Wednesday, July 20, 2011

There is, in fact, such a thing as a stupid question.

I've decided to put the rest of my little one's birth story on hold for a while. I got all of the details of her actual birth down on paper (so to speak!), and I realized I was trailing off in the direction of writing out each day up until I signed the papers, as well, and I didn't intend to go there. I think I will, for her, but not right now. It's still too hard to dig those out of my memory at the moment...even though I wouldn't have to do much digging since they nag at the corner of my mind daily.
I got out of work early today, at about 2:15 rather than 4:30, which was nice. Not so nice for my paycheck, but nice for me, because I got to catch up on a little sleep and a lot of homework. My mom's been home for a couple days with really bad back pain, so I texted her on my way home and asked if she wanted anything, like lunch, an iced tea from dunkie's, ice cream, whatever. She said that it would be nice if I brought home an ice cream, so I stopped at Dairy Queen and got her one. As I was in line, a woman got behind me with three boys, all of which appeared to be hers (looked just like her), and they were probably 7, 5, and 4, approximately. They were clearly very excited and hyper and kept screaming out the names of the 38 billion kinds of ice cream they wanted and yelling something about gummy bears. After I gave the girl at the window my order, I stepped to the side a little, because I wasn't sure if I should move so they could order and wait at the other window, or wait at the one I was at. The second I moved the boys ran up and took my place and she said to them "STOP IT! You just cut that lady! Apologize and GET BACK HERE!!" So I just looked at her and smiled and said "It's okay, I moved over!" and she sort of made this face towards them and said, "want a few boys? I'm sick of them, they're all yours, take em!" Now, I know she was kidding. And it was basically a harmless comment. Obviously I wouldn't spring something on her, like, "you should be thankful you have the resources to raise not one, but three boys, and you should be careful who you ask what because you don't know what the person you're talking to has been through!"....which was what I was thinking. I just gave her a halfway smile and turned around. A year and half ago that wouldn't have bothered me. In fact, I would have thought, "are you crazy!?!? NO!" but this time, it just made me miss my daughter even more. I know she didn't mean to upset me, as I said, it was an innocent comment and should be seen that way by me, too. But I couldn't help but let it get to me a little bit. I don't walk around with a sign on my forehead that says "I have a daughter who is being raised by parents a thousand times more capable than I," nor would I want to given the choice. So I can't expect people to not say things that will offend me. I've probably said something to offend someone today and didn't even realize it, you never know, because you don't know what someone's been through. I have told my own close friends that I don't want them to walk on eggshells around me; don't be afraid to tell me you're babysitting your neighbors newborn for a few hours...don't be afraid to talk about children with me, and don't try to avoid the baby section when we're at the store together. I appreciate it, I really do, but I don't want to be treated differently. I'm the same as the next person, I just have a different story, just like you, and you, and you.

I miss you, my little princess. I wonder what you're doing right at this very moment. I wonder if you're eating dinner or rolling around on the floor. I wonder if you're babbling away or laughing at your big brother. I wonder if you're napping, or already sleeping for the night. I'd like to say I wonder if you miss me, but I know you're too young for that...I know you don't. But that's the beauty of it. I miss you enough for both of us, but that's okay. I want to take on that pain so you don't feel it; as strange as it sounds to say it, I hope you never miss me. I don't want you to ever feel pain over longing for me. I want you to know in the back of your mind that I'm always here for you, while at the same time, not stepping on your Mom and Dad's toes. Just know that I loved you before you were born and the love I have for you grows more and more every day even though I can't be with you. You will always be my first born and you will always have my heart. <3


  1. This post is so touching. It's true, you never know who you're talking to when you say something. But your situation is difficult, because it doesnt really fall into the 'if you have nothing nice to say, dont say anything at all' category because she didnt know she was being 'mean'. That must be tough! In time I'm sure you'll react better to this situations... God wouldn't throw something at you that you couldn't handle! xx

  2. There are always things said withou the intention of hurting, but being someone who so badly wanted kids and couldn't have them, that kind of comment would always ALWAYS get to me, a tone of others too.