Trying...

I'm trying to stay positive. I feel like I'm finally processing feelings that I should have dealt with months ago but didn't, because I was too scared. I knew how I felt in the hospital, I knew how I felt leaving the hospital. So when I got home, and after I had signed the papers and everything, I just....didn't want to feel any of it. I shut myself off; turned myself into a robot. That's not how I want to live my life. I don't want to never love anyone or anything again because I'm scared to get hurt the way I did by her father, or I'm scared I'll have to be apart from them, like I am with my daughter. I've learned to tune out the emotions and it's the most unhealthy way to cope with any sort of grief. I think it was too overwhelming for me. Everyone kept telling me how strong I was, how I was "better than they expected me to be," when I returned to work, etc. I wasn't. I am a good faker. Now, I need to stop. But I don't know how, because now, its eight months later. It's not so acceptable for me to melt into a blob and not want to leave the house for a week. I, in a way, had an 'excuse' before. In the few weeks after her birth and after my signing the papers, it was almost expected of me to crumble. But I held it together, I had to be strong for her, and I felt as though I needed to be strong for her father, in the areas that he wasn't. (Big mistake, by the way. I realize now that I did not need to compensate for anything he lacked.) I don't know, I just feel strange. I love getting pictures of her, but the more and more I see, I don't even feel like she's mine anymore. I know, in a way, she isn't mine. But I feel almost like I wasn't even pregnant with her, I didn't even give birth to her. It's not because she doesn't look anything like me (which she really doesn't), or because I haven't seen her in so long.... I can't really explain it, I guess. I guess you would have to be in my shoes to understand it. I just look at her and think, "what a beautiful baby." I don't feel any maternal connection right now. I used to, and it was only recently (this last set of photos) that I felt that way. Maybe it's because I'm sort of numb right now. I don't really get overly happy or overly sad; so maybe this is just a phase. Hopefully. I mean, it might be easier for me if I didn't feel that overwhelming bond towards her, but I think I'd be sad if I lost that completely. She will always be my little girl in some way, so I don't want to feel as though she's a stranger.