Mixed feelings

I'm excited because last year on my birthday, my mom gave me a framed 8 x 10 photo of my little girl that I had never seen before. She 'went behind my back' (haha) and asked C for some photos that I had never seen so she could surprise me. Well, my birthday is tomorrow, and I'm getting my hopes up that it may happen again. I know it's against my better judgement to get my hopes up about anything like that, but I can't help it!
I'm a little nervous, because I'm worried that I won't get a text or call or email from C tomorrow for my birthday. Call me selfish - yes, I know it sounds selfish - but I think I would be a little let down if I didn't hear from her. I know she has her life and I have mine and we are both (more so her) busy with our lives, and my world "revolves," if you will, around them/Arianna more than their lives revolve around me. I know that. But I would be lying if I said I wouldn't be just a teeny bit disappointed. My birthday doesn't mean much to me anymore, really. I'm working 9 - 5 and then going out to dinner and I already know what my gift is from my parents - a new camera! So in the grand scheme of things, it's definitely not as exciting as it used to be. Which is to be expected! Nothing would make my day more than a simple "happy birthday" from her, though. Even if she didn't send any photos, that's fine! I am blessed beyond belief to have been able to Skype with them for A's birthday, which is so much more important to me than my own. In a way, her birthday was my birthday too - a metaphoric birth from my old life into the one that I knew I needed to start living after her.
Am I selfish for feeling this way? For feeling a little nervous because even though tomorrow should and will be a happy day for me, part of me is worried about the hurt/disappointment that I'll feel if I don't hear from them?
The more I read what I'm writing, the more selfish I feel. I assure anyone who is reading this that it's not because I feel that I deserve recognition or that I am 'owed' an acknowledgement. I guess it would just be nice to know she was thinking of me. Then again, she constantly assures me that she is and that our daughter is lucky to have such an amazing birth family. So with that said, do I really need a 'happy birthday' text from them? I think not!
(This is the most back-and-forth post I think I've ever written. However, I answered my own question and that could very well be a first, too)!

Rather Blah

I'm having a rather "blah" day today. I don't know exactly why; no one has done anything to upset me or make me angry or anything. Maybe it's the humidity outside...who knows.

I don't want to dwell on it, though, I know that much! That picture kills me every time. It makes me smile no matter what!

The jungle is your head can't rule your heart

I'm home from work today. This is the third day that I haven't been to work this week! I'm going stir crazy. I felt really dizzy on Tuesday morning and felt like my room was spinning when I woke up. I thought it was just me being a little disoriented because it was around 3 a.m., so I rolled over and went back to sleep. When my alarm went off at 7:00, I grabbed my phone and tried to shut the alarm off but I kept seeing triple. I couldn't put my finger on the right part to turn the alarm off - I was aiming beside the phone, not at the phone, apparently. That freaked me out. When I stood up, I immediately felt like I was going to vomit, but didn't (THANK GOD). I hate throwing up. It scared me a lot (a lot, a lot, a wicked lot) because the last time I felt light headed and actually lost my balance and fell over, I was 8 months pregnant. Now, there's no way I could be 8 months pregnant right now, but I still had a flashback and it freaked me out even more), so I stayed home from work and made a doctor's appointment. Turns out I have vertigo. Which is scary in and of itself, because I was never told exactly what causes it, I was just given medication and sent on my way. I have since read and read and listened and listened and medication is said to do absolutely nothing for it. Instead, I'm doing some physical therapy at home that I found online. It's not the best source, but since my doctor wasn't a great deal of help, this will have to do.
I went to work yesterday and lost my balance about 8 times. By 10:30, the computer screen was just a smudge of black and white and I couldn't focus on anything. I called my mom and had her come get me, and we went back for my car later that night. I really shouldn't have driven to work in the first place, but I was feeling better, and heard that it can come and go - so I figured it had "gone." I couldn't even really go on my computer yesterday because I couldn't focus and straining my eyes made my head hurt, so I literally laid in my bed for about four hours, not sleeping. How completely boring.
I felt nauseous this morning and still fairly lightheaded, so I stayed home one more day. I'm really hoping to be able to go tomorrow, and drive myself there and back. I don't want this to debilitate me forever.

Perfect Summer Outfit

This is the outfit we picked out. I know, I'm a dork, but I know one day I may want to look back and see it. I like to have it all in one place!

 

Love these sunglasses. I would wear them if I could get away with it! (read: if they fit).

Easter & THIRD update!

I have been away for a while again - I've been immersing myself in my scrapbook and not spending too much time on the computer. I hope everyone who celebrated Easter had a good one! It's a tough holiday, not as bad as Christmas, but tough simply because it is centered around children. At least in the commercialized way. I suppose every holiday is like that, though, now that I think about it. Easter is really only hard when I see all of the beautiful dresses in all of the stores and I imagine what it would be like to actually be able to choose one for A and dress her up and take pictures. Oddly enough, one of the hardest aspects of this is thinking about the day-to-day things that I don't get to do. Yeah, it sucks to think about the future and how long the road is ahead of all of us involved (particularly on her birth side), but thinking about the little things kills me. What is she wearing today? Is she wearing a pretty dress? I wish I could pick out her outfits, I wish I could do her hair. There are so many hair bows, headbands, etc., that I would love to buy for her and put in her hair. Isn't that the best part of having a baby doll when you're little...doing her hair? And she has SO much of it. I remember how much I cried when I found out I was having a girl...not because I wanted a boy, actually, it was the opposite. I always said I didn't want children, but somewhere deep down, I could see myself with a little girl. So to find out that I was getting what I've always wanted at the same time that I realized that I couldn't have what I really wanted was really hard. I enjoyed hearing the words, "it's a girl!," but knew I wouldn't get to fully enjoy her myself.
Enough about the sad stuff! Right after I posted the picture of her Easter gifts, I sent an email to her amom double-checking that it was okay to send her something. I woke up in the morning to an email on my phone - but it was not from her (I could have sworn up and down that I filtered all of my spam mail to be automatically deleted, but apparently one sneaked through) and my heart dropped. Not because I expected an immediate reply, but just because that spam mail totally teased me. So, I forced my mind to go elsewhere and got ready for work. When I got to work, I looked at my phone out of habit, and there was an email! I rushed in so I could read it on my computer. It was from her! She said that of course it was absolutely fine if I sent a gift, and that they were heading to a nearby state to celebrate Easter. She also attached some pictures from the Easter egg hunt they went on that past Sunday...I was so happy. Here I was, thinking the world was literally ending (yes, literally) just a couple of weeks before this - and now here I was, looking at two photo updates within a week and a half of each other. It was great. I will post one or two pictures below! Her amom said that once she caught on to what she was supposed to do with the eggs, she loved it and grabbed as many as she could fit into her hands before she dropped any in her basket.
On Sunday, we had a holiday-less holiday in my house. It was low-key and we just stayed in and had dinner together. Earlier in the day, I spoke with her birthdad via text and told him that since they told me that they were going to be away for Easter, I thought I'd wait and mail her package on Monday so it wouldn't be sitting outside for too long. She doesn't know Easter's over anyways ;). I told him that since I had a little more time, there was something else I wanted to get her. I felt like I wanted to send a little more - not too much, but just a little more. He mentioned something about being around, and didn't come right out and ask, but eventually we discussed going shopping together. Now, this is the first time this has really happened. He said he would pay half of her Easter gift last week, but the one and only time I actually asked him to physically go and pick something out for her with me, he told me he "wasn't ready" to do that. It was her first Christmas, when she wasn't even two months old. I understood. It is so hard for me, too...on one hand, I want to burst into tears when I see all of the cute pink baby girl and toddler clothes. But on the other hand, I get to feel "close" to her when I'm doing it. And to see her actually wearing or playing with things I've sent her is an indescribable feeling. Any adoptive moms who read my blog, if you want to know a sure way to your baby's birthmom's heart, send her a picture like that!
Long story short, we went to Old Navy together and he truly shocked me. For one, I thought his idea of 'going with me' would mean going for the drive and staying in the car. He came in with me. Secondly, I thought he would wander around while I went straight for the little girl clothes, but he came with me and was by my side the whole time. I picked out an adorable pair of bright pink capri pants and was looking for a shirt to go with them. I turned around, and couldn't see him, but when he came back, he had the cutest pink shirt with silver butterflies and dark pink flowers on it that said "think happy thoughts!" It doesn't seem like a big deal - and trust me, my guard is and was still up with him, and it in no way negated all of the absolute bullshit he has put me through over the years - but there was something about him standing there with this teeny shirt in his hands, pointing out which color flowers matched the pants I had, that was adorable. There's just something about a grown man shopping for bright pink shirts, pants, and tutus that softens me a teeny bit. We picked out a pair of sparkly heart-shaped sunglasses to go with it, and then we left. We went to the 24-hour post office together (for the first time) and sent it off to her with a card. I was the only one who signed the card, and I didn't offer it up to him because he is still in a bit of a tizzy over the letter he got from them about the card he sent, and I didn't want to get him started. He was in a good mood, I was fine, and we were getting along fine, and I wasn't about to ruin it. I feel like I will need to write a post explaining some things about him in the near future, whenever I get in whatever sort of mood I have to be in to do it. Some people who are reading this are, I'm sure, thinking... "why are you even speaking to him?" (and they have every right to wonder that. Sometimes I wonder that, too. Other times, I don't. Confused would be an understatement).
Anyways, I sent an email to her amom afterwards, in reply to the one she had sent me on Thursday morning and to let her know I had put the package in he mail. I told her that G had helped me pick out the outfit and told her how much it means to me that she allows me to send her gits directly and how much it meant that we could share in that. She wrote back saying that we are too sweet and she can't wait to see the outfit. And, most importantly, she attached a few pictures from Easter! Her Easter dress was so beautiful. I have no words for how grateful I am right now - I have to reference this if/when a couple of months go by with no word from them again. It just plain sucked - the waiting - but I "made it" and can now see that the end result of all of my waiting has been experienced not twice, but three times in the past two weeks. Three photo updates! Unreal.
Now, for a couple pictures...

 At the egg hunt

So excited on Easter morning! She got the tiara in one of her baskets

I'm sending these to the little one for Easter!

I love any excuse to send little gifts to her, and I'm very blessed to be able to do so! One is from me and one is 'from' her birth dad (they were only $10 each, plus $6 for the tutu, but if he wants to help out, it's more than fine by me). This year she'll really be able to enjoy the holiday, which is great. This past weekend they went to an egg hunt at a nearby school. Hopefully I'll get to see pictures of that soon - she did say she'd send some, but I don't want to get too spoiled after that huge update she sent last week!

Still Giddy

Finally! I am so happy to be able to write this post. She sent me 68 pictures....68! Not many people were happier than I was when I saw them. She included pictures from Christmas, playing in the snow, and even a couple of her bedroom, which I hadn't seen since last year. At that time, it was really just a crib, dresser, and changing table. Now it's filled with pink - pink photo frames on the walls, pink toys scattered all around the room, pink curtains and a pink canopy type thing over her crib. I wish it was my bedroom!!

I called her birthdad at 4 in the morning when I read the email, but his phone was off. Didn't pay the bill! Oddly enough, he called me around 9 anyways and left a voice mail saying he hoped everything was okay and that he hoped she had emailed since the time I last spoke to him (Thursday). I called him back on my lunch, and he sounded so truly happy. It made me feel so good, and in a way, it made me feel proud. I'm not sure of what exactly, but I just had that feeling. He said that he was excited to see the photos, but what he was most happy about was the fact that I was happy. It was a good conversation and I came to the realization that getting 'over' him completely was the step I needed to take in order for us to have a relatively normal 'relationship.' We are now able to be friends - not "friends" friends, like my other friends are to me - but friends when we need to be. I did text him today to wish him a Happy Birthday. But enough about him!!
She looks like she is about three years old. She is so tall. Oh, and I forgot - she got her first haircut last month! Her first real haircut since we cut a few pieces of her hair at the hospital for me to keep with her baby stuff. I never thought I'd get to see photos of that, so those ones mean a lot to me. She will be starting pre pre-school in the summer (who even knew that existed? I didn't, hahaha), two days a week. Apparently, she is already a social butterfly anyways. Her adoptive mom said "She smiles at you and you feel like you have been blessed by an angel.   I can’t take her anywhere without her making friends with her smiles" which brought tears to my eyes! Her smile permeates the pictures, so I can only imagine.
She made sure to include pictures of her in the hat and jacket I sent her for Christmas, as well as the Dora shirt I sent and the pink shirt and pink tutu I sent her for Valentine's Day! Honestly, it made me feel guilty for ever doubting the fact that she would hold up her end of the communication agreement. And, in the photo of her bedroom, the bear I made her at build-a-bear was sitting on a shelf with some of her toys. There aren't any words for how that made me feel! She could have posed her for the pictures in the outfits, but you can tell that the teddy bear is an everyday object in her room.

I felt like I had a lot more to say, but my attention span is at a negative level at the moment. I will surely have more to say about it soon! For now, a couple photos that I just have to share. She is her (birth) father's twin!

And lastly, my favorite:


This is her reading the card I sent her for Christmas!

GOOD News!

She wrote back!!! Sent a lot of pictures and an amazing update! I can't even process all that she said in the update because (a) it's 4:08 am and (b) I am so over the moon at the simple fact that I got one, that I can't soak in what it says. I pray that this day at work flies by, because I plan to be planted in front of my laptop from 5:30 til whenever I go to sleep, looking at these. I was right - she has drastically changed, but she is the most beautiful little girl I've ever seen! I may be a bit biased. I couldn't go back to sleep without at least skimming the photos. Ahhhhh! I could cry. Happy tears this time! Now I'm going to go text her birthdad with the good news and try and get some sleep (laughable!) until my alarm goes off at 7.

Thank you all for your kind words during what was probably the second toughest thing I've gone through in regards to the adoption as a whole. You don't know how much it lifted my spirits, even just to know others had been there, or other adoptive moms agreed with my worries.

Good night (or morning)!

I'm making up for my lack of posting...two in one day!

Just sent another email. I thought about calling, but that's something I haven't done since placement (emails, text, and Skype only so far), so I thought I would keep that as a "last resort." I said in the email that it was no longer a matter of my desire for photos and an update as much as it was a matter of concern at this point. Of course I can never get enough photos, and I can't even imagine how much she has changed in the past 3 - 4 months. A lot, I'm sure. I came right out and said that I am nervous and scared, and although I trust her and appreciate all she has does for me, I can't help but be very worried. So, even if I don't get pictures as soon as I'd like (which would be, oh, yesterday) I hope she can at least decipher my tone in the email and see that I am literally shaking with anxiety over this. I don't feel like this is "it," like they are closing the adoption...and I can tell from Facebook that they all seem to be okay, so I'm not worried about anything too serious going on...but I am letting this get the best of me, for sure. It's not healthy. At least if I knew that the adoption was closing, I could try to get my bearings all over again and start to learn new ways to cope with that. But that's not the case (I don't think, at least I hope not), so I'm sort of in limbo, going to bed every night with hope and waking up to see nothing. It's frustrating! Thank you to all of my friends (in person and in the blog world) who have put up with me for the past few months and supported me through this, as best as you know how. Even if it means just listening to me vent about it, or letting me cry over it in front of you. I hope it comes to an end soon, and then, I'll be back!

The past few months...

I figured I would write about some other things that have been going on in my life...rather than focusing on the missing update(s). Maybe it'll take my mind off of it for a few minutes. Some other considerably big things have been going on, too! I was hush hush about it at first, because I didn't know how it would unfold or where it would end up - such is life, right? - but now that I know the destination, I feel more comfortable talking about it.
Back in January, a friend convinced me, almost jokingly, to set up a profile on a dating site. I have nothing against online dating/meeting, especially since 9 out of 10 of my friends have met people that way. I'll never meet anyone out at a bar (I don't drink) nor will I meet anyone at work (I work with all females), but I was still more than apprehensive about it. It's been suggested to me before, so I could talk to another guy and he could serve as somewhat of a distraction for me. That's not fair to a guy, nor is it fair to me, so I always said I simply wasn't ready for a relationship or even another companionship. I honestly have enough trouble maintaining my inner relationship with myself right now, how could I maintain a relationship with someone else? Especially a romantic one? Anyways, one night at a friend's house and a homemade dinner later, we found ourselves on her computer, googling the best way for me to "find love." Hahaha. She was enthusiastic, I was still skeptical. Before even signing up, we did a search, and we saw someone who would be 'perfect' for me. (As perfect as you can conclude that a person is just from seeing their photo and their 50-character bio). I decided that I would sign up, if only to talk to him.
Fast forward a few days, he messaged me and we talked back and forth for a while and then he gave me his number and asked me if I'd like to text him instead. He was great - great personality, good sense of humor, just my kind of guy. He was 28, mature, had his degree, a good job, his own place, a nice car (if you know me, you know my passion for cars!), and a beautiful smile. And sleeves on both arms (can you say sexy?) We got along so well, and it felt like a friendship I had had for my entire life. He told me about his family, his past, his future, and he was truly on the same page as me as far as a relationship goes. It seems cliche to say you want to take things slow and develop a solid friendship first, but that was truly what I wanted and what he wanted as well. I was just testing the waters.
I've learned from a lot of friends who have tried online dating that a lot of men will jump right into talking about sex - when they're going to get it, how they're going to get it, and how quickly you're willing to do it with no commitment. That's not me at all. That's never been my frame of mind, especially not having been with one person - and being with that one person for over three years. A's birthdad is the only person I "know" in that way, and the only person that knows me. To say I was comfortable with him would be an understatement, and the thought of being intimate with someone else frankly scared the shit out of me. Anyways, towards the beginning of February, we finally met up and had dinner. We hung out a few more times after that, and always had a laugh and he made me feel really happy. He never brought up sex - the second time we hung out, he did kiss me goodbye, but didn't try anything else. He seemed to have a level of respect that I was honestly shocked by. He took my mind off of waiting for the pictures, because while I wasn't waking up to an email on my phone, at least I was waking up to a text message from him. (Which is in no way a replacement for the photos by any means, but at least I could balance the ups with the downs a little bit).
I told him about Arianna. He was shockingly comfortable with it and even asked to see pictures of her. I thought for sure he would clam up; not know what to say or how to handle me from that point on. He was absolutely fine, though. Emphatic, even. I eventually did sleep with him. I'm not one to broadcast things like that (I will talk details with close friends, what girl doesn't?) but it's important, because it's something that I could hardly see myself doing. I knew I would be with someone else eventually, but to actually physically do it, was scary. I thought I would be uncomfortable and spend the majority of the time thinking about someone else, comparing, contrasting, feeling bad - but I didn't.
I would be lying to you if I said I felt 'ready' to be in a relationship with someone at the moment, but I would also be lying to you if I told you that I would have said no if he asked. Whenever it was brought up, I sort of shied away from it, not knowing if I was ready to emotionally invest in another person. Things were fine the way they were, and we had only been talking for a month and a half or so, anyways, so I told myself to just enjoy what was happening and to enjoy the mental break from thinking about her birthdad.
So, fast forward to mid-march, when we had been talking for around 2 months and hanging out almost every weekend. The long and short of it is he asked me if he could borrow money because his phone was about to be turned off. That was a red flag for me right there - I know, I know that I have some residual trust issues. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, while still keeping my guard up with him, because I was lied to so much by A's birthdad that I started to assume everything that sounded bit off was a lie. People were guilty until proven innocent in my mind. Which is not fair to anyone, not even myself. But I need to learn to get past that and realize that he is not him. That's what I told myself to do, and I found a way to keep my guard up and still let myself care and be cared about. I was skeptical at first, and told him that I didn't have any money to lend him that week. (I did have the money, but I wasn't going to look like a fool and hand out the kind of money he was asking for). He told me later that day that his phone was going to be shut off. I was sad, and my mind instantly went to that 'bad place' and thought that this was his way of not talking to me anymore. The next morning, he texted me from another number and said that he had borrowed a family member's phone so he could talk to me. Aww, how sweet, how thoughtful - nope! I almost let myself think that, but didn't. Again, he asked for the money, again, I told him no and to stop being so pushy. I changed the topic of conversation, and we talked like we had been for the past couple months. All was fine, even though, in the back of my mind I was still pissed about the money. The next day, I get an email at work from him, saying he misses me and he had to give the phone back to his family member. Oh, how cute - he went as far as to email me. Too bad he didn't go as far as to delete the "sent from my iPhone" tag at the end of the email. He had an Android whenever I saw him - not an iPhone. I didn't want to jump down his throat - maybe he logged into his email from a friend's iPhone. I questioned it, and he eventually admitted that he wanted the money for an iPhone. Does he get points for admitting it? I suppose so. But he acted as if admitting it absolved him from trying to con me out of money in the first place. What kind of person does that? So I told him that I was done...reminded him that he knew how important trust was to me (we spoke about our past relationships) and that he had no problem breaking that trust before we were even in a relationship, just so he could get a new phone. He went as far as texting me from another number and emailing to convince me that his phone was off. The phone was never off. That's lower than low.
I do miss him, I miss talking to him, and other than that *pretty big* screw up on his part, he was a great guy. The kind of person I could see myself with. Oh well, I suppose. I did learn something valuable, though. I proved to myself that there is life after A's birthdad, that I can move on, and that I am capable of having feelings for someone else. It was the little push that I really needed. So, even though this guy ended up really getting under my skin with his phone story, I've gotta thank him for showing me that I can move on. And if there is one guy who can make me realize that, then there will be another, when the time is right. Right now, I am not looking for anyone. I made the profile with the intent of talking to this guy only, and it was perfect for a while, but now that it's over, so is my stint in the dating world for a while. In my heart, I really feel that even though I am capable of moving on, I'm still not fully ready in a way that would be fair to the guy. I'm too emotional right now, and wrapped up in the email issue. Once that passes (please God, let it pass), I think I will be back to myself again (for the most part).

Side note: as I was typing this, I took a break and went on Facebook, only to see that a-dad just posted a picture of some new stuff he must have gotten for work, and in the background there was a pink sippy-cup lying on the couch. I hate the fact that that is the closet thing to my daughter that I have seen in so long! Arghhhhhhhh. Maybe I will call her, or email once more today. She has given me so many platforms with which to talk to her - home address, email address, home & cell phone numbers, Facebook, and Skype. So I am not abusing my privileges or wearing out my welcome by utilizing 2 out of the 6 ways I have to get in touch with her. 

Terrified

I'm getting really scared. It's this immobilizing fear. I was looking through my email, and last year around this time, I received pictures on January 3rd, January 31st, February 13th, March 3rd, March 19th, April 5th, and April 19th (my birthday). Now I've gone from November 25 til ???.
Maybe I was spoiled by the 'first year' excitement and all of the photos of her adjusting and changing into a one-year-old. Maybe all of that contact led me on...led me to believe it would never waver, although I knew deep down that eventually it would. I never thought it would be like this, though. This silence truly is deafening.

3rd contact...now, I wait

I sent another email last night. I don't know if that's being overbearing or pushy or what but it's the last one I'm going to send. I have waited almost 3 weeks since I was 'promised' a 'nice big update this weekend,' and a total of 3 months since the original promise was made. I wouldn't wait that long for a friend to follow through on a promise, but I have to wait for her. Just wait, and wait, and wait, because she holds my world in her arms and there's nothing I can do to change the situation other than send a friendly 'reminder.' I was nice in the email, and I simply said that I wanted to see if she had gotten a second to send something, because I was really looking forward to it. This is my 2nd email to her about this, (plus a text message) and I even said to her that I felt like a pain for asking again.

I wish I could find a way to explain that it's not the amount of time that bothers me as much as it is the broken promises. She is the one person I cannot and do not want to lose trust in. How can I not 'trust' the woman who is my child's mommy? I can't fathom it. I don't want to think about it and I don't want it to get to that point.

I talked with her father (bio) about this and he said that if she doesn't email by the end of the month, to let him know and he will write to her. She did say in the letter that she sent him that she'd be sending pictures to me soon and that she was sure I would share them with him, but if I didn't, to let her know and she would send him a set. So he can play dumb (won't be too hard - sorry, was that harsh?) and tell her I never showed him the photos so he would like his own copies. I know, I know...lying to her is awful. I'm desperate here.

How much?

How much disappointment can one person take? I don't care if this post sounds melodramatic (I don't care if that statement alone sounds melodramatic) but I am teetering between being really sad and just being plain old angry at the moment. I hate being let down. Doesn't everyone? I have no problem, NO PROBLEM at all with receiving pictures of A every few months as opposed to every single month (and sometimes more). I am fine with that. I am grateful for every single bit of her life that is shared with me through words and pictures and if her parents decide they want to cut out communication back to every few months rather than once a month, that is fine with me. Would I be happy? No, not really. But would I live? Yes. I will learn to live with it eventually - I am still trying to learn to live with my new life as a whole. I can adapt to it. I will make myself adapt to it. Looking forward to those emails are one of the few things that keeps me going. I hate going through this, but I would never get to feel that infinite happiness that I feel when I get the emails had I not gone through the infinite pain of losing my daughter. That happiness, which is untouchable by any other person, place, or thing, is amazing. That's all I want. I don't need it 12 times a year. 3 or 4 times a year is fine - hell, less would be fine if I knew. If I knew the rules.

I have had to unlink my email account from my phone because I was constantly checking for the notification that I got an email and it never came. Every morning when I woke up to a blank screen, it set the tone for my entire day. That is not how I want to live my life!

Again - I don't mean to sound ungrateful. That could not be any further from the truth. I just don't like being promised something over and over again, to no avail.

Two weeks ago yesterday, I got the email from her saying she would email that weekend. That email was in response to the text message she sent me two weeks before that, saying she was sorry it has taken so long and she 'promises to email tonight.' That text was in response to the text I had sent her two days prior, to ask about the email she had promised to me almost 2 months before that. A little crazy, no? It makes me wonder if there are no intentions of sending me pictures and those responses are being given to me to satisfy me in the moment, or if she truly means it and loses track of time. I want to believe that it's the latter - but I have seen and heard so many horror stories, that I just can't be sure.

Please keep your fingers crossed that she emails this weekend! We have always had great, consistent, honest communication and that was what made me so proud of my decision. That was 80% of what got me through the first few months - the constant updates and pictures. I knew that would wane, naturally, but I didn't know that I would be strung along for almost 3 months about a set of photos. Especially Christmas photos (of all times).

There are birth moms who absolutely love their adoption and haven't looked back once. Of course they hurt, but they find the positive in it and are truly, truly happy with the decision that they made.

There are birth moms who regret their decision and hate it every day of their lives, and just want their babies back. They have been lied to by the a-parents in some cases, or even if they haven't, they still simply feel they made the wrong decision.

Right now, I am in the middle of those two groups of women (and men). I am proud of my choice and knowing that my daughter has two parents and will want for nothing and will always be loved more than she can imagine makes me extremely happy. There are days that I "regret" it and wish she were with me - days that I feel that it's so unfair that girls in similar situations have their children beside them all the time, to hug, kiss, and hold - and I don't. There are days that I want to tell the world how amazing adoption is, and there are days that I want to advise anyone considering it to run the other way. I'm still new to all of this. A is not even a year and a half old yet. I know that I am torn.

But I don't want to be pushed over the line to the other side - the side with the people who fully regret it, and literally hate their choice every day of their lives. No matter what happens, I trust that my daughter will be trusted, loved, and safe for the rest of her life. And don't get me wrong - that is what's most important to me. Needing the photos is a selfish need on my part, I know this. Her health, well-being, and quality of childhood come first. But I can't sit here and tell you that if her parents were to cut off communication, that I will not completely crash and start to really regret it.

Small World

I'm still waiting *patiently* for the photos of my little one. It's been since her first birthday - granted, we did get to Skype with her and that was the  happiest I've felt since the moment I got to hold her - but still, that was a while ago. She turned sixteen months on the 2nd, and I'm really, really feeling the lack of communication. I got spoiled getting photos once a month (sometimes more) for the first year, and we never discussed slowing down or anything after she turned one. As I might have said, I talked to the a-mom on Christmas and she promised to send pictures as soon as they were back from their trip a few states over. The pictures never came, but the email about their displeasure with G did - as well as a promise that the pictures would come 'next weekend.' Well, next weekend came and went, as did the next, and the next (you get the idea). I sent her a text two weeks ago today, saying I just wanted to make sure everyone and everything was okay, and that I was looking forward to seeing the photos whenever she got a chance. She did write back, said she was very  sorry and promised to send an email that night.
I never got that email. I know things come up, but when you promise to do something and you can't follow through with it, can't you at least touch base to say you won't be sending pictures but want that person to know you didn't just 'forget' about them? It started to freak me out, and after a week had gone by, I sent her an email. I didn't want to come off as pushy in the email at all, because pissing her off in any way will get me nowhere. They hold all of the power now - something that doesn't make me too happy, but it's the price I have to pay for my daughter to have a chance at an amazing life. So I will live with it with a smile on my face.
They didn't hesitate to let "us" know when they were upset with G, so I thought I should put some of my feelings on the table, because of course when the email does come I will be thanking her up and down, and if I hadn't sent this email. she might think that the three/four months of no pictures didn't bother me at all, and it's not healthy for me to keep it all bottled up. I do not demand photos once a month or anything remotely close to that - all I expect is that when I am apologized to about something and subsequently promised something, I expect that it will be followed through with. I expect that of anyone. But this is the most fragile, delicate relationship on earth, and I have to remind myself to treat it as such.
This is the email I sent:

Hi C,

I am writing to double check on the email that you said was on my way last Monday night. I don't mean to nag and I definitely don't mean to come off as demanding whatsoever but I know you are a person of your word, so when you promised to send pictures last week, I hoped to see them maybe not that night but sometime within the week. I want you to know that I do respect your schedule and I do respect that life gets in the way of things sometimes!
My email on my phone occasionally deletes messages before I read them or diverts them to different folders automatically and I can't find them, so I was in part checking to see if you did in fact email and I didn't receive it.
As a mother, I know you can understand where I'm coming from when I say that the time between now and last Christmas feels like centuries when you know your child is still a baby and growing and changing every single day. She looks different to me from month to month and honestly it has been killing me not only to not see her for the past few months, but to be waiting and looking forward to an email that was promised but hasn't come.
We have all promised to have open and honest communication all the time, so that we can fix any issues that may arise as they come.....and from my side of this, this has become a bit of an issue and it is tough to address because the last thing I want to do is cause tension or do anything to risk my relationship with you. I am comfortable with sending this second email because I have come to love you almost like an extended family and thank you from the bottom of my heart for doing what I couldn't do properly for A.. But this is still very hard for me, and pictures of her make it a little easier and mean the world to me.
I hope you can understand where I'm coming from in this, as it is hard to express in email.
Talk to you soon,
Elizabeth

I'm not sure if it was too mean, too nice, or what. I honestly think I was (in part) freaking out due to all of the adoption talk I've been involved in online lately. I removed myself from a Facebook birthmom group because it started to put ideas in my head that had nothing to do with me. I read about so many girls whose adoptions had closed, and it started out by the adoptive parents putting more and more distance between them. I started to realize that despite the fact that I have a wonderful relationship with her adoptive parents, them closing the adoption is a possibility that I always will be harshly aware of. I pray to GOD it doesn't happen, every day that I wake up. It's the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing on my mind at night. So, in reading how frequently it happened, I convinced myself it was happening to me. When I do get the update, and I write back to thank her, I will mention this to her so maybe it can be put into a little more perspective.

I read the email to one of my close friends who has been dealing with me and the funk I've been in for the past couple months over this and she said the email was very well-written and that I should definitely send it as-is. She said it was very respectful but still subtlety sent the message that I was upset. I then double checked with G to see if he thought it was too "bitchy" and he said it sounded perfect, so off it went to her.

I sent it on Tuesday afternoon and got a response from her on Thursday morning. She said that no, she hadn't had a chance to send anything yet but it was because she had a 'get it done or get fired' deadline at work, which she has had for the past seven weeks. She said the due date was tomorrow (Friday) for her project at work, said she was sorry and asked me to hang in there a few more days, and she promises to send a nice big update for me. She ended the email with a smiley face - which is a good sign. So now, I'm just waiting as patiently as possible and hoping it comes by the end of today.

In other news, I've come full circle back to my realization that I want to get away from here. So many things remind me of G, A, and all of the memories that I either want to forget because they hurt or want to forget because they were great and missing them hurts. And to top it off, last night my friend and I (the same one who read the email, knows the whole story about G and the baby) wanted to grab something in a supermarket, so we went into one in town...one that we normally wouldn't go to because it's out of the way. When we were walking in, I got a sick feeling in my stomach and kept thinking that I was going to see someone in there that I didn't want to see. Sure enough, we were in line checking out and I was finished and waiting for my friend. She called me over and said 'did you see what I just saw?' and I asked her what, and she said 'C is here. And K.' My heart almost pounded out of my chest. K is A's biological half-sister, and C is her mother who is not my biggest fan (nor is she mine). I just didn't want a confrontation, I just wasn't in the mood, and I was ready to get out of there. As my friend and I were walking to her car, they came out of the store, too. Seeing her walking, holding her daughters hand as they walked to her car made me almost burst into tears. Inside I was screaming about how unfair it was. How can he father two children, and one of the women walks beside his child, holds his child, spends time with his child, and the other woman sits here writing in a blog about how she doesn't do those things with his child? I hated seeing them. Hated it. This world is just too small. K (who is 5, almost 6) had no idea that the biological mother of her little half-sister was in the same place at the same time as her. In fact, K may not even know she has a little sister. I kept imagining what it would be like if I had A with me at that moment, and K knew who she was from spending time with her on weekends or whatever. Would she come up and say hi, would A start clapping her little hands because she was happy to see her sister? Would her mother just look me up and down or would there be pleasantries exchanged? I'll never know, but I guess that's the beauty of it. That is the drama that I didn't want my child around - that and a million other forms of it that would come as part of a package deal with her birth father.

Lately, I've just been reminded of what I'm lacking. It's hard. I honestly think once I see photos of her, I'll ease up on myself a bit. I won't take things so hard, my heart won't be so heavy. I hope!

Dependents: 0

It's that time of year again...tax time. I actually already got my taxes filed and returned to me, but it wasn't filling them out that bothered me, it was reviewing my tax return itself. I looked over the highlighted lines and the one that says "Dependents . . . . ____" along with my photocopied "0" stuck out like a sore thumb. I don't know if that will ever not sting a little. Even when and if I have another child, I'll be writing "1" where I feel I should be writing "2," and so on and so on. I know I don't have any 'dependents,' obviously, I know this. But I did have a 'dependent' for two days in the hospital, as well as for nine months in my belly. So any time I have to write down a "0," a "none," or a "no" when filling out any type of form or even some job applications, it sucks. Plain and simple - it just sucks. I went to a new doctor a couple of months ago and I had to fill out the usual form about my medical history and next to pregnancies I wrote "1," next to live births I wrote "1," and next to people in my household, I wrote "3." I then went on to say that it was me, my mother, and my father - which was a guaranteed set up for an awkward situation when the doctor overlooks that and asks "how's the baby?"
I guess it's going to take a long time for me to get used to thinking of myself as a mother from my heart and soul's point of view, but being a single 23 year old with no children in society's point of view (if it ever happens at all).

The More Things Change, the More They Stay the Same

Wow, it's been a while.

I apologize if this is repetitive, scattered, or nonsensical at certain points. I didn't proofread it or even skim over it after I stopped typing. I felt like I was in a creative writing class where they say "start writing - NOW" and when the time is up, pencils are down, and what you wrote is what you wrote and you can't change it.

Truth be told, I've been putting off writing because I felt as though this post could get very negative, very quick. I suppose I should rewind about a month or so - back to Christmas. I wished Arianna's family a Merry Christmas via Facebook and she wrote back the next day thanking me and telling me that she hoped we had a great holiday as well. She also said that she would send photos as soon as they got back from visiting family in New York, and I wrote back that I couldn't wait and was happy that the kids had a great holiday. Now, fast forward about a week or so (or however long January 3rd is from then), I received an email from her telling me that she was almost finished organizing all of the photos from the holidays and she promised to send them soon. Sounds all well and good, right? Well, she then said she wanted to give me the 'heads up' about something.

When A's birthdad sent her her Christmas present from him, he signed the card 'your loving father, _____.' This offended the aparents, and she said she just wanted to let me know that along with her thank you card and photos that she was going to send him, she was also going to include a letter asking him not to refer to himself that way anymore. My first feeling was anger - not at C but at A's birthdad. I couldn't understand where he got off calling himself that...where he had the audacity (this being the FIRST thing he has ever sent to her, the first interaction he has had with her family since signing the papers) to call himself "her loving father." I wrote back to her, apologizing on his behalf and she wrote back explaining that that is a term she would rather reserve for her dad who raises her each day. I wholeheartedly agreed with her, and she in turn told me that I am kind and wise beyond my years (what a compliment!). She told me she was going to put a 'gentle' letter in the mail for him, and just wanted to be sure that I would assure him that he is more than welcome to send gifts and letters in the future, and that this is just a teeny little bump that they want to discuss with him and then we can all move on. I've mentioned to her before that he and I don't talk - but I've also mentioned that I share my photos with him (via email), so she probably just thought she was covering all of her bases by letting me know. I appreciated her letting me know, but at the same time, I wish I had never become involved in it.

A week or so after that, I got a phone call from G and he was livid. He had gotten the letter and was about to go through the roof. He asked me if I wouldn't mind meeting up with him to talk about it, because he knew he was being irrational and wanted to talk with someone. Against my better judgement, I went and met up with him. It was actually one of the better meetings we've had in the past year (+), and part of me actually truly felt for him. He was upset, and I can honestly see both sides. I agree with her aparents for saying that they deserve the term 'loving father,' but I also see where G is coming from, too. While I myself could not fathom signing a card 'your loving mother,' I do know that he is dealing with this a lot differently. No excuse, I know. But he told me he signed the card that way because he still is her father in a way, and he loves her. I have to state the obvious: adoption would be a thousand times simpler without the titles, terms, and names. I will always think of her as my child, and I don't think of myself as her mother or her birthmother. When it comes to her, I'm Elizabeth - plain and simple, just like he is G. His argument was that the aparents are just being insecure about their titles, and that if 'our daughter' gets sick and needs a kidney, they will ask who the 'mother and father'  are, and that's 'me and him.'

I would be lying if I said I didn't see his point. I would also be lying if I said I didn't see their point, as well. Part of me feels for him...I really do. He can be an asshole, a jerk, self-centered, and all of the above, but I know he didn't mean to offend them. I told him that I strongly think he would write back to them, because while he's not ready for a relationship to develop between him and them, the adult thing to do is to acknowledge that he received the letter and share his thoughts. He asked me to proofread it when the time comes, because he and I both know his temper is off the charts. I told him that he should try and let them know that their letter upset him but also maintain a very high level of respect, as they are doing a damn good job raising our/their little girl.

The one part of the letter that got to me was the part where she said 'mother and father are reserved for us, as we raise her every day. We are proud of our earned titles.' After reading that part, I honestly couldn't blame him for being a little put off by it. He and I both know that they earned the titles of mom and dad and we respect that (well, I can only speak for myself, and I know that I do), and we thank them for doing an amazing job at what we couldn't do. But to stress it in the way that it was stressed in the letter was a bit of a slap in the face. I've never felt angry with them, though, and don't want to start now. I'm terrified to admit that I might feel even a little anger towards them. I can't put my finger on why, other than the fact that I truly never have before. Maybe I have rose-colored  glasses on. I really don't know.

All in all, that's really all that's gone on in the past month or so. He and I talked it over a couple of times and he has promised to let me proofread his letter before he sends it, and that's all I can ask for. I'm glad that he is stepping up and communicating with them, rather than acting pissed off and childish and just letting it slide when he's upset.

I'm still waiting on pictures. I'm getting a little antsy over it, but I'm really trying hard to keep myself under control (emotionally). I want to see pictures of her so badly it's not even fathomable. I think I may send her a short, friendly email tonight and just say that I know she is busy but that I am really looking forward to those photos whenever she gets a chance to send them. It has been 6 weeks since she promised them. That's a long time. I'll let her know that I appreciate any little thing she sends my way, too, so I don't come off as demanding in the email.

I hope to start writing more, I really do. It really has become an outlet for me because talking to friends who aren't in my shoes is pretty tough most of the time. People try, and I appreciate it, but it's hard to talk about how I feel with someone who can't begin to imagine. I assume it's easy to think you know how I 'must' feel, but it's really something you don't get until you've lived it. And while my adoption has many, many positive aspects to it, this is a life I wouldn't wish on any of my friends (that's just me being completely honest).

What Keeps Me Smiling

This is what keeps me smiling throughout the day at work...looking to my left and seeing this little angel.

Writer's Block

I've had serious writers block lately. It's funny, because I've had the most to talk about in the past month or so and I've only posted 2 or 3 times. Maybe I have so much to say that I don't know where to start, I don't know. I do know, though, as soon as I get in the mood to write, I will. I write not only as an outlet to relieve stress or built-up emotions, but also as a way to remember when I start to forget. That's why I wrote down A's birth story - I never want to forget a second of it. I still remember it like it was yesterday, but I know in time that memory will fade a little. I'm happy I have it written down not only for myself, but for her as well.

She is doing so well. She's so tall and looks like a little mini grown-up. Her hair is ever growing and growing and I wish so badly that I could do her hair in pretty bows and headbands and whatnot...

I had my appointment with my OB/GYN to get my Mirena removed today. I don't know if I've talked about that on here or not, but I have gained a considerable amount of weight since last Spring (when I had lost the 'baby weight') and after researching online, I finally put two and two together and realized that I gained all of that weight within a few months of getting the Mirena. I was told it wasn't a common side effect, but should have known that if it would happen, it would happen to me (I don't have good luck with birth control). My doctor told me today that it can be a side effect and that she could surmise from looking at my weight chart that that was probably the culprit. She also told me that it can not only cause a woman to gain weight, but it can also hinder you from losing it. So, I weighed the options and had it removed. She told me that there's a good possibility that I could see the weight just fly off with little to no diet changes or exercise changes. So that lifted my spirits, as you can imagine. And the best news: I've lost 8 pounds since giving up soda on Christmas day. I will have one glass if I go out to dinner (which has only been twice since then) but I won't get a refill, and I've completely stopped drinking mountain dew cold turkey. I had to. I was drinking a disgusting amount a day, and there was always a 2 liter (or 2 or 3) in the house at all times. I haven't touched it since the 25th of December and I feel like I am finally in control of it.

To anyone who has never had a 'comfort food' or 'comfort drink,' this all may seem really silly. But it was a pretty high mountain to climb for me. I drank it because I thought it made me happy...then I would look in the mirror and hate the way I looked, so I would turn to food/soda again to make me get back that 'happy' feeling. It finally hit me one day that whether or not I drink soda, my daughter still has a different mommy. Her birth father still is...her birth father (enough said). Those problems, issues, and relationships don't change because I've temporarily satisfied a little hole somewhere inside me...because nothing ever can or will fill those holes. I just have to learn to live with them, since they will forever be a part of me now. I'd rather have those empty spaces and feel good about myself and be healthy than have those empty spaces and a bottle of soda in my hand...

I'll write about something of substance soon! I'm still waiting on pictures of my little one...fingers crossed that they will come tonight!

A Happy(ish) New Year, Indeed

BIG NEWS....I got a job! Full time, weekdays only, and a considerable pay increase from my per-diem job at the veterinary hospital. Today was only my second day, but I love it so far. It's for the global corporate office of a huge coffee chain that's spread across the world. (You all probably know where I'm talking about, but I don't want to write it out because I don't want Google to link this post to the company).The atmosphere is great and so far everyone I've met has been friendly - and for the most part, they're people my age (something I'm not totally used to at work)!

School starts up again in about a week and a half so I have a positive outlook on that, too. I'm only taking two classes this semester so I'm going to enroll in a night class and an online class (or maybe two online classes instead) because I can't take morning classes with my new work schedule.

So, all is well. Or, all was well, til I went grocery shopping with my dad...and guess what made me cry? These:

I don't know what got into me, but I had a definite loss of control. This is the first type of food that my little girl was able to feed herself and when we Skyped for her birthday, she was clapping her hands and grabbing the bottle of these, waving it around in her teeny hand, putting it back down with such concentration, clapping her hands again, and picking it up again. Over and over. Picking them up out of her mom's hand with her little thumb and pointer finger and eating them with a huge grin on her face.

I just miss her, so much...

Right Around the Corner

So, it's been a few days. I did have a conversation with my daughter's mom that I have a feeling I may want to reflect on soon...but not right now. And that photo, of course, is from this past Christmas day :)

I had to go in town today for an interview at a recruiting agency, which happened to be across the street from the adoption agency A's birthdad and I went through. Like, directly across from it, as in, I had to stare at it during the entire time I was waiting for the woman who was interviewing me. I wondered if I should go in and say hello to the counselor, maybe show her an updated picture or two (since her family and I contact one another directly with full disclosure, nothing goes through the agency), but I didn't know if I would crack. The last time I was in that agency was October 30th, 2010, and I was 9 months pregnant, and G and I were meeting her potential family for the very first time. Last time I set foot in there, he was by my side and I was waddling off the elevator.

Fast forward to my interview being over, and me turning on my tunnel vision and crossing the street and walking through the doors. I went up to the sixth floor, down the hall to the door, and knocked. No one was there. It makes sense, I suppose, if she has no prospective birthparents, she doesn't sit around the office when she can make phone calls from home. I suppose it was a blessing, because I handled being in the building pretty well, but who knows what would have happened if I laid eyes on that tan couch and fake plant which was meant to bring a sense of serenity to those of us who were sitting there in tears. Or if I saw the generic toys in the corner that A's big brother played with during our meeting, while she was still somersaulting in my belly. Who knows?

I left, walked back to the stop that my public transportation came to, and was sort of lost in my own head. Replaying that October over and over in my head. Consequently, I got on the wrong train (right direction, yet still, the wrong train) and freaked out a little. I've lived here my whole life, but never really relied on public transportation and therefore I get confused (as well as freaked out) easily. I got off at a stop that sounded familiar to me, and despite the fact that I studied the map up and down, I couldn't figure out how to switch trains and get back to where I needed to be. So I called my dad, who knows this entire state practically like the back of his hand, since he owns his own business and works wherever work takes him. I was nearly in tears until he asked me where I was, and when I told him (and threw in that I was getting a little scared, because it was a town with a disturbing crime rate), he said, "okay, don't be scared. You're right around the corner from me."

I could have cried right then and there, because of how safe I suddenly felt. He couldn't see me, nor could I see him, but knowing he was only 2 minutes away calmed me down like you wouldn't believe. I felt like a little kid again...you know that feeling when your dad's the one driving and you feel invincible? You know there are millions of car accidents a day, but when dad's driving, you're in a car with an invincible shield on it.

It's exactly what I wanted (and got) for my little girl....a dad who is always right around the corner.