old kittens squealing and squirming around in their carrier, so that brought a huge smile to my face. One of the technicians at my job rescued them from an animal shelter and is nursing them until they are old enough to eat on their own. They were too adorable! Anyways, work was going pretty well, until....I lost it. I don't know if it was the lack of sleep, the stress I was under at work today, or a combination of everything all at once, but I went out back to look for an animal's medical record and a tech (the one who brought in the kittens) said, "Oooh, what does your tattoo say?" and I replied the same way I always do when I'm asked. I said "It's my daughter's birthday.." and she looked up and smiled and said "aww...." but gave me a quizzical look, as if to say "why does it have the wording above it that it does?," because it is clearly a 'memorial' or a tattoo in honor of someone. So to break the awkward silence, I told her that I gave her up for adoption. Her face practically crumbled and she said "oh, how beautiful that is, it must be so special to you" and I nodded my head for what seemed like an eternity and then I said "I'm going to cry." And no sooner had I said it than the flood gates opened. Which, in turn, made her come over and hug me and say, "I'm gonna cry, too" and it was all downhill from there. I tried to compose myself as soon as I could, especially because my practice manager, the two veterinarians, and another tech were peering around the corner, wondering who the heck the blubbering fool was in the back room with the kittens. She told me that that was the most loving thing I could have done and said she was sorry she made me upset. I told her, as best as I could through my babbling, that she didn't make me upset and that I don't usually act like this. Which is true...many, many people have asked about my tattoo and I've held it together and told them matter-of-factly. I know that I put it out there; I got a permanent ink on my body expressing how I feel about my daughter and it's right on the top of my foot, so people are bound to see it. It's not like she went snooping and found out; it was right there, in plain sight. I expected the inquiries, from friends who didn't know yet, from people at work, etc., so there was absolutely nothing that she did wrong. Today was the first time, though, that I've cried when someone's pointed it out. She felt awful for making me cry, which made me feel awful for making her feel awful, and also made me feel awful about the whole damn situation in it's entirety. I feel like I should be going to my car at work and seeing a pink car seat in the backseat, not going to my car to get napkins to wipe the mascara off my face and try to look presentable for clients. Bonus: I have super sensitive skin and my eyes are already a little watery from my allergies to really long-haired dogs, so for the rest of the day after my crying fit, my eyes were bloodshot and a little puffy, which led to every person I made eye contact with doing a double-take and I could almost see the words swirling around in their heads..."do I ask if she's okay?" Humiliating. I fully intended on blaming allergies, but luckily no one asked.
I hope, in the future, I can compose myself a little more when need be. I know it's not healthy to hold it all in *all the time,* but usually I try to put my game face on at work and school and other social settings and not let myself feel it when people say things or ask questions. My emotions took me by surprise today, that's for sure...


  1. Your emotions will take you by surprise sometimes. That doesn't surprise me at all. Mine still do (my daughter's almost 2), and I expect they always will. Very common among us birthmommas. They nearly always take you by surprise at most inopportune moments. I'm glad that you had someone today that was supportive and didn't just brush it off - as hard as it may to believe, that makes it worse. Hang in there. *hugs*

  2. what's your tattoo of? pictures please! keep your head up, you are a strong girl and i've kept up with your blog for a while and you've made it through worse =)